I'm going to stick to running races instead of organizing them. Them past month and a half has been the most stressful time of my life. Oh well, at least I go to run in it. 10k in 1:33, not bad, not bad. Three minutes longer than what I wanted but I'll take it....I did stop to chat for a bit at the water stations.
For the past two weeks, I've been running 4 mile a day. I think today marks increasing my mileage to 6. I'm turning into a real runner. I am, however, feeling the guilt of breaking down and getting pizza last night. Yes, this girl can still down a whole pizza in two days. And I might have had cookies too. There goes all my hard work. Oh well, I'll get back with the program tomorrow. My cheating is over for awhile; I feel disgusting.
On another note, this whole waiting for someone gets harder and harder every day. I don't know if I can do this for a few more years. But at the same time, I dunno if I could ever be with someone else and give 100%....I think I would wonder "What if?" I dunno.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Saturday, May 14, 2011
feeling great
Well, in the past 7 days, I have ran 23 miles and lost 5.5 pounds, crazy. I'm not sure what happened, but something just clicked. I've got my diet right and have been trying my hardest to run 4 miles a day. I'm just grateful to finally have control again.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
following your heart vs. the advice of others
I know what my heart wants. My heart has been praying for this since December 2009. Everyone else's opinions are getting in my way. I don't want people to worry about me but hell, I'm tired of everyone making the decision for me.
Ever since Brian and I ended our relationship back in 2007, I've been reminded over and over again that someone better will come along. That someone will sweep me off my feet. That it just wasn't meant to be with Brian. Now, four years later, that the someone is knocking at my door (okay, more like kicking the door down), everyone is opposed to it and worried about me. Yeah, he has a bad past...and a big record. Yes, he's made some stupid decisions with his life but what really matters is how he treats me and how he makes me feel. This kid has never once put any kind of move on me (beyond basic flirting) because he was afraid of crossing my boundaries...he respected me.
It's ironic. A few years ago, Brian had picked me up from school on a Friday night. He worked second shift, got off at midnight and I had the bad habit of staying at his place for the weekend or having him take me home on Saturday. I don't remember what it was about, but we got into some stupid fight so I walked across the street to Hess (I didn't have a car to go anywhere). I heard my name (with a hesitant tone of voice, like is that you?) turned around and there was Victor...the grandson of one of my favorite ladies at the church I grew up in. All those years, I had asked her how he was doing...she'd always tell him that I said hi and asked about him. I wish I had stayed to talk to him longer. But instead, Brian walked in to buy a Mt. Dew a few minutes later; I left with him. Maybe the timing wasn't right yet back then but I really think that something keeps bringing us together in the most random situations. If you would have told me back then that I'd be receiving love letters from this guy, I probably would have laughed in your face but now I am, and it makes me smile.
I know I have the bad habit of trusting people until they do me wrong...and then giving them a second (or third, fourth, and fifth) chance but I need people to trust my gut right now. I know where my heart is. I've been interested in other guys since Brian...have dated a few, but I can never picture myself with them forever. Victor, however, I can. Despite our extreme differences in our past journeys, I can see our different paths colliding and growing.
My fortune at dinner (in the Chicago Midway Airport)the other night said, "Trust him, but still keep your eyes open." I'm going to do what my heart wants to do. Maybe this is why the guys in my life have been so weird and needy...to prepare me for one that is very needy, one in need of a lot of guidance, a lot of love, a lot of expression of emotions, and a lot of support. It just seems normal now. I can almost see God up there smiling in pride rather than pointing his finger and laughing hilariosly at the guys he's put in my life.
My mom taught me to see the good in people, to see their potential and the positive things they have to offer. Granted, on the way to the airport on Sunday, Jim told her that she did a too good of job and that I didn't learn how to avoid the crazies. Victor is still a child of God deserving redemption and forgiveness. While others "wash their hands of him" and see him as a dangerous situatuion, I refuse to give up on him. I will fight for him until he proves me otherwise.
Ever since Brian and I ended our relationship back in 2007, I've been reminded over and over again that someone better will come along. That someone will sweep me off my feet. That it just wasn't meant to be with Brian. Now, four years later, that the someone is knocking at my door (okay, more like kicking the door down), everyone is opposed to it and worried about me. Yeah, he has a bad past...and a big record. Yes, he's made some stupid decisions with his life but what really matters is how he treats me and how he makes me feel. This kid has never once put any kind of move on me (beyond basic flirting) because he was afraid of crossing my boundaries...he respected me.
It's ironic. A few years ago, Brian had picked me up from school on a Friday night. He worked second shift, got off at midnight and I had the bad habit of staying at his place for the weekend or having him take me home on Saturday. I don't remember what it was about, but we got into some stupid fight so I walked across the street to Hess (I didn't have a car to go anywhere). I heard my name (with a hesitant tone of voice, like is that you?) turned around and there was Victor...the grandson of one of my favorite ladies at the church I grew up in. All those years, I had asked her how he was doing...she'd always tell him that I said hi and asked about him. I wish I had stayed to talk to him longer. But instead, Brian walked in to buy a Mt. Dew a few minutes later; I left with him. Maybe the timing wasn't right yet back then but I really think that something keeps bringing us together in the most random situations. If you would have told me back then that I'd be receiving love letters from this guy, I probably would have laughed in your face but now I am, and it makes me smile.
I know I have the bad habit of trusting people until they do me wrong...and then giving them a second (or third, fourth, and fifth) chance but I need people to trust my gut right now. I know where my heart is. I've been interested in other guys since Brian...have dated a few, but I can never picture myself with them forever. Victor, however, I can. Despite our extreme differences in our past journeys, I can see our different paths colliding and growing.
My fortune at dinner (in the Chicago Midway Airport)the other night said, "Trust him, but still keep your eyes open." I'm going to do what my heart wants to do. Maybe this is why the guys in my life have been so weird and needy...to prepare me for one that is very needy, one in need of a lot of guidance, a lot of love, a lot of expression of emotions, and a lot of support. It just seems normal now. I can almost see God up there smiling in pride rather than pointing his finger and laughing hilariosly at the guys he's put in my life.
My mom taught me to see the good in people, to see their potential and the positive things they have to offer. Granted, on the way to the airport on Sunday, Jim told her that she did a too good of job and that I didn't learn how to avoid the crazies. Victor is still a child of God deserving redemption and forgiveness. While others "wash their hands of him" and see him as a dangerous situatuion, I refuse to give up on him. I will fight for him until he proves me otherwise.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
risky emotions
My heart wants one thing but my head is trying super hard to keep it in check. I got another poem the other day; this one is actually good.
Want
I am drawn to you with love like fire,
Each surge of passion to my heart so dire,
You're sugar sweet like the lure of flowers,
Like a peach that I could eat for hours,
Like honey pure so amber true
The purity that flows through you,
the soft velvet brush of loves' desire,
That stirs the drive of love so ire,
I pine to have you to love and hold,
To love with passion into our days of old,
For the girl you are I give my heart guilt free,
And as years pass I pray you'll want this love from me.
His grandma is worried about me; told my mom so. Funny how at Christmastime she was telling me how she wished he would have taken to me. Now that he is, she's not even rooting for us. She won't tell me to my face...I think there's still a glimmer of hope that she wants for her grandson but she doesn't want it at the cost of him hurting me, if that makes sense. Her words to me were, "He's a gamble." I could stick around, fight for him, and things will all work out. Or, he could go right back to his old habits and I'll just be tangled up in the mess.
So, I'm here in Pennsylvania but I'm not going to visit him. It's too soon to face him face-to-face. Maybe come July...maybe by then there will be someone else in my life, and I can simply reply, "We can only be friends."
Want
I am drawn to you with love like fire,
Each surge of passion to my heart so dire,
You're sugar sweet like the lure of flowers,
Like a peach that I could eat for hours,
Like honey pure so amber true
The purity that flows through you,
the soft velvet brush of loves' desire,
That stirs the drive of love so ire,
I pine to have you to love and hold,
To love with passion into our days of old,
For the girl you are I give my heart guilt free,
And as years pass I pray you'll want this love from me.
His grandma is worried about me; told my mom so. Funny how at Christmastime she was telling me how she wished he would have taken to me. Now that he is, she's not even rooting for us. She won't tell me to my face...I think there's still a glimmer of hope that she wants for her grandson but she doesn't want it at the cost of him hurting me, if that makes sense. Her words to me were, "He's a gamble." I could stick around, fight for him, and things will all work out. Or, he could go right back to his old habits and I'll just be tangled up in the mess.
So, I'm here in Pennsylvania but I'm not going to visit him. It's too soon to face him face-to-face. Maybe come July...maybe by then there will be someone else in my life, and I can simply reply, "We can only be friends."
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
a poem entitled "Malinda"
I'm such a sucker for romantic words. This thing is so cheesey but it made me smile. I had to share with my few close followers.
The purest angel with skin all so fair
Which I touch as she smiles so softly to me
As I run my fingers through her delicate red hair
I look into her eyes and there is a passion I see
A passion so real and straight from the heart
So strong that I feel this most passionate art
As it draws me to her liek an addiction to love
This new feeling so strong that I've never heard of
That I yearn for so strongly and want to treat well
And to keep I would die for and fight my way back from hell
Not a single thing I would not do or go through
And this sweet loving angel is none other than you.
The purest angel with skin all so fair
Which I touch as she smiles so softly to me
As I run my fingers through her delicate red hair
I look into her eyes and there is a passion I see
A passion so real and straight from the heart
So strong that I feel this most passionate art
As it draws me to her liek an addiction to love
This new feeling so strong that I've never heard of
That I yearn for so strongly and want to treat well
And to keep I would die for and fight my way back from hell
Not a single thing I would not do or go through
And this sweet loving angel is none other than you.
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