discovery

So, I've been pondering over several things for the past few months. During this process, I discovered something:

In addition to all of the awesome people I met during my five months abroad, I loved Ecuador so much because I wasn't just another face in the crowd. I was a red-headed American in a Latin American world. I stuck out. I didn't blend in. Sure, the hissing (Ecuadorian form of whistling) got annoying and was pretty obnoxious but I admit, I kinda liked it. In an odd way, it made me feel beautiful. Due to the fact that I did stick out, everyone wanted to talk to me. All of the guys wanted to "practice their English" and the girls just wanted to be my friend. They constantly teased me about how when they couldn't find me, they always knew to look for the boys and there I would be...right in the middle of them. Ecuador made me feel...well...special.

As I've walked around campus the past couple of weeks, I looked around and realized that I'm just another face in the crowd at this point. In a student body consisting primarily of white American young adults, I can't stand out with my appearance (I've seen more redheads in Provo in the past 3 weeks than I have in my entire life). And, unfortunately, in this American society, I don't have the appearances that catch someone's first interest. More than once, I've felt slightly intimidated by being surrounded by so many tall, skinny and beautiful girls and have compared myself to them...usually feeling down on myself, knowing that I just can't compare. (I know, it's really not a healthy thing to do).

Moral of my story: Utah isn't Ecuador; If I want to get to know more people, I have to show them what's different about me through my personality. They need to see, by my actions and words, why I shouldn't be considered just another face in the crowd.

Honesty

I used to be one to wear my heart on my sleeve. I told people what was on my mind and shared my thoughts and feelings. Lately, I have found myself doing a lot less of that. I often find myself burdened with things that I want to share with friends but never actually bring them up. I think that part of that has been due to my in-and-out lifestyle. I come and I go, constantly moving from one place to the next. Another part has been my inability to allow myself to trust people anymore in fear of being hurt again.

As I find myself preparing to move to Utah for at least the next two years, I am filled with waves of emotions. I was once excited and anxious for a change of scenery. Now, I find myself hesitant and scared. I don't want to be so far away from the friendships I have formed over the past several years. Yes, I lived in Ecuador but I knew when I was coming back. I knew that December 22, 2007 meant coming home. As I pack my stuff now, I realize that I don't have the sense of definiteness. A lot changes in two years. I may never come back. And well, to be quite honest, I often ask myself "Why come back?" Other than a handful of awesome friends and immediate family, what do I really have to come back to?

I hope that this blog can not only be way a to keep in touch and keep those I care about updated, I hope that it can help me redevelop honesty as I begin to realize the importance of being open and real in any relationship. I have realized that there is no reason to fear being hurt. Life has moved on from the hell I experienced in the past. I've spent the past couple of weeks thinking about who my friends really are and man, I really love you all. You continue to amaze me.