more words

Various excerpts from 20some pages of thoughts. I have a lot to process. I think some prayer, fasting, blessings, and temple trips are in order to figure this one out.



"It really gets to me when I look back and think about how, at least in this case, I should have dropped everything to be with you; because if I had, I would have never got into a situation like this. This is that "being too honest." I wasn't into pills or anything like that, but sure enough, within the first week of seeing (insert female name here), she pulled me right back into all that. She was the girl I loved the most at the time...I doubt that it would be a healthy relationship to pursue though. I don't want to be that person. I want to have a life that has more substance and meaning. Again, Malinda, I'm sorry. :( I feel guilt over my belief that I've hurt you. I do believe I've hurt you...You had said about others telling you to not bother writing to me, and I would tell you the same thing if I were someone else too. So, I have nothing to lose by telling you that I love you, and if I were to never hear from you again at least I had the chance to say it, and did. The fact that you even wrote says a lot. I would be very lucky if I were with a girl like you. By now though, I think it may be safe to say I don't have that chance anymore. After all I've done, I'm assuming I would be correct to say that having more than a friendship with me would be out of the question. I feel lucky enough to have your friendship, very lucky...."


"So I wanted to throw something out there. It is my choice to write to you...but, I am not here to place my value system onto you. Meaning, please don't, in any way, let me hold you back from living your life to the fullest. You are not obligated to do anything for me...If you find a guy that makes you happy, go for it. You already known what I wish I had done; though, yet again, don't let me hold you back. However, if you would decide that into the future, you'd like to be with me, I'll be yours--and more power to you. I don't expect that, but I wanted to say it."


"I look forward to better times. You are one of the best people I know, and you really are a priority to me over any of the others. I wish that there could have been a better way for me to see how much I really need you, rather than being pulled further away from you to finally see that I want to be with you. I really used to feel like I would have been in your way, slowing down your success in life. I also believed that we were just simply worlds apart. Yet, now there are many things I don't want to be a part of at all anymore. Rather than constantly trying to run from something, I want to now run to something much better...and here I am, faced with having to start all over again."


"I really do have absolutely nothing to lose at this point to tell you that I love you, and that you are an angel in every way. I love you so much, but I can't see myself doing much more than holding back your success...." "....you have the grace of God in your heart, Malinda, and I have never in my life had any one single person be there for me like you have. The sweetest peach in the grove has been right in my hands' reach, but I was taking it for granted because I had nothing to prove it to be sure. Now it is amazingly painful to be at this point in my life along with the circumstances as they are to now see plain as day that, if I could be with a girl like you I would sacrifice everything and anything without any hesitation."


"When I say I need you, I mean I want you, will you please be with me, will you be my companion, will you be my partner, will you be my lover. At first I was the one in disbelief that you were still there for me Malinda. You are though, and after what I've shared with you, I hope you understand that I will commit my life to you. If you commit with me, it's still you're choice, but I'm praying that you will. I'm really, honestly sorry that I made you cry....I will never choose drugs over you. Never, never, never. I know how that feels. So, I will definitely keep that a thing of the past. I have made terrible choices. I want to just live peacefully and find the fulfilment just like you...."