a little delayed

Carl doesn't live here anymore

fantastic first day

Today was soooo good. I don't know why I was so nervous. I thought about it this morning while I was at the gym. I am sooo qualified for this position. I'm going to be awesome, I just need to get past my initial quiet side. I really like everyone at the club. It seems way chill, and everyone's really easy to get along with. I have some big tasks ahead of me but I'm way excited about them.

AND the Executive Director found out that I have a PR background so he's taking me along to a Marketing meeting on Thursday. The PR practitioner from Intermountain Medical Care is apparently on our board of directors so we're meeting with him. I got put to work on writing a press release today. Soooo excited for these opportunities. :D God knew what he was doing, I shouldn't have doubted him.

AmeriCorps VISTA

Well, I'm officially an AmeriCorps VISTA. My one year contracted started yesterday 8/20/10. I will be serving the Boys and Girls Club of Utah County as their volunteer coordinator. My emotions have been up and down. I spent last week in Portland, OR for Pre-Service Orientation (PSO). Random note, Portland is such a beautiful city; I got to go on two lovely runs there. It felt good. Back to the story, I spent Wednesday afternoon on the phone with my mom. I was in tears because of confusion and fear. She reminded me to pray about it some more and then put in her two cents that at this point, it's pointless to not go through with my commitment. It's just a year. I can do it. So, I went out for one of my prayerful runs. I went to bed still feeling unsure but I awoke the next morning feeling completely at peace with the decision. Friday morning, I came home from training in Provo excited (like I was initially). Then I tried to figure out my financial life for the next few months. It's my biggest fear right now. I made some dumb financial decisions/mistakes this summer and am still paying for them. So, I started putting whatever textbooks that I don't absolutely need and are actually worth more than $10 on half.com. I found a Stats one that most people were selling for $90+. I posted it for $87.99 and said a prayer that it would sell soon. Today, I received that wonderful "You've made a sale" notification in my inbox. :) It made me happy. $88 I wasn't expecting to have. It's just amazing how God keeps addressing my concerns and answering my prayers. As much as I'm a rollercoaster about the next year of my life (most of it has to do with my location), I know that I'm in the right place. God is working wonderful things in my life. For example, after more financial concerns today, I randomly got this prompting to check out the loan options from PSECU. I realized that I can take out a low interest personal loan from my Credit Union that I can use to pay off the two credit cards that I was dumb with...so that I can cancel them. That way, instead of paying interest on two separate cards (the one has been interest free for the past year but will no longer be so after next month), I'll just be paying a lower interest on the loan from the credit union.

lecrae identity lyrics

This is one of my new favorite songs of the moment. It's called "Identity." Lecrae performed at Purple Door tonight and he did a really good job at addressing the topic I've been focusing on lately: our identity through God and Jesus Christ. Our significance is not found in our looks and appearance. It's found on the inside. Find this one on iTunes, if you like or can at least tolerate rap/hip hop.


(JR)
Hair, check
Shoes, check
A brand new fit looking cool, check
I'm looking in the mirror like "ooooh yes!"
The cover for an insecure dude, check
But she won't feel me and they won't like me
If I ain't in them J's or them brand new Nikes
But let's dig deeper inside my pysche
When it's all said and done, even I don't like me
He live in the gym and his hair stay faded
Late model car so they think he made it
He's Christian, he gave his life
But he still ain't satisfied in the Savior Christ
Still finds his identity in looks and cars
If he only knew that he ain't have to look so hard
If he looked in God, though it may seem odd
But he'd be so satisfied he could leave it all

(D.A. T.R.U.T.H.)
How do I gauge success?
Why do I say I'm blessed huh?
Is it the car that I drive or the place that I rest or the way that I dress now?
Is the cause of my pride, the stage and the set or my face in the press now?
Cause the applause it dies
When the praise is less if my face is depressed, then
It's cause my value and worth is in the volume of the work I produce in the booth
It's a prize and a curse if defined by the perks when the truth is through
Man I'm goin' feel like I don't want to live no more
Cause they don't like me like they did in 04
So, I swallow my pride empowered by God, I'm complete in Him
He's got peace - God's priest - I'm in
In His presence weak - He's strength
Meet His kin - We His brethren
Read this list - Me forgiven
He's dismissed guilt and my sin and then I find my worth cause I'm Jesus' friend

(Lecrae)
Got her hair done, toes and nails
Is that Her? Well it's hard to tell
Cause she's caked up in all that much make up
It's like she's try'na make up for what she ain't but
She's a saint but so confused
Cause she's been rejected by all these dudes
That tell her on a scale of 10 she's a two
But that ain't true if she only knew
In Christ she is loved she secure and accepted
She'll never be rejected by God who's elected her
Her beauty is her Godliness
And she ain't gotta to flaunt it
Cause it's obvious
Identity is found in the God we trust
Any other identity will self destruct
Identity is found in the God we trust
Any other identity will self destruct

(Chorus)
I'm not the shoes I wear
I'm not the clothes I buy
I'm am not the house I live in
I'm not the car I drive
I'm not the job I work
You can't define my worth
By nothing on God's green earth, my identity is found in Christ

more invested than planned

Apparently, I had more invested than I thought I would/did. I did not think this would hurt this much. Weird....

The Other Guys makes me want to call bullshit on chick flicks instead of action movies

If you've seen the Other Guys or its trailer, you probably remember this scene: Wahlberg (Terry) and Ferrell (Allen) are walking towards a building when it suddenly explodes, sending them flying backwards and onto the floor writhing in pain. "How do people always walk away from that in movies?! I call BULLSHIT on that!" screams Ferrell.

Well, I want to call bullshit on chick flicks. For as much as we complain about the damages of pornography, people need to start bringing up the damages of chick flicks. Pornography creates unrealistic expectations and misconstrued views toward sexuality while chick flicks create unrealistic and exaggerated expectations for relationships in general. That scene at the end of The Proposal where Ryan Reynolds races to the airport to catch Sandra Bullock before she leaves on the plane...yeah, that doesn't happen in real life. Nor do Freddie Prinze Jrs (Zack) become suddenly attracted to the seemingly ugly Rachel Leigh Cooks (Laney - might I add that the girl is beautiful to begin with but it's the concept here) because he asked her out to win a stupid bet. Let alone would he show up at her house after severely hurting her.

As my friend Lindsey put it today, guys don't chase girls. They're too prideful. They won't admit when they were wrong or stupid (let alone doing so in public). They won't show up at the airport in attempts to stop you from going to some far off distant land or to profess their love before you have to leave.

I admit to being a victim to chick-flick expectation in the past. I had many unrealistic expectations for my relationship with Brian. It was damaging, very damaging. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying we need to stop watching them altogether but I do think we need to be more aware of what we are watching. Our lives are not chick flicks. I am not Meg Ryan writing to a Tom Hanks. Christopher Egan will not show up at a wedding and climb up to the balcony to win me back.

Ladies, let's make it easier on the guys (and on our own emotions in the end) and not expect our relationships to be like those on the big scenes. I think we would all be a lot happier if we personalized our expectations based on our own experiences rather than those in the movies.

don

I really wish I had more in common with Donaciano. Now that he's back to being the Donaciano that he was when I first met him, I enjoy talking to him. (He went through this 'I hate the world' phase and it was really scary). He's such an incredible guy. He sees people for their hearts, would give up anything in order to help anyone. He's the Good Samaritan in my life. It's a shame I passed him up. But the connection was never really there.

contradictory statements

In one sentence, "I don't like to focus on looks too much."

Several sentences later: "You're not the type of girl I'm usually attracted too. (5'8'' brunette with blue eyes)"

Does anyone else see any contradictions here??

The ere of worldly standards. I understand that we all have different perspectives on what is attractive and that attraction is an essential part to any potential relationship but how often do we let our fleshly standards of beauty interfere with God's standards? How can we expect God to work wonders in our lives and introduce the right person at the right time if we're still bound by worldly expectations? I'm guilty of this, I know I am. How can we overcome our own pride and selfish desires when it comes to "attraction?"

I'm not that type of girl, I get it. God made me short and stout with flaming red hair. I have thunder thighs, beastly calves, and monstrous, hairy arms. I don't have a symmetrical face. One eye is bigger than the other. I'm well aware of these "worldly beauty flaws." But it's a shame that my inner awesomeness, what really matters, often goes overlooked because I'm not the tall, slender girl next door. I am a daughter of God. I am His creation. He loves me just the way I am. I treat my body as a temple (1 Cor 6:19-20) out of respect of his creation. I'm not overweight because I'm lazy. I eat well. I ran a marathon. I can outrun and outlift most of the girls, and some of the guys. People can't tell that at first glance. They don't realize how incredible I am. But whatever, I'm getting pretty used to being just the "really great girl with a big heart."

I guess I'm just disappointed in the fact that even the good, Christian guys are bound by these worldly desires. At least other guys will admit to wanting a girl who is "hott" instead of being ignorant of their own selfish interests.

Anyway, this whole topic came up while I was just trying to see if we were reading the same book but maybe we're not even in the same section of the library...or the same library at all. I guess I need to put this book back on the shelf and search for another. Unless someone thinks the ending might be different and is something worth suffering through the choppy middle for. (ewww, I just ended the sentence with a preposition but I don't know how to fix it). Regardless, I know that I am an awesome person. I know that I have done some stupid things and will probably do a few more stupid things in my lifetime. I know what my own struggles are. I know that I've had self-esteem issues in the past but it feels good to know that most of those are gone. I know that I am an incredible person. I have been blessed with a really big heart that you don't see in a lot of people these days. It might not always shine through. Sometimes it's clouded by my shyness but trust me, it's there. And if this heart of mine is missed out on because someone is stuck in their worldly desirous ways, it's their loss. "They say you never know what you've got till it's gone."


"Bring my sons from afar and my daughters from the ends of the earth--everyone who is called by my name, whom I created for my glory, whom I formed and made" Isaiah 43:6-7

Mirror by Barlow Girl

just thought these were appropriate lyrics for today.

"Mirror" by Barlow Girl

Mirror, Mirror on the wall, Have I got it?
'Cause Mirror you've always told me who I am
I'm finding it's not easy to be perfect
So sorry you won't define me
Sorry you don't own me

Who are you to tell me
That I'm less than what I should be?
Who are you? Who are you?
I don't need to listen
To the list of things I should do
I won't try, I won't try

Mirror I am seeing a new reflection
I'm looking into the eyes
of He who made me
And to Him I have beauty beyond compare
I know He defines me (Yeah)

Who are you tell me
that I'm less than what I should be
Who are you?
Who are you? (Yeah)
I don't need to listen
To the list of things I should do
I won't try, no, I won't try

You don't define me

Who are you to tell me
That I'm less than what I should be
Who are you?
Who are you?
Yeah!
I don't need to listen
To the list of things I should do
I won't try, no, I won't try
Yeah

Who are you to tell me
That I'm less than what I should be
Who are you?
Who are you?
Yeah
I don't need to listen
To the list of things I should do
I won't try, no, I won't try