I totally got hit by a car. It was such a scary thing at the time. I am truly blessed that I was able to jump off of my bike instead of completely losing balance and falling over...otherwise I would have been crushed cuz the lady really had no clue that she was in the process of taking my bike out with her car.

no go

Well, I will no longer be an employee at the Boys & Girls Club after August 19th. It hurts to say that aloud but it is what it is.

The doors are wide open. I can go anywhere.

grateful for the Priesthood

I just want to start by saying how grateful I am for the dear male friends of mine who hold the Priesthood. I'm even more grateful for those that I can call up and ask for a blessing.

Updates: for the past several months I've been feeling really sick. I was getting headaches all the time, was really fatigued, dizzy, lightheaded, blurry vision, terrible abdominal pain, irritable and grouchy, stuttering and slurring my words, and just not feeling well. Before, they would come in go, but this past month, it was happening every day. It even got to the point where I had trouble concentrating and would have moments of confusion. So, I finally went to the doctor last week. They ran five different tests (anemia, diabetes, PCOS, cholesterol, and thyroid levels), which means that I had to have five tubes of blood taken. I was a big girl about it though. I didn't kick the poor lady like I did when I got a shot when I was little. :p I like how they talk to you the whole time so that it's over before you even realize it.

My results came back on Thursday; I've been diagnosed with hypothyroidism. Basically, my metabolism hasn't been working for who knows how long. I just know that I felt like my body was shutting down on me.

I started taking the synthetic thyroid hormone on Saturday. On Sunday, I just felt weird, shaky, and really hot all day. But come Monday, it made me weak and psycho. I went to the gym in the morning (in hopes to feel better), but barely had enough energy or will-power to get through a light weight training workout. By the time I got home, hopelessness and "nobody would notice if I'm gone" thoughts started to pop in my head, thoughts that I haven't had in years. I was seriously scared of myself. I called off work and crawled back under my covers in tears. Despite sleeping 9 hours the night before, I slept for another four hours. Crazy, crazy. I went into work for an hour to make some important phone calls. My gym buddy Rhoda convinced me to give Zumba a shot, so I did. I looked like a fool but I can say I did it. Then my other gym buddy Stephanie convinced me to stay for this Body Sculpt class (which I thought I was gonna die in) and then go run a mile afterwards. Then Lauren texted me and told me that she was going to the gym so I stayed to meet her and then ran another mile. All in all, I spent 3 1/2 hours at the gym on Monday trying to distract myself.

Anyway, my other answer to the problem was to tell someone what was going on. Let me tell you, admitting that you're having suicidal thoughts for no reason to someone isn't easy but I knew who I could tell, the same person who knows everything other sensitive and emotional detail about my life. I really think that just telling someone takes a huge weight off of your shoulders. It's like "Wow, someone else is sharing this burden with me." He came and talked to me last night about everything. Tonight, he and his roommate gave me a healing blessing. I'm just incredibly grateful. I've shed a lot of tears over the past week. I know a lot of people go through a lot worse. What I have isn't likely to kill me; I'm gratefully not battling cancer or anything but it's still a huge adjustment. I'm hesitant about having to take medication for the rest of my life. I'm frustrated that I've spent the past three years trying to lose weight without a properly functioning thyroid and metabolism and that the doctors and trainers never caught it before, I'm frustrated that I put up with the headaches and exhaustion for so long. And then just tears from the side effects of the medicine. How it made me feel "not normal" and like a nutcase.

I finally told my mom about what happened with the meds, and her first question was, "Does somebody out there know what's going on so they can check on you?" and I was just happy that I could say, "Yes."

I've had such a great support group. I'm grateful that my diagnosis came while living in Provo; while working where I do, while having a fantastic and understanding supervisor who has let me take several days off, come in late, work from home, etc. while I tried to figure out what was going on. I'm grateful for my friends at the gym who are or have gone through similar situations and have been able to tell me what to expect. I'm grateful for the friend who reminded me that he would be devastated if I did end up doing anything stupid and that I better call him right away if I feel like that again.

He is right, the Lord does love me and he is looking after me.

confused and frustrated

I wish I knew what God has planned for me; what he wants me to do, where he wants me to be, and who he wants me to be with. Everything is in limbo right now and I don't like it.

The Boys & Girls Club only got 1/2 of the AmeriCorps funding as they received this previous year. So, at this point, they can't open a full-time position. They applied for supplemental funding but won't know until August. If they don't get the funding and, have to make the position part-time, they'll have to re-post it, re-interview, etc. It's a waiting game. So, I'm just planning to stick around without knowing. I need to finish by degree by carrying out my PR project at the Boys & Girls Club so I will be there, job or no job, at least until December.

I broke up with Victor...I told him about my date with the aforementioned boy and told him that I wanted to keep writing but I can't commit to anything at this point in time. I feel bad, and part of me wonders if that was the right thing to do. Aforementioned boy flirts it up with me sometimes; constantly compliments me and says cheesey lines. I'm just confused about the intention of them. Last time I assumed that a guy was into me based on his actions, I ended up being reminded that I'm not a 5'8" brunette with blue eyes. Why do guys have to be so complicated. I do really enjoy spending time with the guy; I think I have a "friend crush" more than anything. But, over the past few years, I've just assumed that unless the guy comes out and says that he's interested, it's always just a playful friend thing.

Never Going Back

Sometimes, we just need someone else to step in and give us the extra motivation and inspiration to get us to where we want to go. Someone to pull us out of our comfort zones, push us beyond our limits, and get us to do things we never thought we could do before. Someone to tear us down physically but build us up mentally and emotionally, to help us instill self confidence and the desire to do, look, and be our best. When that person enters your life, you can do nothing but graciously smile and say, "Thank you."

A lot to take in

It's been a big few weeks for me. I apologize if this post is slightly jumbled but it's a representation of my mind lately.


First, there's the job. We're on week three of the ten week summer program. I'm burned out. I can officially say that I am ready to hand the role of volunteer coordinator over to someone in two months time. Two months...that's the guaranteed time that I have left in Utah. Crazy. We're supposed to find out on Friday if the Boys & Girls Clubs of Utah County will be a recipient of AmeriCorps funding. Once that is revealed...then I should know whether or not Dave has decided to keep me around by making me Director of Operations. Second in command, intimidating. In the meantime, I've been applying to everything I can find that's non-profit PR related back home. If I don't get the position at the Club, I certainly won't be sticking around Utah any longer. It's hard being in limbo. I've missed out on several decent jobs because they wanted someone to start within a few weeks of the closing date.


The second item has still been the boy. It's been several weeks since I've written to him. One, I haven't had the energy to write and answer all of his questions and feed him emotions like he wants. And two, God and I have been duking this out. Shortly after I got back from being home for Easter, I made a plea with him to guide me and that if I weren't supposed to commit to him at this time/wait for him to get released that someone (a guy, obviously) would invite me out. Then, I got sick; I get really needy when I'm sick. I found myself thinking that it was ridiculous to be dating someone who is sitting in prison. He can't even be here to take care of me when I need him. Then, someone invited me to dinner. While it was a casual get-together, it still counted towards my little deal with God. Plus, that time I spent with the guy reminded me of how nice it was to have one-on-one time with a guy that I care about, and that I really don't know if I can spend the next several years of my life on just the exchange of letters. I came home that Saturday convinced that I was going to write to him to tell him that I can't do this anymore. That I want to keep writing. That I want to be his friend and support him, but I can't consider myself his girlfriend right now. For some reason, I haven't been able to do it.


Yesterday, during my afternoon run I stopped halfway through to swing in the park. I had been noticing all of the couples walking down the sidewalk hand-in-hand and it made me long to have that special someone again. Then, as I was swinging, still listening to my iPod, this classic Backstreet Boys hit came on:


"Although loneliness has always been a friend of mine
I'm leavin' my life in your hands
People say I'm crazy and that I am blind
Riskin' it all in a glance
And how you've got me blind is still a mystery
I can't get you out of my head
I don't care what is written in your history
As long as you're here with me

I don't care who you are
Where you're from
What you did
As long as you love me"



I kid you not, I cried on the park swings. Is my longing to have someone who can be physically present (despite my current lack in that area) selfish? Should I view Victor in way similar to these BSB lyrics? Ugh, Victor was right...if we don't end up together, selfishness will be what keeps us apart. I'm just confused about what I'm supposed to do.

feeling the need to know everything

I don't know what it is about me but something makes me look like I'm in charge???? We had an all-club field trip today to Pirate Island (picture a nicer-scaled Chuck-E-Cheese with a pirate theme). More kids showed up today with signed permission slips than expected; 140...with 8 staff and volunteers. It was insane. I ended up going over to help them out. I hadn't been planning on going nor did I really have any idea what was going on. Yet, for some reason, all the YDP staff kept coming and asking me questions about what was going on. Sometimes, I tried to take charge, other times, I had no idea and flat out told them that. I had a reporter shoved in my direction; tried to answer questions just by overhearing things about the field trip. Yeah, interesting day.

I've decided that in my position as a volunteer coordinator, I'm much more than a volunteer coordinator. Because I'm in the front office where parents see me and ask me questions, I'm expected to know and to be able to answer every little question about programming. I'm supposed to know where "Little Johnny" left his backpack, be able to answer, "Where is Sarah?" or "Where's my teacher?" oh and "I need snack. I didn't get snack." Then there's why so-and-so didn't bring home a field trip permission form (yeah, I made the mistake of taking a phone call today while the receptionist was busy talking to another parent...I got screamed at), the kids expect my office to be a locker for things that they didn't bring in a bag, I manage all of our social media, write press releases, today I was made to join the Utah Dept. of Human Services' Quality Improvement Committee...in which everything was talked about in social work terms...I was constantly looking up abbreviations and definitions. Oh my gosh. I did not know what I was getting myself into as an AmeriCorps VISTA. Yet, I love it. Odd, eh? Basically, if I don't get the Director of Operations position, the person they hire must be INCREDIBLY AWESOME at everything he or she does because hell, I do quite a lot at the club for only making $5.55 an hour on my VISTA living stipend.