times of trial

I've had some trying months lately. The whole Donaciano situation did me in. In summary, he became stalkerish and then started using suicidal antics to manipulate me into responding, which I did at first. I finally couldn't take it anymore and gave all of his information to my bishop. He needed intervention, but it couldn't be me. I kinda miss the guy, but I don't miss the stress that he caused in my life.

Allie Speck has been on my mind a lot lately. I continue to pray that I am able to raise the money needed to run in the San Diego Marathon with Team in Training. I can guarantee you that her name will be written on my jersey, along with Julia Swartz, and a few others'. I currently have about $1,600, only another $1,300 to go....It's a lot when you really think about it.

The whole Ramel'o situation has also been on my mind. I regret those few months. I know people warned me and it was my own stupid decision to ignore them. I admit, I just wanted attention. But his horrible words have been haunting me lately. Specifically his "The only thing you have going for you is your fat ass. Otherwise, you're ugly as shit" comment. I know that he was just an ass and that I need to forget what he said, but it still haunts me. I still find it that my attitudes and behaviors are daunted because of his words, especially when it comes to interacting with guys. I know that most guys in Provo aren't like him, but I still have that fear. But I also know that the only way to move beyond those comments is to keep dating. I don't want those horrible comments to affect my self-confidence anymore. Nor do I want that continued feeling regret. I know that I need to let the atonement works its role, for the both of us.

I've also had a lot of faith questions and doubts, which have probably added to my bad attitude toward Provo. It's really hard to go to BYU when you're questioning what you believe. The "we all know this scripture," the "we all think this," and the "we're righteous for doing this" mentality has been getting to me. I just want some true Mormon friends in my life. In fact, I'd go as far as saying I NEED some true Mormon friends in my life in order to make this work.

My mom told me the other day that no matter where I am, I want to be somewhere else, and then reminded me that I take myself wherever I go. It's not that I don't like myself, because I do. Personally, I think that I'm a rather accomplished, well-rounded individual with a big heart. There are just things I need to change, like my ability to make friends quickly instead of taking the entire two years that I spend in one place before developing close friends. This has made me think a lot about my eagerness to move back home. Things are going to be different than when I left. And it really isn't going to be that great. It wasn't last summer.

Just some things for me to think about. Now, off to do some scripture reading and praying. I made some big promises for the next couple of weeks.