I'm not sure if I do this often, but this is one I need to share.
A few weeks back, I talked with my home teachers/friends about the loneliness I had been feeling. I had hit rock bottom. I was emotionally drained which led to being physically fatigued. I was sleeping so much, unable to focus on school, and, like I said in a previous post, I was starting to wonder if grad school/LDS Church was worth it all. If it would be easier to just move back into my parents' house in Perry County and get plugged back into my old UMC church with my lifelong friends. I don't really remember a whole lot about what we talked about, other than the idea of putting my contract up for sale and moving elsewhere, but I do remember something that came out in the prayer and that was to asking to "help Malinda recognize the friends that she has." Then, I met with the bishop the following week. I got the typical printed talk about diminishing and rooting testimonies, and I got frustrated that he thought that just because I'm in a better roommate situation this year automatically made things better. Then, he said something that really hit me, "What are you doing to cultivate the friendships that you want? Who are you inviting to the movies?" It's been on my mind a lot. I guess I kinda got defensive automatically and said that I've tried (which I have in a way but not as much as I should have). But I've been thinking about it so much lately and really trying to take action on that. I've been visiting people instead of waiting for them to visit me. I've been asking people what they're doing, and sometimes inviting myself along. I've really changed my attitude about things. I hope it stays this way for awhile. I know that if I do decide to live in Utah in the fall, I will move elsewhere. It's time to given another ward a shot. But for now, I'm going to make the best of it and hopefully develop a couple lifelong friendships.
With that said, I've also thought a lot about the friends I do already have (answered prayer to Jared's request - I think so). I have two awesome roommates, and, when we're not all stressed out, we have a blast together, or at least I think we do. I've had the opportunity to initiate friendships with a few people and allow friendships from last year to blossom, while maintaining the friendships with people back home. I need to be thankful for those have been placed in my life. I need to stop worrying about trying to get in with the core group of the ward. Yes, I'll do things with them, and have fun when I do spend time with them, but I've realized that, for the most part, I'll just have to do my own thing. After four semesters, I'm finally OK with that.
In other news, I was just video chatting with my friend Andres. I met him at Church in Ecuador. We went out a few times, and he is quite the excellent dancer, but those are just side notes. He moved to Chile shortly after I left Ecuador. He was telling about living through the earthquake there in Santiago. How he thought his life was over, how scared he was, how much time he spent praying. I completely forgot that he was living in Santiago or I would have been in touch with him earlier. Yeah, terrible friend, I know.
Well, with that said, it is my bed time.
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