I know what my heart wants. My heart has been praying for this since December 2009. Everyone else's opinions are getting in my way. I don't want people to worry about me but hell, I'm tired of everyone making the decision for me.
Ever since Brian and I ended our relationship back in 2007, I've been reminded over and over again that someone better will come along. That someone will sweep me off my feet. That it just wasn't meant to be with Brian. Now, four years later, that the someone is knocking at my door (okay, more like kicking the door down), everyone is opposed to it and worried about me. Yeah, he has a bad past...and a big record. Yes, he's made some stupid decisions with his life but what really matters is how he treats me and how he makes me feel. This kid has never once put any kind of move on me (beyond basic flirting) because he was afraid of crossing my boundaries...he respected me.
It's ironic. A few years ago, Brian had picked me up from school on a Friday night. He worked second shift, got off at midnight and I had the bad habit of staying at his place for the weekend or having him take me home on Saturday. I don't remember what it was about, but we got into some stupid fight so I walked across the street to Hess (I didn't have a car to go anywhere). I heard my name (with a hesitant tone of voice, like is that you?) turned around and there was Victor...the grandson of one of my favorite ladies at the church I grew up in. All those years, I had asked her how he was doing...she'd always tell him that I said hi and asked about him. I wish I had stayed to talk to him longer. But instead, Brian walked in to buy a Mt. Dew a few minutes later; I left with him. Maybe the timing wasn't right yet back then but I really think that something keeps bringing us together in the most random situations. If you would have told me back then that I'd be receiving love letters from this guy, I probably would have laughed in your face but now I am, and it makes me smile.
I know I have the bad habit of trusting people until they do me wrong...and then giving them a second (or third, fourth, and fifth) chance but I need people to trust my gut right now. I know where my heart is. I've been interested in other guys since Brian...have dated a few, but I can never picture myself with them forever. Victor, however, I can. Despite our extreme differences in our past journeys, I can see our different paths colliding and growing.
My fortune at dinner (in the Chicago Midway Airport)the other night said, "Trust him, but still keep your eyes open." I'm going to do what my heart wants to do. Maybe this is why the guys in my life have been so weird and needy...to prepare me for one that is very needy, one in need of a lot of guidance, a lot of love, a lot of expression of emotions, and a lot of support. It just seems normal now. I can almost see God up there smiling in pride rather than pointing his finger and laughing hilariosly at the guys he's put in my life.
My mom taught me to see the good in people, to see their potential and the positive things they have to offer. Granted, on the way to the airport on Sunday, Jim told her that she did a too good of job and that I didn't learn how to avoid the crazies. Victor is still a child of God deserving redemption and forgiveness. While others "wash their hands of him" and see him as a dangerous situatuion, I refuse to give up on him. I will fight for him until he proves me otherwise.
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