It's been awhile since I've blogged. Things have been quite excellent. I was promote to full-time status at my job. I started back at the Bon-ton on Black Friday and chose to stay. Overall, I enjoy working there as a second job. It's much better than last year now that I only have my availability has Mondays, Thursdays, and Saturdays instead of Thursday - Sundays. That four days in a row and never having a planned day off was killing me. I confess that I have been spending a majority of my second paycheck at their store. If anyone has any suggestions on how to survive retail jobs without making impulse purchases, I'd be glad to hear them.
Things with Victor have gotten pretty serious. I'm head over heels and as much as the family hates it, it would take a serious violation of my trust to cause me to back down now. He is sincerely one of the sweetest, most caring and perceptive guys I have ever met. I know the circumstances are rough but he's worth waiting a few more years for. I just wish others could see him for what I see him. Someday, they will. One day, they will realize just how perfect he is for me. I get to visit him at least twice, sometimes three - four times, a month. I always leave with a big smile on my face. He just makes me feel so happy.
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Coincidental Fortune Cookie
I went to visit Victor again on Thursday. I had a bigger chunk of time set aside that day. I was only going to stay for two hours so that I could go home and get some work done. However, we got to talking and next thing I knew, the officers were kicking me out for the expiration of the allotted four hours. I admit that it's hard for me to be letting someone in again and it's been a slow process. I can tell that he sometimes feels frustrated by my standoff behaviors, yet he remains patient and encouraging.
We talked about a lot that day, from the possibility of a future, major disagreements in our lives (that we recognize need resolving before any kind of future can happen), to the topic of my post a few weeks ago about someone telling me that he would need divine intervention to change, to which he responded, "What does she know about the divine intervention that has already happened?" We also talked about my "stalker" and the situation that led up to it. How I prayed that if I weren't supposed to wait for Victor, to put somebody else in my life and to make it pretty obvious because I'm pretty oblivious when guys are interested in me. What he thought of the situation? Am I showing my commitment to seeing this through, am I ignoring promptings from God? I'm just grateful that I'm able to talk to him about these kind of things openly and honestly despite the effect that they can on his future as well.
Anyway, after I left, I caved and went to Panda Express (my favorite place to turn an order into two or three meals over the next week). I opened my fortune cookie later that night: You bring out the best in others. What kind of coincidence is that?
We talked about a lot that day, from the possibility of a future, major disagreements in our lives (that we recognize need resolving before any kind of future can happen), to the topic of my post a few weeks ago about someone telling me that he would need divine intervention to change, to which he responded, "What does she know about the divine intervention that has already happened?" We also talked about my "stalker" and the situation that led up to it. How I prayed that if I weren't supposed to wait for Victor, to put somebody else in my life and to make it pretty obvious because I'm pretty oblivious when guys are interested in me. What he thought of the situation? Am I showing my commitment to seeing this through, am I ignoring promptings from God? I'm just grateful that I'm able to talk to him about these kind of things openly and honestly despite the effect that they can on his future as well.
Anyway, after I left, I caved and went to Panda Express (my favorite place to turn an order into two or three meals over the next week). I opened my fortune cookie later that night: You bring out the best in others. What kind of coincidence is that?
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
All I Want for Christmas is You
What a beautiful Christmas holiday. The snow started to fall Christmas Eve and stayed long enough to allow us to wake up to our first White Christmas in several years. This year, there were presents piled under the tree. And despite getting everything I wanted (Purple Converses, a new bag, hot curlers, a foot pod for my Garmin Forerunner, and some new clothes), my best Christmas gift was not a present under the tree; it was a big bear hug from my best friend.
On Friday, after a long two weeks of waiting for a visitation list to be approved, I got to visit Victor at SCI Camp Hill. For the first time, we were no longer divided by a piece of glass at DCP. We were not struggling to carry out a conversation over a crappy phone while plugging our other ear to drown out the echoes of everyone else's voices as they bounced off the institutionally-painted cream-colored brick walls. For the first time in 30 months, we hugged. For the first time in 30 months, we were able to sit side-by-side, he played with my hair, we laughed at the goofy things we each said, and for the last five minutes of the visit, he took my hand, and we just sat quietly. It was known that we were both thinking about the same thing: the long journey we have ahead of us.
On Friday, after a long two weeks of waiting for a visitation list to be approved, I got to visit Victor at SCI Camp Hill. For the first time, we were no longer divided by a piece of glass at DCP. We were not struggling to carry out a conversation over a crappy phone while plugging our other ear to drown out the echoes of everyone else's voices as they bounced off the institutionally-painted cream-colored brick walls. For the first time in 30 months, we hugged. For the first time in 30 months, we were able to sit side-by-side, he played with my hair, we laughed at the goofy things we each said, and for the last five minutes of the visit, he took my hand, and we just sat quietly. It was known that we were both thinking about the same thing: the long journey we have ahead of us.
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Seeing the Good in Others
Growing up, whenever I complained about someone or something, my mother would always mention something positive about the situation or give the person the benefit of the doubt. At the time, it was annoying and frustrating. As years have gone by, I've realized that through that process, she instilled in me the rare character trait of always seeing the good in people. As I reflect, I realize how this trait has helped me to keep my sanity and get along with nearly everyone.
Over the past two years, I've been more sincerely utilizing this trait in my personal life. If you haven't read past posts or don't remember, I've known this boy since middle school. His grandma attends the church I grew up in so he would often come with her. He attended several youth group activities. However, he strayed from the productive citizen route and landed himself in jail at an early age. I would always ask his grandma about him. When he got out and moved to Newport, she gave me his new number but I never called him (I didn't overcome my phone phobia until college). From the timeline, I understand, he ended up back in jail for a few months and then got out and moved in with friends/girlfriend in Marysville. I can remember that night my freshmen year of college. Brian had picked me up after he got off of work (at midnight) from college so that we could spend Saturday together and then go to church before taking me back on Sunday. While I don't remember the details, we got into an argument (probably over the other girls he had been seeing while dating me). I left the apartment but had nowhere to go so I walked across the street to the Hess gas station. I walked in when the guy getting coffee turned around, then said my name. I was in near tears and there was Victor, an old friend ready to sit and talk to me. I often wondered what would have happened with our lives if Brian had walked into the store after only 5 minutes. Would we have exchanged numbers, again? Would we have become better friends and spend time together? Would having new friends keep him from continuously going back to the same people that over and over again got him into trouble? Hindsight isn't any use right now but I can now remember how he treated me that night. How he looked at me and recognized the sadness in my eyes. Now, I can think about the next time I saw him (6 years later), he still remembered that night and how sad I looked.
Victor found me on Facebook during my second year at BYU. When I agreed to get together with him while I was home for Christmas break, I had no intentions of falling for him. I was merely meeting an old friend and providing a positive influence. However, something clicked. He pushed me away, for the reason, that he would later tell me, that he thought I deserved more. Nearly a year later, he called me out of the blue and told me something along the lines that he was afraid that if he didn't tell me how much he cared about me, he'd lose me to someone else. This time, it was my turn to reject him. I had just spent the summer spending hours on the phone with a different guy. I even flew home for a week to surprise my mom on her birthday, as an excuse to see him again. In the end, this guy told me that I wasn't a 5'8'' brunette with blue eyes and not what he's attracted to. Ouch, right? Victor's timing was just off. Had it been a month later, after having time to recover, maybe I would not have rejected him. Maybe, out of fear that I was never going to accept him, he wouldn't have gone back to an ex-girlfriend for companionship. Then, neither of us would be in this situation.
Anyway, back to my main point. After the event that landed him back in jail, I debated whether or not to write to him. According to the newspaper, his crime accusations were the very ones that I had devoted several years of my life to fighting. After a few nights of prayer, I felt that I was to write to him, that it was my chance to be a positive influence in his life. Since then, through letters and visits, I've watched him bloom. That one letter gave him the sense of hope that he needed to start believing in a better future.
As you can imagine, there's been great opposition to the relationship that has developed between us. My mother is probably regretting the seeing the good in people trait that she instilled in me. Many people have been telling me to be careful, that he'll just hurt me in the end, not to trust him, how terrible he is, etc. What surprises me is that the majority of these individuals telling me these things are those who are very involved in their churches. I understand that they care about me and want to look out for me. I know that I do need to be careful and use my head but I also have to question the point of believing in a faith that emphasizes being saved and forgiven from your sins if you don't give others the chance to do so. Telling me that "It will take a divine intervention for him to change"he will never change, in a way, questions the miraculous powers of our God. We all sin, we all have our own faults. We expect forgiveness when we make mistakes, why do we struggle with forgiving others and giving them the necessary tools to move on with their lives?
I found this quotation by Bob Moawad tonight: "You can work miracles by having faith in others, By choosing to think and believe the best about people, you are able to bring out the best in them." I love this quotation. Maybe I'm part of that divine intervention. Maybe my belief in Victor's potential has been enough to encourage him to change for good. I won't know until I give him a chance. Having him become the person that I think he can be is worth the risk of getting hurt.
Over the past two years, I've been more sincerely utilizing this trait in my personal life. If you haven't read past posts or don't remember, I've known this boy since middle school. His grandma attends the church I grew up in so he would often come with her. He attended several youth group activities. However, he strayed from the productive citizen route and landed himself in jail at an early age. I would always ask his grandma about him. When he got out and moved to Newport, she gave me his new number but I never called him (I didn't overcome my phone phobia until college). From the timeline, I understand, he ended up back in jail for a few months and then got out and moved in with friends/girlfriend in Marysville. I can remember that night my freshmen year of college. Brian had picked me up after he got off of work (at midnight) from college so that we could spend Saturday together and then go to church before taking me back on Sunday. While I don't remember the details, we got into an argument (probably over the other girls he had been seeing while dating me). I left the apartment but had nowhere to go so I walked across the street to the Hess gas station. I walked in when the guy getting coffee turned around, then said my name. I was in near tears and there was Victor, an old friend ready to sit and talk to me. I often wondered what would have happened with our lives if Brian had walked into the store after only 5 minutes. Would we have exchanged numbers, again? Would we have become better friends and spend time together? Would having new friends keep him from continuously going back to the same people that over and over again got him into trouble? Hindsight isn't any use right now but I can now remember how he treated me that night. How he looked at me and recognized the sadness in my eyes. Now, I can think about the next time I saw him (6 years later), he still remembered that night and how sad I looked.
Victor found me on Facebook during my second year at BYU. When I agreed to get together with him while I was home for Christmas break, I had no intentions of falling for him. I was merely meeting an old friend and providing a positive influence. However, something clicked. He pushed me away, for the reason, that he would later tell me, that he thought I deserved more. Nearly a year later, he called me out of the blue and told me something along the lines that he was afraid that if he didn't tell me how much he cared about me, he'd lose me to someone else. This time, it was my turn to reject him. I had just spent the summer spending hours on the phone with a different guy. I even flew home for a week to surprise my mom on her birthday, as an excuse to see him again. In the end, this guy told me that I wasn't a 5'8'' brunette with blue eyes and not what he's attracted to. Ouch, right? Victor's timing was just off. Had it been a month later, after having time to recover, maybe I would not have rejected him. Maybe, out of fear that I was never going to accept him, he wouldn't have gone back to an ex-girlfriend for companionship. Then, neither of us would be in this situation.
Anyway, back to my main point. After the event that landed him back in jail, I debated whether or not to write to him. According to the newspaper, his crime accusations were the very ones that I had devoted several years of my life to fighting. After a few nights of prayer, I felt that I was to write to him, that it was my chance to be a positive influence in his life. Since then, through letters and visits, I've watched him bloom. That one letter gave him the sense of hope that he needed to start believing in a better future.
As you can imagine, there's been great opposition to the relationship that has developed between us. My mother is probably regretting the seeing the good in people trait that she instilled in me. Many people have been telling me to be careful, that he'll just hurt me in the end, not to trust him, how terrible he is, etc. What surprises me is that the majority of these individuals telling me these things are those who are very involved in their churches. I understand that they care about me and want to look out for me. I know that I do need to be careful and use my head but I also have to question the point of believing in a faith that emphasizes being saved and forgiven from your sins if you don't give others the chance to do so. Telling me that "It will take a divine intervention for him to change"he will never change, in a way, questions the miraculous powers of our God. We all sin, we all have our own faults. We expect forgiveness when we make mistakes, why do we struggle with forgiving others and giving them the necessary tools to move on with their lives?
I found this quotation by Bob Moawad tonight: "You can work miracles by having faith in others, By choosing to think and believe the best about people, you are able to bring out the best in them." I love this quotation. Maybe I'm part of that divine intervention. Maybe my belief in Victor's potential has been enough to encourage him to change for good. I won't know until I give him a chance. Having him become the person that I think he can be is worth the risk of getting hurt.
Monday, November 26, 2012
Eating as a Form of Procrastination
I admit it, I'm an emotional eater. I always have been. I had it under control but after moving back home, the habit sneaked back into my life. Over the past few days, I've realized that I largely eat to procrastinate. I've caught myself thinking, "My eyes hurt from staring that computer screen. Take a walk to the fridge for a break. The paper will be here when you get back." I fought so hard to have exercise be my form of procrastination. I'm not sure how or why it's suddenly eating. I do know, however, that very soon, school will be done and I will not feel as much of a need to procrastinate. I'm looking forward to getting my nutrition and cardio back on track.
Monday, August 20, 2012
1990s boybands bliss
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| Spice Girls World Tour t-shirt from 1998 |
I had one of the most epic weeks of my life. It started with driving cross-country. It included driving through the craziest storm of my life. Then, I went to the beach with my family (literally allowing me to drive coast-to-coast in less than two weeks) for a day. After the Spice Girls performed at the Olympics Closing Ceremonies, I decided to flashback to 1998 by wearing this little number on the left
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| New Kids on the Block tour tee from the 1980s |
I got up early Friday morning and drove back to PA to get ready for the MixTape Music Festival in Hershey. It was amaaaazing. Friday night was good. It rained, a lot. But we sat it out to have good seats for Kelly Clarkson (who Lindsey has been wanting to see in concert for a loooong time). I wore a New Kids on the Block tour t-shirt that I had held onto. I'm pretty sure my cousin had given it to me ages ago. At that time, I wish I had kept the other one I used to have. Pretty sure I used it as a PJ shirt when I was little. Aaron Carter opened on Friday. I was all excited to see him again but then he only sang three songs. There were some other bands before The Fray, New Kids on the Block, and Kelly Clarkson. Like I said, it was good but Saturday is what I had been waiting for.
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| Brian! |
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| Holding my new (and signed) BSB tee while wearing one of my old ones |
NKOTBSB was just as good as in Vegas. New Kids pulled The Wanted up to sing their hit song "I'm Glad You Came." Then later, while New Kids and BSB were talking on stage, they pulled out 98 degrees to give them another thanks. I thought my heart was going to stop. As a teenage girl, my dream was always to have BSB, 98 degrees, and 'NSYNC on one stage. This was close enough. So many memories.
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| First BSB concert in 1998 |
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Treasuring the friends who understand what I need
Someday, I'll expound on my thoughts but for now, I just want to say how much I treasure those friends who have exhibited patience and taken a large amount of time to understand more about me. Lately, I've been feeling stressed by my environment...the push to always be with people and doing something. I'm grateful for the friends who understand that after a long day, going out with a large group or to a loud place is added stress on me. I either need alone time or a small group situation to recharge. I need my gym time. I need to take care of me.
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