Mid-January and I'm finally at a point where I can reflect on 2015. The year 2015 was filled with life-changing events that took me on an emotional roller coaster ride. I started the year with excitement and preparation to begin a family, only to find out a week later that there was no heartbeat. It led to month of grief, the discovery of who my true friends were and who my fun and do-stuff-together friends were. It followed with the loss of my job position due to the school not renewing the contract with it's agency.
I began to work with a really tough case, a seven year-old who was neglected by his mother and not provided the emotional support that he needed. A boy that threw punches, got in my face to argue with me, and tried to choke his principal by his tie. It was such a stressful few months in my life. The work environment added to my personal emotions caused me stress and affected my relationship to the point where I was affecting Eric's attitude.
December brought on emotions as I watched everyone celebrate "Baby's 1st Christmas," and fought back feelings of anger of losing my baby. I'm still paying the bill for the surgery that finalized the loss of my baby. To add to it, I was informed that my future pregnancies, if I'm able to conceive again, will be considered high-risk due to a bicornuate uterus (a condition that only .5% of American women have. The possibility of more miscarriages is high. According to chekpregnancy.com, "statistics show that 63% of pregnancies where a woman has a bicornuate uterus will result in spontaneous abortion. Those that do not have a spontaneous abortion have a 15% - 25% chance of having a preterm pregnancy."
I ended December by picking up and moving to Maryland with Eric. We have an adorable little place in Timonium. I love the location and the atmosphere. I've started a new job at my agency's Red Lion site - an Autism Program and like it thus far.
As I work to get past January 19, remembering my Angel Baby, I'm excited as to what 2016 will bring me.
Friday, January 15, 2016
Sunday, May 3, 2015
Thinking about Mother's Day
A lot has happened since the last time I wrote in this blog. I could tell you all about my awesome (but underpaid) job, how much fun I had during my random evening adventures in DC, I could write about my frustration and confusion with the events that happened in Baltimore this past week, or I could beam about my wonderful and handsome boyfriend - who I met during my last week on ChristianMingle.com- but I'm sure you've already read all of that on Facebook. Tonight, as it weighs a heavy and rather private, until now, thought on my mind, I want to write about Mother's Day.
Mother's Day, a modern American holiday first celebrated in 1908 when Anna Jarvis held a memorial for her mother who had passed in 1905. It's day to thank our moms for all that they have done for us and the sacrifices they have made to put their families first. When we're small, we make her handmade cards and drawings and, sometimes, our dad's help us purchase something nice for her. As we get older, we begin to treat her to dinner, send store-bought cards, flowers, or pick out fancy gifts from the store. Sometimes, we do this in lieu of spending time with our dear mothers. However, as we get older, we realize that quality time is, and always has been, more important than fancy gifts. We realize that mom won't always be around. She'll share stories about your time together, not the items you bought her.
For many, Mother's Day, just like many other holidays, is a difficult day. Some have never had someone they could call "Mom." Others have lost their moms to illness, accidents, crime, or old age. Some women lost the children who made them mothers, some long to be a mom but have not been able to, and others have lost their children before they ever even get the chance to hold them. It wasn't until today that I realized that I still have a lot of bottled up emotion. You see friends, I fall into this latter category. Mother's Day this year would have marked the start of my third trimester. I would have known my baby's gender by now and she or he would be opening his or her eyes this week.
My biggest goal in life has always been to raise a family (cliche, I know). I waited nearly 29 years before finding the man who perfects me. While many religious traditions would tell us that we are doing it backwards and point out the sin of not being married, we were genuinely excited. Scared out of our minds but excited. Then, in January, the heartbreaking news came - no heart beat. I prayed for a "little miracle," but the next week's ultrasound remained the same. My doctor called to inform me that I had had a missed miscarriage. After three weeks of my body not passing the miscarriage on its own, I started to develop an infection and had to have surgery for what was labeled as a life-threatening spontaneous abortion.
I cried at random times for weeks. During the first two weeks after my surgery, there was literally another pregnancy announcement at the top of my Facebook newsfeed every day. At lunch, a new mom talked continuously about how hard it is to be a mom. I frequently had to excuse myself from the room, thinking about how I'd give anything to have to be up all night if it meant meeting my child. At a training, one person talked about serious pregnancy complications which led three or four other people talking about having their premature babies. I choked back tears again. A few weeks later, one of my student's regular educations teacher's was celebrating finding out that her baby was a boy. Her students made her congratulations cards, she wore a t-shirt with "It's a boy" in big, bold letters. I, jerkily, avoided the topic. Tonight, I cry over how much I'm ready to be a mom. I'm ready to have a my own little family. I cry because when I chose to only reach out to a few friends before I processed everything on my own, many of those chosen friends faded into the distance without even checking in on me. I cry because the one friend who I've tried calling half a dozen times to tell her what has been going on, never even picked up the phone to call me back. I cry because I'm exhausted from always being the one to reach out. Yet, I smile because I have faith and know that there is hope. I smile because I have a friend who came to see me after my surgery, and one who sent me a card, without even knowing what was going on. I smile because I do have a handful of friends who have thought of me. I beam because I have a wonderful and supportive boyfriend. He might not always know what to do or say when I cry. He might not understand the emotional toll that the loss had on me but he loves me and is there for me.
Mother's Day, a modern American holiday first celebrated in 1908 when Anna Jarvis held a memorial for her mother who had passed in 1905. It's day to thank our moms for all that they have done for us and the sacrifices they have made to put their families first. When we're small, we make her handmade cards and drawings and, sometimes, our dad's help us purchase something nice for her. As we get older, we begin to treat her to dinner, send store-bought cards, flowers, or pick out fancy gifts from the store. Sometimes, we do this in lieu of spending time with our dear mothers. However, as we get older, we realize that quality time is, and always has been, more important than fancy gifts. We realize that mom won't always be around. She'll share stories about your time together, not the items you bought her.
For many, Mother's Day, just like many other holidays, is a difficult day. Some have never had someone they could call "Mom." Others have lost their moms to illness, accidents, crime, or old age. Some women lost the children who made them mothers, some long to be a mom but have not been able to, and others have lost their children before they ever even get the chance to hold them. It wasn't until today that I realized that I still have a lot of bottled up emotion. You see friends, I fall into this latter category. Mother's Day this year would have marked the start of my third trimester. I would have known my baby's gender by now and she or he would be opening his or her eyes this week.
My biggest goal in life has always been to raise a family (cliche, I know). I waited nearly 29 years before finding the man who perfects me. While many religious traditions would tell us that we are doing it backwards and point out the sin of not being married, we were genuinely excited. Scared out of our minds but excited. Then, in January, the heartbreaking news came - no heart beat. I prayed for a "little miracle," but the next week's ultrasound remained the same. My doctor called to inform me that I had had a missed miscarriage. After three weeks of my body not passing the miscarriage on its own, I started to develop an infection and had to have surgery for what was labeled as a life-threatening spontaneous abortion.
I cried at random times for weeks. During the first two weeks after my surgery, there was literally another pregnancy announcement at the top of my Facebook newsfeed every day. At lunch, a new mom talked continuously about how hard it is to be a mom. I frequently had to excuse myself from the room, thinking about how I'd give anything to have to be up all night if it meant meeting my child. At a training, one person talked about serious pregnancy complications which led three or four other people talking about having their premature babies. I choked back tears again. A few weeks later, one of my student's regular educations teacher's was celebrating finding out that her baby was a boy. Her students made her congratulations cards, she wore a t-shirt with "It's a boy" in big, bold letters. I, jerkily, avoided the topic. Tonight, I cry over how much I'm ready to be a mom. I'm ready to have a my own little family. I cry because when I chose to only reach out to a few friends before I processed everything on my own, many of those chosen friends faded into the distance without even checking in on me. I cry because the one friend who I've tried calling half a dozen times to tell her what has been going on, never even picked up the phone to call me back. I cry because I'm exhausted from always being the one to reach out. Yet, I smile because I have faith and know that there is hope. I smile because I have a friend who came to see me after my surgery, and one who sent me a card, without even knowing what was going on. I smile because I do have a handful of friends who have thought of me. I beam because I have a wonderful and supportive boyfriend. He might not always know what to do or say when I cry. He might not understand the emotional toll that the loss had on me but he loves me and is there for me.
Thursday, November 21, 2013
Can anyone explain?
Quick, someone keep me from losing interest in a really great guy. Why do I always want the attention from the guy who won't give it to me instead of the guy who is practically worshipping the ground that I walk on? I need to fix this quick before I ruin something that has the potential of being really awesome. I mean, the guy offered to attend a funeral with me after only knowing me for three weeks! Rare selfless qualities.
Meanwhile, I'd also like to know why someone who has only written to me about Penn State and the weather in State College thinks we have so much in common and should meet. My heart goes out to these shy guys. I'm shy too so I can relate but I think I've learned to translate my shy nature into quiet confidence. I should have just told him from the very beginning that I don't really care (shhh, don't tell my father or Lindsey) about Penn State football.
Meanwhile, I'd also like to know why someone who has only written to me about Penn State and the weather in State College thinks we have so much in common and should meet. My heart goes out to these shy guys. I'm shy too so I can relate but I think I've learned to translate my shy nature into quiet confidence. I should have just told him from the very beginning that I don't really care (shhh, don't tell my father or Lindsey) about Penn State football.
Friday, November 1, 2013
My latest (nauseating) experience with ChristianMingle.com
Let's rewind to July when I first opened my ChristianMingle account. I started talking to a couple seemingly nice guys. However, this one guy stuck out. 37, works in school administration overseeing special education contracts, loves outdoor activities and very handsome. It seemed like a good match. So, after a few weeks of talking, I gave it a shot. Granted, he had asked if I was willing to move and had made little comments about what life could be like if we ended up together but I brushed them aside assuming that he wanted to make sure that I was seriously looking for someone and not just having fun. I admit that I was talking to a couple guys and wanted to get to know them before getting involved with anyone but in the end, I was looking for something serious. I had my eye on a guy in Bethesda but he just kinda disappeared when the school semester started.
Anyway, the first date with this guy was good. We went to a bar/grille in York (halfway between Harrisburg and Baltimore) and talked about various things. It was a few weeks before I had time to see him again. I confess that I ignored the red flag of him inviting me to stay a weekend at his place (he does live two hours away). We went mini-golfing. Which again, it was good. We had fun. Then we got ice cream and talked for awhile afterwards. At one point, as he was saying that he was glad that he came, I caught him staring down my shirt as he said, "I like what I see" and he was saying something like, "I want to hold you in my arms tonight" and asked me if I like them touched? Yeah, I should have gone running then, I know. He kept discreetly trying to put his hands on the sides of my chest when he had his arm around me. I moved it away a couple times to give him the hint and then finally flat out told him that I didn't appreciate the fact that he was trying to get a feel.
Needless to say, I haven't seen him since. I had started to date Jean in Wilkes-barre (that's another story in itself...but it's largely my fault it didn't work out). Mr. Baltimore kept texting me. Since he didn't get the hint, I finally put the reason in a more polite tone and said something like, "I enjoyed spending time with you. I had fun but you deserve someone who is crazy about you and I don't see myself being that person." I thought it was well said. A month goes by and he starts texting me again. I explained that I did enjoy spending time with him but expressed my thoughts on chastity and especially the fact that he barely knew me when he tried to get a feel. I told him we had different values. Sex was important to him and purity was important to me. Another month goes by and he texts me again. I expressed myself again and explained that I wanted a spiritual leader in my life. He said he could be but later says, "Can I ask you very blunt questions?" I told him to go for it.
He proceeded to ask me, "Why are you so opposed to us being intimate if it happens? When was the last time you had sex?" I simply responded that it's about staying on the straight and narrow. His only response was, "You didn't answer my question." When I ignored him, he said, "Are you guilty of having had lots of careless sex that you are now embarrassed by it?" Honestly, I'm pretty much enraged by the guts of this guy and simply said, "No, I'm not." He proceeded to ask when the last time I had sex was and when I ignored him again, he ended it with, "I really thought you ad I were soul mates and that we would get along really well. But I guess I was wrong. I was ready to one day make you my wife!" I was at work when I read this and just laughed at his contradicting statements for like 10 minutes.
Part of my wants to lay into the guy about how, if I believed in soul mates, my soul mate would treat me with more respect and reverence than how he's treating me. However, I know that it is better for me to just ignore him. My only reply was, "I cannot afford to lose my job to have this conversation right now."
I'm just so frustrated with men right now. You didn't want to marry me, you wanted in my pants. I may be a little naive but I'm not a complete idiot.
Anyway, the first date with this guy was good. We went to a bar/grille in York (halfway between Harrisburg and Baltimore) and talked about various things. It was a few weeks before I had time to see him again. I confess that I ignored the red flag of him inviting me to stay a weekend at his place (he does live two hours away). We went mini-golfing. Which again, it was good. We had fun. Then we got ice cream and talked for awhile afterwards. At one point, as he was saying that he was glad that he came, I caught him staring down my shirt as he said, "I like what I see" and he was saying something like, "I want to hold you in my arms tonight" and asked me if I like them touched? Yeah, I should have gone running then, I know. He kept discreetly trying to put his hands on the sides of my chest when he had his arm around me. I moved it away a couple times to give him the hint and then finally flat out told him that I didn't appreciate the fact that he was trying to get a feel.
Needless to say, I haven't seen him since. I had started to date Jean in Wilkes-barre (that's another story in itself...but it's largely my fault it didn't work out). Mr. Baltimore kept texting me. Since he didn't get the hint, I finally put the reason in a more polite tone and said something like, "I enjoyed spending time with you. I had fun but you deserve someone who is crazy about you and I don't see myself being that person." I thought it was well said. A month goes by and he starts texting me again. I explained that I did enjoy spending time with him but expressed my thoughts on chastity and especially the fact that he barely knew me when he tried to get a feel. I told him we had different values. Sex was important to him and purity was important to me. Another month goes by and he texts me again. I expressed myself again and explained that I wanted a spiritual leader in my life. He said he could be but later says, "Can I ask you very blunt questions?" I told him to go for it.
He proceeded to ask me, "Why are you so opposed to us being intimate if it happens? When was the last time you had sex?" I simply responded that it's about staying on the straight and narrow. His only response was, "You didn't answer my question." When I ignored him, he said, "Are you guilty of having had lots of careless sex that you are now embarrassed by it?" Honestly, I'm pretty much enraged by the guts of this guy and simply said, "No, I'm not." He proceeded to ask when the last time I had sex was and when I ignored him again, he ended it with, "I really thought you ad I were soul mates and that we would get along really well. But I guess I was wrong. I was ready to one day make you my wife!" I was at work when I read this and just laughed at his contradicting statements for like 10 minutes.
Part of my wants to lay into the guy about how, if I believed in soul mates, my soul mate would treat me with more respect and reverence than how he's treating me. However, I know that it is better for me to just ignore him. My only reply was, "I cannot afford to lose my job to have this conversation right now."
I'm just so frustrated with men right now. You didn't want to marry me, you wanted in my pants. I may be a little naive but I'm not a complete idiot.
Sunday, October 13, 2013
Learning to let go
I need to learn how to let go. I'm terrible at it. I was just dating an overall great guy for the past two months. I didn't think we weren't right together so I hesitantly walked away from the relationship. I've been crying over it for the past two weeks. The worst part, my favorite song that had always cheered me up, now makes me cry because he serenaded me with it shortly after meeting.
Needless to say, a lot has changed the last post. I've been tackling a lot of personal items while working to improve the relationship social area of my "wellness triangle." Maybe I'll get better at writing in my blog again.
Needless to say, a lot has changed the last post. I've been tackling a lot of personal items while working to improve the relationship social area of my "wellness triangle." Maybe I'll get better at writing in my blog again.
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Things are good, very good
It's been awhile since I've blogged. Things have been quite excellent. I was promote to full-time status at my job. I started back at the Bon-ton on Black Friday and chose to stay. Overall, I enjoy working there as a second job. It's much better than last year now that I only have my availability has Mondays, Thursdays, and Saturdays instead of Thursday - Sundays. That four days in a row and never having a planned day off was killing me. I confess that I have been spending a majority of my second paycheck at their store. If anyone has any suggestions on how to survive retail jobs without making impulse purchases, I'd be glad to hear them.
Things with Victor have gotten pretty serious. I'm head over heels and as much as the family hates it, it would take a serious violation of my trust to cause me to back down now. He is sincerely one of the sweetest, most caring and perceptive guys I have ever met. I know the circumstances are rough but he's worth waiting a few more years for. I just wish others could see him for what I see him. Someday, they will. One day, they will realize just how perfect he is for me. I get to visit him at least twice, sometimes three - four times, a month. I always leave with a big smile on my face. He just makes me feel so happy.
Things with Victor have gotten pretty serious. I'm head over heels and as much as the family hates it, it would take a serious violation of my trust to cause me to back down now. He is sincerely one of the sweetest, most caring and perceptive guys I have ever met. I know the circumstances are rough but he's worth waiting a few more years for. I just wish others could see him for what I see him. Someday, they will. One day, they will realize just how perfect he is for me. I get to visit him at least twice, sometimes three - four times, a month. I always leave with a big smile on my face. He just makes me feel so happy.
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Coincidental Fortune Cookie
I went to visit Victor again on Thursday. I had a bigger chunk of time set aside that day. I was only going to stay for two hours so that I could go home and get some work done. However, we got to talking and next thing I knew, the officers were kicking me out for the expiration of the allotted four hours. I admit that it's hard for me to be letting someone in again and it's been a slow process. I can tell that he sometimes feels frustrated by my standoff behaviors, yet he remains patient and encouraging.
We talked about a lot that day, from the possibility of a future, major disagreements in our lives (that we recognize need resolving before any kind of future can happen), to the topic of my post a few weeks ago about someone telling me that he would need divine intervention to change, to which he responded, "What does she know about the divine intervention that has already happened?" We also talked about my "stalker" and the situation that led up to it. How I prayed that if I weren't supposed to wait for Victor, to put somebody else in my life and to make it pretty obvious because I'm pretty oblivious when guys are interested in me. What he thought of the situation? Am I showing my commitment to seeing this through, am I ignoring promptings from God? I'm just grateful that I'm able to talk to him about these kind of things openly and honestly despite the effect that they can on his future as well.
Anyway, after I left, I caved and went to Panda Express (my favorite place to turn an order into two or three meals over the next week). I opened my fortune cookie later that night: You bring out the best in others. What kind of coincidence is that?
We talked about a lot that day, from the possibility of a future, major disagreements in our lives (that we recognize need resolving before any kind of future can happen), to the topic of my post a few weeks ago about someone telling me that he would need divine intervention to change, to which he responded, "What does she know about the divine intervention that has already happened?" We also talked about my "stalker" and the situation that led up to it. How I prayed that if I weren't supposed to wait for Victor, to put somebody else in my life and to make it pretty obvious because I'm pretty oblivious when guys are interested in me. What he thought of the situation? Am I showing my commitment to seeing this through, am I ignoring promptings from God? I'm just grateful that I'm able to talk to him about these kind of things openly and honestly despite the effect that they can on his future as well.
Anyway, after I left, I caved and went to Panda Express (my favorite place to turn an order into two or three meals over the next week). I opened my fortune cookie later that night: You bring out the best in others. What kind of coincidence is that?
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
All I Want for Christmas is You
What a beautiful Christmas holiday. The snow started to fall Christmas Eve and stayed long enough to allow us to wake up to our first White Christmas in several years. This year, there were presents piled under the tree. And despite getting everything I wanted (Purple Converses, a new bag, hot curlers, a foot pod for my Garmin Forerunner, and some new clothes), my best Christmas gift was not a present under the tree; it was a big bear hug from my best friend.
On Friday, after a long two weeks of waiting for a visitation list to be approved, I got to visit Victor at SCI Camp Hill. For the first time, we were no longer divided by a piece of glass at DCP. We were not struggling to carry out a conversation over a crappy phone while plugging our other ear to drown out the echoes of everyone else's voices as they bounced off the institutionally-painted cream-colored brick walls. For the first time in 30 months, we hugged. For the first time in 30 months, we were able to sit side-by-side, he played with my hair, we laughed at the goofy things we each said, and for the last five minutes of the visit, he took my hand, and we just sat quietly. It was known that we were both thinking about the same thing: the long journey we have ahead of us.
On Friday, after a long two weeks of waiting for a visitation list to be approved, I got to visit Victor at SCI Camp Hill. For the first time, we were no longer divided by a piece of glass at DCP. We were not struggling to carry out a conversation over a crappy phone while plugging our other ear to drown out the echoes of everyone else's voices as they bounced off the institutionally-painted cream-colored brick walls. For the first time in 30 months, we hugged. For the first time in 30 months, we were able to sit side-by-side, he played with my hair, we laughed at the goofy things we each said, and for the last five minutes of the visit, he took my hand, and we just sat quietly. It was known that we were both thinking about the same thing: the long journey we have ahead of us.
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Seeing the Good in Others
Growing up, whenever I complained about someone or something, my mother would always mention something positive about the situation or give the person the benefit of the doubt. At the time, it was annoying and frustrating. As years have gone by, I've realized that through that process, she instilled in me the rare character trait of always seeing the good in people. As I reflect, I realize how this trait has helped me to keep my sanity and get along with nearly everyone.
Over the past two years, I've been more sincerely utilizing this trait in my personal life. If you haven't read past posts or don't remember, I've known this boy since middle school. His grandma attends the church I grew up in so he would often come with her. He attended several youth group activities. However, he strayed from the productive citizen route and landed himself in jail at an early age. I would always ask his grandma about him. When he got out and moved to Newport, she gave me his new number but I never called him (I didn't overcome my phone phobia until college). From the timeline, I understand, he ended up back in jail for a few months and then got out and moved in with friends/girlfriend in Marysville. I can remember that night my freshmen year of college. Brian had picked me up after he got off of work (at midnight) from college so that we could spend Saturday together and then go to church before taking me back on Sunday. While I don't remember the details, we got into an argument (probably over the other girls he had been seeing while dating me). I left the apartment but had nowhere to go so I walked across the street to the Hess gas station. I walked in when the guy getting coffee turned around, then said my name. I was in near tears and there was Victor, an old friend ready to sit and talk to me. I often wondered what would have happened with our lives if Brian had walked into the store after only 5 minutes. Would we have exchanged numbers, again? Would we have become better friends and spend time together? Would having new friends keep him from continuously going back to the same people that over and over again got him into trouble? Hindsight isn't any use right now but I can now remember how he treated me that night. How he looked at me and recognized the sadness in my eyes. Now, I can think about the next time I saw him (6 years later), he still remembered that night and how sad I looked.
Victor found me on Facebook during my second year at BYU. When I agreed to get together with him while I was home for Christmas break, I had no intentions of falling for him. I was merely meeting an old friend and providing a positive influence. However, something clicked. He pushed me away, for the reason, that he would later tell me, that he thought I deserved more. Nearly a year later, he called me out of the blue and told me something along the lines that he was afraid that if he didn't tell me how much he cared about me, he'd lose me to someone else. This time, it was my turn to reject him. I had just spent the summer spending hours on the phone with a different guy. I even flew home for a week to surprise my mom on her birthday, as an excuse to see him again. In the end, this guy told me that I wasn't a 5'8'' brunette with blue eyes and not what he's attracted to. Ouch, right? Victor's timing was just off. Had it been a month later, after having time to recover, maybe I would not have rejected him. Maybe, out of fear that I was never going to accept him, he wouldn't have gone back to an ex-girlfriend for companionship. Then, neither of us would be in this situation.
Anyway, back to my main point. After the event that landed him back in jail, I debated whether or not to write to him. According to the newspaper, his crime accusations were the very ones that I had devoted several years of my life to fighting. After a few nights of prayer, I felt that I was to write to him, that it was my chance to be a positive influence in his life. Since then, through letters and visits, I've watched him bloom. That one letter gave him the sense of hope that he needed to start believing in a better future.
As you can imagine, there's been great opposition to the relationship that has developed between us. My mother is probably regretting the seeing the good in people trait that she instilled in me. Many people have been telling me to be careful, that he'll just hurt me in the end, not to trust him, how terrible he is, etc. What surprises me is that the majority of these individuals telling me these things are those who are very involved in their churches. I understand that they care about me and want to look out for me. I know that I do need to be careful and use my head but I also have to question the point of believing in a faith that emphasizes being saved and forgiven from your sins if you don't give others the chance to do so. Telling me that "It will take a divine intervention for him to change"he will never change, in a way, questions the miraculous powers of our God. We all sin, we all have our own faults. We expect forgiveness when we make mistakes, why do we struggle with forgiving others and giving them the necessary tools to move on with their lives?
I found this quotation by Bob Moawad tonight: "You can work miracles by having faith in others, By choosing to think and believe the best about people, you are able to bring out the best in them." I love this quotation. Maybe I'm part of that divine intervention. Maybe my belief in Victor's potential has been enough to encourage him to change for good. I won't know until I give him a chance. Having him become the person that I think he can be is worth the risk of getting hurt.
Over the past two years, I've been more sincerely utilizing this trait in my personal life. If you haven't read past posts or don't remember, I've known this boy since middle school. His grandma attends the church I grew up in so he would often come with her. He attended several youth group activities. However, he strayed from the productive citizen route and landed himself in jail at an early age. I would always ask his grandma about him. When he got out and moved to Newport, she gave me his new number but I never called him (I didn't overcome my phone phobia until college). From the timeline, I understand, he ended up back in jail for a few months and then got out and moved in with friends/girlfriend in Marysville. I can remember that night my freshmen year of college. Brian had picked me up after he got off of work (at midnight) from college so that we could spend Saturday together and then go to church before taking me back on Sunday. While I don't remember the details, we got into an argument (probably over the other girls he had been seeing while dating me). I left the apartment but had nowhere to go so I walked across the street to the Hess gas station. I walked in when the guy getting coffee turned around, then said my name. I was in near tears and there was Victor, an old friend ready to sit and talk to me. I often wondered what would have happened with our lives if Brian had walked into the store after only 5 minutes. Would we have exchanged numbers, again? Would we have become better friends and spend time together? Would having new friends keep him from continuously going back to the same people that over and over again got him into trouble? Hindsight isn't any use right now but I can now remember how he treated me that night. How he looked at me and recognized the sadness in my eyes. Now, I can think about the next time I saw him (6 years later), he still remembered that night and how sad I looked.
Victor found me on Facebook during my second year at BYU. When I agreed to get together with him while I was home for Christmas break, I had no intentions of falling for him. I was merely meeting an old friend and providing a positive influence. However, something clicked. He pushed me away, for the reason, that he would later tell me, that he thought I deserved more. Nearly a year later, he called me out of the blue and told me something along the lines that he was afraid that if he didn't tell me how much he cared about me, he'd lose me to someone else. This time, it was my turn to reject him. I had just spent the summer spending hours on the phone with a different guy. I even flew home for a week to surprise my mom on her birthday, as an excuse to see him again. In the end, this guy told me that I wasn't a 5'8'' brunette with blue eyes and not what he's attracted to. Ouch, right? Victor's timing was just off. Had it been a month later, after having time to recover, maybe I would not have rejected him. Maybe, out of fear that I was never going to accept him, he wouldn't have gone back to an ex-girlfriend for companionship. Then, neither of us would be in this situation.
Anyway, back to my main point. After the event that landed him back in jail, I debated whether or not to write to him. According to the newspaper, his crime accusations were the very ones that I had devoted several years of my life to fighting. After a few nights of prayer, I felt that I was to write to him, that it was my chance to be a positive influence in his life. Since then, through letters and visits, I've watched him bloom. That one letter gave him the sense of hope that he needed to start believing in a better future.
As you can imagine, there's been great opposition to the relationship that has developed between us. My mother is probably regretting the seeing the good in people trait that she instilled in me. Many people have been telling me to be careful, that he'll just hurt me in the end, not to trust him, how terrible he is, etc. What surprises me is that the majority of these individuals telling me these things are those who are very involved in their churches. I understand that they care about me and want to look out for me. I know that I do need to be careful and use my head but I also have to question the point of believing in a faith that emphasizes being saved and forgiven from your sins if you don't give others the chance to do so. Telling me that "It will take a divine intervention for him to change"he will never change, in a way, questions the miraculous powers of our God. We all sin, we all have our own faults. We expect forgiveness when we make mistakes, why do we struggle with forgiving others and giving them the necessary tools to move on with their lives?
I found this quotation by Bob Moawad tonight: "You can work miracles by having faith in others, By choosing to think and believe the best about people, you are able to bring out the best in them." I love this quotation. Maybe I'm part of that divine intervention. Maybe my belief in Victor's potential has been enough to encourage him to change for good. I won't know until I give him a chance. Having him become the person that I think he can be is worth the risk of getting hurt.
Monday, November 26, 2012
Eating as a Form of Procrastination
I admit it, I'm an emotional eater. I always have been. I had it under control but after moving back home, the habit sneaked back into my life. Over the past few days, I've realized that I largely eat to procrastinate. I've caught myself thinking, "My eyes hurt from staring that computer screen. Take a walk to the fridge for a break. The paper will be here when you get back." I fought so hard to have exercise be my form of procrastination. I'm not sure how or why it's suddenly eating. I do know, however, that very soon, school will be done and I will not feel as much of a need to procrastinate. I'm looking forward to getting my nutrition and cardio back on track.
Monday, August 20, 2012
1990s boybands bliss
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| Spice Girls World Tour t-shirt from 1998 |
I had one of the most epic weeks of my life. It started with driving cross-country. It included driving through the craziest storm of my life. Then, I went to the beach with my family (literally allowing me to drive coast-to-coast in less than two weeks) for a day. After the Spice Girls performed at the Olympics Closing Ceremonies, I decided to flashback to 1998 by wearing this little number on the left
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| New Kids on the Block tour tee from the 1980s |
I got up early Friday morning and drove back to PA to get ready for the MixTape Music Festival in Hershey. It was amaaaazing. Friday night was good. It rained, a lot. But we sat it out to have good seats for Kelly Clarkson (who Lindsey has been wanting to see in concert for a loooong time). I wore a New Kids on the Block tour t-shirt that I had held onto. I'm pretty sure my cousin had given it to me ages ago. At that time, I wish I had kept the other one I used to have. Pretty sure I used it as a PJ shirt when I was little. Aaron Carter opened on Friday. I was all excited to see him again but then he only sang three songs. There were some other bands before The Fray, New Kids on the Block, and Kelly Clarkson. Like I said, it was good but Saturday is what I had been waiting for.
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| Brian! |
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| Holding my new (and signed) BSB tee while wearing one of my old ones |
NKOTBSB was just as good as in Vegas. New Kids pulled The Wanted up to sing their hit song "I'm Glad You Came." Then later, while New Kids and BSB were talking on stage, they pulled out 98 degrees to give them another thanks. I thought my heart was going to stop. As a teenage girl, my dream was always to have BSB, 98 degrees, and 'NSYNC on one stage. This was close enough. So many memories.
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| First BSB concert in 1998 |
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Treasuring the friends who understand what I need
Someday, I'll expound on my thoughts but for now, I just want to say how much I treasure those friends who have exhibited patience and taken a large amount of time to understand more about me. Lately, I've been feeling stressed by my environment...the push to always be with people and doing something. I'm grateful for the friends who understand that after a long day, going out with a large group or to a loud place is added stress on me. I either need alone time or a small group situation to recharge. I need my gym time. I need to take care of me.
Saturday, June 16, 2012
overwhelmed with social media
I'm a mass communications major and I can't keep up with all of these social media networks. How does the average American not feel overwhelmed? I really want to give it all up but I can't because it's supposed to be my job! So, I shall continue to try to master the art of Twitter, Pinterest, Google+, etc. and ways in which it can enhance and promote businesses and organizations. But after I'm done watching Gossip Girl and finishing the conclusions section of the Master's Project. Soooo ready to be done with this and graduate!
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Unanswered prayers
In November, I packed up my car after three wonderful (okay, two of those were wonderful) years in Utah. I left feeling bitter. I was so frustrated that I could not find a job/career in that state. I wanted to stay. Even after my last visit, I still wanted to move back. Today, I just came back from another week in Provo and I no longer feel that way. I'm going back for 4 - 5 weeks in July (I defend on July 23!!!) to finish up school and work towards these last 15 lbs that I have to lose. I know that a lot of my feelings from this past week were based on not having a car, thus feeling trapped and dependent on other people, but I realized that I mainly miss the gym (and the people that came with it obviously). Aside from a few friends that set aside time to see me, and some fun adventures to National Parks that I had last summer, it's really not all that wonderful. It's a good thing I was mainly there this week for school because, in reality, I was actually pretty bored.
I've finally realized that I need to dream bigger. As soon as I finish this defense in July, I can really focus on going after my dreams. I've always, in a way, wanted to be a hot shot doing something amazing. (i.e. as rewarding as it can be at times, I do NOT want to be a TSS for the rest of my life). I have experience, I have the education, and holy cow, with the help of Justine and the staff at the Boys & Girls Clubs of Utah County, I won the club a new van from Toyota. How many people can say that? The world is at my finger tips.
I often just want to pack up and pick a city. Unfortunately, student debt keeps me from starting afresh without a secured income. Until then, I will keep applying for jobs in new places.
In summary, I'm grateful for that unanswered prayer that caused me to move back home in November. If not, I might have been stuck in Utah County for the rest of my life.
I've finally realized that I need to dream bigger. As soon as I finish this defense in July, I can really focus on going after my dreams. I've always, in a way, wanted to be a hot shot doing something amazing. (i.e. as rewarding as it can be at times, I do NOT want to be a TSS for the rest of my life). I have experience, I have the education, and holy cow, with the help of Justine and the staff at the Boys & Girls Clubs of Utah County, I won the club a new van from Toyota. How many people can say that? The world is at my finger tips.
I often just want to pack up and pick a city. Unfortunately, student debt keeps me from starting afresh without a secured income. Until then, I will keep applying for jobs in new places.
In summary, I'm grateful for that unanswered prayer that caused me to move back home in November. If not, I might have been stuck in Utah County for the rest of my life.
Saturday, May 26, 2012
two weeks
I gave my two weeks (well, three weeks in this case) to my weekend job because I'm going to UTAH for a big chunk of the summer.
I might see if they'll take me back next Christmas but I don't think I want to give up every Friday, Saturday and Sunday of my life for awhile.
I'm defending my thesis in July (finally!) and after that...oh, I pray that things work out career wise. While I am blessed to have my current job as a TSS, I really don't want to do it full-time nor for the rest of my life. It feels good to see improvement in my client but I'm rather bored. I want to use the skills I gained over the past 7 years of my life. I guess the only thing I can do is keep applying and keep praying.
I might see if they'll take me back next Christmas but I don't think I want to give up every Friday, Saturday and Sunday of my life for awhile.
I'm defending my thesis in July (finally!) and after that...oh, I pray that things work out career wise. While I am blessed to have my current job as a TSS, I really don't want to do it full-time nor for the rest of my life. It feels good to see improvement in my client but I'm rather bored. I want to use the skills I gained over the past 7 years of my life. I guess the only thing I can do is keep applying and keep praying.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
realizing that you're good at something
I found myself re-reading a paper I wrote back in 2009 for my intercultural communication class. I needed to transfer some of the methods section to my thesis and just started skimming the other 30 pages. When I got to the end, I thought "Wow, I'm a really good writer." It always has been my strong point. I may not be a very good creative writer or very good at writing in my personal blogs but when it comes to making information sound pleasant and flowing, I'm good at it.
I want to write more. I don't want to be a glorified babysitter too much longer. I might be able to last for another school year but I really need to get myself back into the PR field. I want to write press releases dang it!
I want to write more. I don't want to be a glorified babysitter too much longer. I might be able to last for another school year but I really need to get myself back into the PR field. I want to write press releases dang it!
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Things have been pretty crazy and stressful. I had a couple days off because of the Easter/Spring break at the schools. I've been able to use this time productively and get caught up on tasks. Now, I just need to get back on track with my workouts and nutrition. I'm looking into joining the Air Force; I'd like to get in as an Officer of Public Affairs. I, however, would like to drop another 10 pounds before meeting with a recruiter.
Things with Victor continue to go in a positive direction. He's waiting on a bail hearing, attempting to get his bail dropped and to get out, get his job back, get back into the daily grind of "real life" while waiting for his actual trial. I didn't get into visit him this evening because I ended up sleeping for a good four hours (I haven't been feeling well) but last week's visit ended with a question that completely caught me off guard.
Well, I'm not about wasting time on the Internet today. I have some things to get done.
Things with Victor continue to go in a positive direction. He's waiting on a bail hearing, attempting to get his bail dropped and to get out, get his job back, get back into the daily grind of "real life" while waiting for his actual trial. I didn't get into visit him this evening because I ended up sleeping for a good four hours (I haven't been feeling well) but last week's visit ended with a question that completely caught me off guard.
Well, I'm not about wasting time on the Internet today. I have some things to get done.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
It's hard to admit but I'm in slump: mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically. I've gained 7 lbs in the past three months. I no longer say "No" to items I wouldn't have even considered putting into my body five months ago. I don't like the way I feel but I'm struggling to fix my decisions at home. My experiences at LA Fitness haven't been helping my fitness goals. I build my workout schedule around my training appointments but the last 5 out of 6 times that I've showed up for an appointment, there hasn't been a trainer available or the trainer cancelled an hour or two before my appointment. I'm not getting the accountability and encouragement that I need, the reason I signed up for more training anyway. I know how to work myself out. I don't need someone to just run me through workouts. I need encouragement and a friend in this journey. I don't want to go the opposite direction anymore. I'm tired of making stupid food choices that I only regret later. My pants are too snug, I don't feel good in my clothes anymore. It's just frustrating to go backwards in everything I worked for. I want so bad to be able to move back to Utah for a couple more years in order to finish this journey with a trainer that I know has my best interest in mind, not just money.
I'm frustrated with family members that aren't looking out or my best interest. A particular one that doesn't understand that I don't want to look for jobs just in this area. I'm not happy here. Yeah, things are okay but I don't glow like I did all last year.
I need to find a way to get remotivated. I'm almost two weeks into my 3 - 4 weeks without running, cycling, zumba, lunges, etc. Hopefully, my knee will be healed and I can slowly get back into my old routine. I think that not running makes me cranky.
I'm frustrated with family members that aren't looking out or my best interest. A particular one that doesn't understand that I don't want to look for jobs just in this area. I'm not happy here. Yeah, things are okay but I don't glow like I did all last year.
I need to find a way to get remotivated. I'm almost two weeks into my 3 - 4 weeks without running, cycling, zumba, lunges, etc. Hopefully, my knee will be healed and I can slowly get back into my old routine. I think that not running makes me cranky.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
opinions needed
I have a question for you all and could use some of your opinions. So, a good five or six years ago, I made a two-page scrapbook layout with pictures and captions about my relationship with Brian (We were still dating and talking about marriage when I made this). I have since ripped off a couple of the text blocks but what about the photos? Is it acceptable to keep them in the scrapbook or should I just toss those pages all together? It was my first (and let's be honest, until recently, only) serious relationship. And I did run into Victor again while I was with Brian at the gas station...okay, actually I had left Brian's apartment after an argument and walked across the street to the gas station but still, you get the point. (Funny how those things work).
Any words of advice would be greatly appreciated.
Any words of advice would be greatly appreciated.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
3-2-1
What I've been fighting and resisting for the past two years finally happened. Those three sacred little words slipped off my tongue tonight. I was caught off guard and just let my feelings slip right on out with my "I love you too". Is this a bad thing, of course not! It just means that it's getting serious. I don't throw those three little words around. In fact, I haven't used them with a guy since...about this time in 2007. That's five years of saving those words to use at the right moment with someone truly special. Although I hoped that my first use would not involve saying them into a phone while looking at him with a piece of glass separating us. It is what it is, and I'm now over that big hurdle of figuring out how to verbalize my emotions.
I never expected this to happen. That visit to the halfway house two years ago was simply to see an old friend. Something touched my heart and I fell; I fell hard.
"We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly." - from somewhere on Facebook
And with that, I say goodnight.
I never expected this to happen. That visit to the halfway house two years ago was simply to see an old friend. Something touched my heart and I fell; I fell hard.
"We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly." - from somewhere on Facebook
And with that, I say goodnight.
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