beyond being the victim

I started a blog last night and labeled it as a sleepless night. I had trouble sleeping. Then, I nodded off in the middle of writing it. So, I'm scratching whatever I wrote last night. Maybe I'll sum it some day but for now, I have something else on my mind.

Packing and moving is stressful enough, especially when it's to the other side of the country in your tiny Oldsmobile Achieva with no foresight of coming home before Christmas. One has to take summer clothes, fall clothes and winter clothes. The clothes packing is as far as I have gotten. Man, it's very odd to see my wall-length closet practically naked. Beyond the stress of packing in the first place, when things are clouding your mind, doing what needs to be done becomes even harder. I found myself sitting down and spacing out a lot this morning. So, I decided to sit down and type in hopes that I'll be able to focus after getting it out in writing.

I'm trying to build my testimony of God and my salvation through Jesus Christ. It's been challenged a lot in the past couple of years. Since December, it's been practically nonexistent. Just to make things straight, the nonexistent testimony has nothing do with my church membership. I can picture some people easily placing fault there. In fact, I think that if it weren't for my current church membership and the support I had there , I probably would have stopped church all together. Life threw some troubling situations my way; situations that I wasn't ready to handle because I wasn't willing to turn everything over to God. I was too busy trying to run the show on my own. I've been proven several times that it just doesn't work that way.

Tuesday, for some crazy reason, I drove to Lancaster for a young adult service that Tim attends (thanks for inviting me for the past several months Tim). I had told him I would go, but never made it. So, being my last Tuesday in town, I had to keep my word. I knew he would have understood if I never made it; he probably highly doubted that I would actually show up. However, the night before, I strongly felt the need to be there. I'll be honest (my goal for this blog) and tell you that I've had trouble focusing during many church functions lately. Proof can be seen in my notebooks or on the church bulletins. However, one major thing did stick out to me. The Pastor who was speaking relayed to us how his cancer had come back. His reaction was not "Why me?" rather it was "What now, God?" He knew how to move beyond being the victim. Something I need to work on.

A couple weeks ago, my ex-boyfriend/fiance called me. (He is now married, living in Idaho and will be a dad in October). We had stayed in contact (I'm not sure why) through occasional e-mails and text messages but to hear his voice on the phone was a completely different feeling. It stirred up so many emotions. At first I felt angry and bitter as I remembered the bad stuff he did to me, then I thought about the good (although manipulative) things he said to me and began to miss him. I hate the power that he still holds over me. Why and how do I still feel love for a man who belittled and sexually abused me? Is there something wrong with me? Maybe that's the start of not feeling like a victim anymore?

Moreover, I hate the effect that past has had on my present and my future. The fear that keeps me from allowing myself to become too close with anyone. I hate the thoughts that make me feel like a victim.

Not being the victim is hard. Many counseling sessions allow you and in many ways encourage you to be the victim by bringing upon anger and bitterness. I don't want to feel that. I want to feel peace and forgiveness. I thought I had reached that point last summer. However, after being involved in a situation that left a couple of my friends kidnapped and violated, I realized that I hadn't reached that point. It was just put on the back burner as I focused on other things in my life. The past 8 months has been a double-duty project when it comes to healing. I shut myself away for awhile after returning to the states, not knowing how to respond to people. At the time, little complaints such as too much homework, an annoying or loud roommate, stupid boys not noticing you etc, frustrated me. At that time, none of that mattered to me. Being the victim then affected my ability to be a friend.

I'm starting to feel as though I'm giving the impression that I'm justifying myself but I'm not trying to. I just want to be honest. Unfortunately, I haven't shared my experiences with many people and that creates a huge obstacle in any friendship I could have. These two experiences have (unfortunately) shaped me into who I am. They explain my mannerism and nuances, my fear of being alone at night, the reason I hate it when people don't make sure I get into my car or house before driving off, and most of all they shadow my fear of men. While I strive to let God control my life and to ask "What now" instead of "Why me or why my friends?" I still have a long way to go in order to not be the victim.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." ~Matthew 11:28-30~

With that being (badly) written and out of my head, I have boxes to pack and a car to clean.