A lot to take in

It's been a big few weeks for me. I apologize if this post is slightly jumbled but it's a representation of my mind lately.


First, there's the job. We're on week three of the ten week summer program. I'm burned out. I can officially say that I am ready to hand the role of volunteer coordinator over to someone in two months time. Two months...that's the guaranteed time that I have left in Utah. Crazy. We're supposed to find out on Friday if the Boys & Girls Clubs of Utah County will be a recipient of AmeriCorps funding. Once that is revealed...then I should know whether or not Dave has decided to keep me around by making me Director of Operations. Second in command, intimidating. In the meantime, I've been applying to everything I can find that's non-profit PR related back home. If I don't get the position at the Club, I certainly won't be sticking around Utah any longer. It's hard being in limbo. I've missed out on several decent jobs because they wanted someone to start within a few weeks of the closing date.


The second item has still been the boy. It's been several weeks since I've written to him. One, I haven't had the energy to write and answer all of his questions and feed him emotions like he wants. And two, God and I have been duking this out. Shortly after I got back from being home for Easter, I made a plea with him to guide me and that if I weren't supposed to commit to him at this time/wait for him to get released that someone (a guy, obviously) would invite me out. Then, I got sick; I get really needy when I'm sick. I found myself thinking that it was ridiculous to be dating someone who is sitting in prison. He can't even be here to take care of me when I need him. Then, someone invited me to dinner. While it was a casual get-together, it still counted towards my little deal with God. Plus, that time I spent with the guy reminded me of how nice it was to have one-on-one time with a guy that I care about, and that I really don't know if I can spend the next several years of my life on just the exchange of letters. I came home that Saturday convinced that I was going to write to him to tell him that I can't do this anymore. That I want to keep writing. That I want to be his friend and support him, but I can't consider myself his girlfriend right now. For some reason, I haven't been able to do it.


Yesterday, during my afternoon run I stopped halfway through to swing in the park. I had been noticing all of the couples walking down the sidewalk hand-in-hand and it made me long to have that special someone again. Then, as I was swinging, still listening to my iPod, this classic Backstreet Boys hit came on:


"Although loneliness has always been a friend of mine
I'm leavin' my life in your hands
People say I'm crazy and that I am blind
Riskin' it all in a glance
And how you've got me blind is still a mystery
I can't get you out of my head
I don't care what is written in your history
As long as you're here with me

I don't care who you are
Where you're from
What you did
As long as you love me"



I kid you not, I cried on the park swings. Is my longing to have someone who can be physically present (despite my current lack in that area) selfish? Should I view Victor in way similar to these BSB lyrics? Ugh, Victor was right...if we don't end up together, selfishness will be what keeps us apart. I'm just confused about what I'm supposed to do.