more words

Various excerpts from 20some pages of thoughts. I have a lot to process. I think some prayer, fasting, blessings, and temple trips are in order to figure this one out.



"It really gets to me when I look back and think about how, at least in this case, I should have dropped everything to be with you; because if I had, I would have never got into a situation like this. This is that "being too honest." I wasn't into pills or anything like that, but sure enough, within the first week of seeing (insert female name here), she pulled me right back into all that. She was the girl I loved the most at the time...I doubt that it would be a healthy relationship to pursue though. I don't want to be that person. I want to have a life that has more substance and meaning. Again, Malinda, I'm sorry. :( I feel guilt over my belief that I've hurt you. I do believe I've hurt you...You had said about others telling you to not bother writing to me, and I would tell you the same thing if I were someone else too. So, I have nothing to lose by telling you that I love you, and if I were to never hear from you again at least I had the chance to say it, and did. The fact that you even wrote says a lot. I would be very lucky if I were with a girl like you. By now though, I think it may be safe to say I don't have that chance anymore. After all I've done, I'm assuming I would be correct to say that having more than a friendship with me would be out of the question. I feel lucky enough to have your friendship, very lucky...."


"So I wanted to throw something out there. It is my choice to write to you...but, I am not here to place my value system onto you. Meaning, please don't, in any way, let me hold you back from living your life to the fullest. You are not obligated to do anything for me...If you find a guy that makes you happy, go for it. You already known what I wish I had done; though, yet again, don't let me hold you back. However, if you would decide that into the future, you'd like to be with me, I'll be yours--and more power to you. I don't expect that, but I wanted to say it."


"I look forward to better times. You are one of the best people I know, and you really are a priority to me over any of the others. I wish that there could have been a better way for me to see how much I really need you, rather than being pulled further away from you to finally see that I want to be with you. I really used to feel like I would have been in your way, slowing down your success in life. I also believed that we were just simply worlds apart. Yet, now there are many things I don't want to be a part of at all anymore. Rather than constantly trying to run from something, I want to now run to something much better...and here I am, faced with having to start all over again."


"I really do have absolutely nothing to lose at this point to tell you that I love you, and that you are an angel in every way. I love you so much, but I can't see myself doing much more than holding back your success...." "....you have the grace of God in your heart, Malinda, and I have never in my life had any one single person be there for me like you have. The sweetest peach in the grove has been right in my hands' reach, but I was taking it for granted because I had nothing to prove it to be sure. Now it is amazingly painful to be at this point in my life along with the circumstances as they are to now see plain as day that, if I could be with a girl like you I would sacrifice everything and anything without any hesitation."


"When I say I need you, I mean I want you, will you please be with me, will you be my companion, will you be my partner, will you be my lover. At first I was the one in disbelief that you were still there for me Malinda. You are though, and after what I've shared with you, I hope you understand that I will commit my life to you. If you commit with me, it's still you're choice, but I'm praying that you will. I'm really, honestly sorry that I made you cry....I will never choose drugs over you. Never, never, never. I know how that feels. So, I will definitely keep that a thing of the past. I have made terrible choices. I want to just live peacefully and find the fulfilment just like you...."

another three letters

I checked my mail over lunch today. Three separate envelopes from Victor. What an overwhelming and intense set of words. He again apologized for taking me for granted in the past, acknowledged that if he had given more attention to me instead of dating his ex who pulled him back into drugs, that he would be a much better spot. Then, he said those three crazy words, "I love you." (Huge sigh)

looking forward to April

I can just tell that April is going to be a great month! :D

my bike

I came home from Target tonight with a bike. I figure after 3 months of riding it to work, it will pay for itself. Saving money on gas while getting exercise at the same time = fantastic. I hope it's nice on Monday. I think I'll ride it to work then. I just pray that I don't get hit by a car in the process. That's my biggest fear.



Anyway, buying a new bike makes me think of this song by Ghoti Hook. I hope I can find it to listen to it:

There's just one thing that I love more than anything
I hold it so near to my heart.
It has just one gear and a pair of blue traning wheels,
A headlight to see int eh dark.
I like my bike. It's not liek other bikes. I like my bike.
It's not like other bikes.
It has pinwheels and a purple banana seat,
Loud cards in the spokes as they bend,
It has a big horn that I honk when you're in my way,
So I don't run over my friends.
I like my bike. It's not like other bikes.

And that's just a taste of the cheesey bike song. :p

excerpts from the heart of a boy I still love

"So Malinda, please allow me to say that I am very, very sorry. The friendship that you have offered to me since day one has been nothing less than unconditional. I have simply just returned that favor with complete disregard and can't even begin to tell you how much of an ass I am. No need to even explain that part because you already know. What I did was wrong. There is barely a man on earth even worthy of your friendship, because it is plain as day that you are so genuine. What I'm saying is, I doubt there is another that could match your quality as a person. You have a pure heart. A few months ago, I would have said I have no regrets; but now, I've realized that I have an overwhelming number of regrets. I could only hope that now I may have the privilege to get to really know you more as a person. The person you are and the qualities that make you Malinda....."

"Well, it's always good to be honest, but in a lot of ways being too honest can be...bad. So, how do I build a bridge to overcome brutal honesty to another and maintain it in a way that is no longer bad...that the overall outcome will be good. Now, keep in mind that I am talking about you, and I'm trying my very best to not seen cryptic. As far as I know, you are always completely honest. I've been honest too as far as I can remember, but the point I'm trying to reach is that, despite everything, I really need you. You, specifically...though I realize that I'm in no position to be asking for anything from you, I really do, and I want our friendship to grow. I have a very guilty conscience and I sincerely want to be a better person towards you. It's hit me with some force that I hadn't given you way more attention, and that it took this for me to wake up to that."

Oh geez, not the letter to read in the library. People probably thought I was nuts as the tears rolled down my face. The truth is that I care for him deeply. It's pretty safe to say that I love him. But he's going to spend the next 5 -10 years in prison and who knows if he'll have the ability to keep his act together when he gets out. I want to believe him, but I just...can't. And, I don't want him to devote time to me because he feels guilty. He needs me versus he feels guilty is rather contradicting. I don't know what to do. I'm torn between holding on and moving on.

running goals in writing

• I need to make another attempt at running a straight mile without walking. I've only done this five or six times in my life (all within the past year)
• I want to be able to run a 5k without walking
• I want to finish a marathon in under 6 hours and 30 minutes
• With that being said, I want to finish a half marathon in 3 hours (and 15 minutes at the most)
• Run for Kids 10k in 1 hour 15 minutes. (haha, most people would start with the smaller race times and move up - I started with the larger one and moved down)

things I've learned through six months of service

1) Poverty is hard. I'm struggling with just under $900 a month. I can't imagine having a family while living off of that amount.
2) I love kids; I always have but I needed reminded of that.
3) Kids can do some really stupid things.
4) I've done some really stupid (probably event supider) things so it's pretty easy to forgive them.
5) Balancing full-time work with half-time schooling, fitness/wellness, household chores, and a social life is rough.
6) Friday nights are hard. I'm ready for bed by 9PM.
7) I can do anything I put my mind to. It may take me awhile to convince myself that I really can do it, but after I do, there's no stopping me.
8) I have some really great friends in Provo.
9) I have some really great friends in Pennsylvania and other parts of the world as well.
10) People are, uusally, very generous.
11) I need to make time to take care of myself or all balance will be lost.
12) I'm old now; I can't live off of 5 hours of sleep anymore. I get cranky.
13) You can get kids to do anything for candy.
14) Adults are still like kids in many ways - wanting instant gratification rather than waiting patiently for the better prize in the long run. Why save our money/points for an mp3 player when we can get 2 packs of markers now?
15) I'm going to be okay in the real world; I'm actually very marketable.
16) I am so not a gold person (organized, timely, lists) but I know how to use this fact to my advantage (i.e. I'm super flexible and won't stress out when something changes last minute; I can delegate tasks and I won't hesitate to do so)
17) Quite often, your health is worth sacrificing your social life.
18) It's true, not going to church and not studying the Word of God can lead to spiritual stagnation or spiritual death.
19) I write too much.
20) A list of 20 things is probably too long for you to read all 20. Bravo if you did.
21) Not all guys stop talking to you after you express interest that is not returned. Only dumb ones that aren't worth your time to begin with do that.