Honesty

I used to be one to wear my heart on my sleeve. I told people what was on my mind and shared my thoughts and feelings. Lately, I have found myself doing a lot less of that. I often find myself burdened with things that I want to share with friends but never actually bring them up. I think that part of that has been due to my in-and-out lifestyle. I come and I go, constantly moving from one place to the next. Another part has been my inability to allow myself to trust people anymore in fear of being hurt again.

As I find myself preparing to move to Utah for at least the next two years, I am filled with waves of emotions. I was once excited and anxious for a change of scenery. Now, I find myself hesitant and scared. I don't want to be so far away from the friendships I have formed over the past several years. Yes, I lived in Ecuador but I knew when I was coming back. I knew that December 22, 2007 meant coming home. As I pack my stuff now, I realize that I don't have the sense of definiteness. A lot changes in two years. I may never come back. And well, to be quite honest, I often ask myself "Why come back?" Other than a handful of awesome friends and immediate family, what do I really have to come back to?

I hope that this blog can not only be way a to keep in touch and keep those I care about updated, I hope that it can help me redevelop honesty as I begin to realize the importance of being open and real in any relationship. I have realized that there is no reason to fear being hurt. Life has moved on from the hell I experienced in the past. I've spent the past couple of weeks thinking about who my friends really are and man, I really love you all. You continue to amaze me.