I went to visit Victor again on Thursday. I had a bigger chunk of time set aside that day. I was only going to stay for two hours so that I could go home and get some work done. However, we got to talking and next thing I knew, the officers were kicking me out for the expiration of the allotted four hours. I admit that it's hard for me to be letting someone in again and it's been a slow process. I can tell that he sometimes feels frustrated by my standoff behaviors, yet he remains patient and encouraging.
We talked about a lot that day, from the possibility of a future, major disagreements in our lives (that we recognize need resolving before any kind of future can happen), to the topic of my post a few weeks ago about someone telling me that he would need divine intervention to change, to which he responded, "What does she know about the divine intervention that has already happened?" We also talked about my "stalker" and the situation that led up to it. How I prayed that if I weren't supposed to wait for Victor, to put somebody else in my life and to make it pretty obvious because I'm pretty oblivious when guys are interested in me. What he thought of the situation? Am I showing my commitment to seeing this through, am I ignoring promptings from God? I'm just grateful that I'm able to talk to him about these kind of things openly and honestly despite the effect that they can on his future as well.
Anyway, after I left, I caved and went to Panda Express (my favorite place to turn an order into two or three meals over the next week). I opened my fortune cookie later that night: You bring out the best in others. What kind of coincidence is that?
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
All I Want for Christmas is You
What a beautiful Christmas holiday. The snow started to fall Christmas Eve and stayed long enough to allow us to wake up to our first White Christmas in several years. This year, there were presents piled under the tree. And despite getting everything I wanted (Purple Converses, a new bag, hot curlers, a foot pod for my Garmin Forerunner, and some new clothes), my best Christmas gift was not a present under the tree; it was a big bear hug from my best friend.
On Friday, after a long two weeks of waiting for a visitation list to be approved, I got to visit Victor at SCI Camp Hill. For the first time, we were no longer divided by a piece of glass at DCP. We were not struggling to carry out a conversation over a crappy phone while plugging our other ear to drown out the echoes of everyone else's voices as they bounced off the institutionally-painted cream-colored brick walls. For the first time in 30 months, we hugged. For the first time in 30 months, we were able to sit side-by-side, he played with my hair, we laughed at the goofy things we each said, and for the last five minutes of the visit, he took my hand, and we just sat quietly. It was known that we were both thinking about the same thing: the long journey we have ahead of us.
On Friday, after a long two weeks of waiting for a visitation list to be approved, I got to visit Victor at SCI Camp Hill. For the first time, we were no longer divided by a piece of glass at DCP. We were not struggling to carry out a conversation over a crappy phone while plugging our other ear to drown out the echoes of everyone else's voices as they bounced off the institutionally-painted cream-colored brick walls. For the first time in 30 months, we hugged. For the first time in 30 months, we were able to sit side-by-side, he played with my hair, we laughed at the goofy things we each said, and for the last five minutes of the visit, he took my hand, and we just sat quietly. It was known that we were both thinking about the same thing: the long journey we have ahead of us.
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Seeing the Good in Others
Growing up, whenever I complained about someone or something, my mother would always mention something positive about the situation or give the person the benefit of the doubt. At the time, it was annoying and frustrating. As years have gone by, I've realized that through that process, she instilled in me the rare character trait of always seeing the good in people. As I reflect, I realize how this trait has helped me to keep my sanity and get along with nearly everyone.
Over the past two years, I've been more sincerely utilizing this trait in my personal life. If you haven't read past posts or don't remember, I've known this boy since middle school. His grandma attends the church I grew up in so he would often come with her. He attended several youth group activities. However, he strayed from the productive citizen route and landed himself in jail at an early age. I would always ask his grandma about him. When he got out and moved to Newport, she gave me his new number but I never called him (I didn't overcome my phone phobia until college). From the timeline, I understand, he ended up back in jail for a few months and then got out and moved in with friends/girlfriend in Marysville. I can remember that night my freshmen year of college. Brian had picked me up after he got off of work (at midnight) from college so that we could spend Saturday together and then go to church before taking me back on Sunday. While I don't remember the details, we got into an argument (probably over the other girls he had been seeing while dating me). I left the apartment but had nowhere to go so I walked across the street to the Hess gas station. I walked in when the guy getting coffee turned around, then said my name. I was in near tears and there was Victor, an old friend ready to sit and talk to me. I often wondered what would have happened with our lives if Brian had walked into the store after only 5 minutes. Would we have exchanged numbers, again? Would we have become better friends and spend time together? Would having new friends keep him from continuously going back to the same people that over and over again got him into trouble? Hindsight isn't any use right now but I can now remember how he treated me that night. How he looked at me and recognized the sadness in my eyes. Now, I can think about the next time I saw him (6 years later), he still remembered that night and how sad I looked.
Victor found me on Facebook during my second year at BYU. When I agreed to get together with him while I was home for Christmas break, I had no intentions of falling for him. I was merely meeting an old friend and providing a positive influence. However, something clicked. He pushed me away, for the reason, that he would later tell me, that he thought I deserved more. Nearly a year later, he called me out of the blue and told me something along the lines that he was afraid that if he didn't tell me how much he cared about me, he'd lose me to someone else. This time, it was my turn to reject him. I had just spent the summer spending hours on the phone with a different guy. I even flew home for a week to surprise my mom on her birthday, as an excuse to see him again. In the end, this guy told me that I wasn't a 5'8'' brunette with blue eyes and not what he's attracted to. Ouch, right? Victor's timing was just off. Had it been a month later, after having time to recover, maybe I would not have rejected him. Maybe, out of fear that I was never going to accept him, he wouldn't have gone back to an ex-girlfriend for companionship. Then, neither of us would be in this situation.
Anyway, back to my main point. After the event that landed him back in jail, I debated whether or not to write to him. According to the newspaper, his crime accusations were the very ones that I had devoted several years of my life to fighting. After a few nights of prayer, I felt that I was to write to him, that it was my chance to be a positive influence in his life. Since then, through letters and visits, I've watched him bloom. That one letter gave him the sense of hope that he needed to start believing in a better future.
As you can imagine, there's been great opposition to the relationship that has developed between us. My mother is probably regretting the seeing the good in people trait that she instilled in me. Many people have been telling me to be careful, that he'll just hurt me in the end, not to trust him, how terrible he is, etc. What surprises me is that the majority of these individuals telling me these things are those who are very involved in their churches. I understand that they care about me and want to look out for me. I know that I do need to be careful and use my head but I also have to question the point of believing in a faith that emphasizes being saved and forgiven from your sins if you don't give others the chance to do so. Telling me that "It will take a divine intervention for him to change"he will never change, in a way, questions the miraculous powers of our God. We all sin, we all have our own faults. We expect forgiveness when we make mistakes, why do we struggle with forgiving others and giving them the necessary tools to move on with their lives?
I found this quotation by Bob Moawad tonight: "You can work miracles by having faith in others, By choosing to think and believe the best about people, you are able to bring out the best in them." I love this quotation. Maybe I'm part of that divine intervention. Maybe my belief in Victor's potential has been enough to encourage him to change for good. I won't know until I give him a chance. Having him become the person that I think he can be is worth the risk of getting hurt.
Over the past two years, I've been more sincerely utilizing this trait in my personal life. If you haven't read past posts or don't remember, I've known this boy since middle school. His grandma attends the church I grew up in so he would often come with her. He attended several youth group activities. However, he strayed from the productive citizen route and landed himself in jail at an early age. I would always ask his grandma about him. When he got out and moved to Newport, she gave me his new number but I never called him (I didn't overcome my phone phobia until college). From the timeline, I understand, he ended up back in jail for a few months and then got out and moved in with friends/girlfriend in Marysville. I can remember that night my freshmen year of college. Brian had picked me up after he got off of work (at midnight) from college so that we could spend Saturday together and then go to church before taking me back on Sunday. While I don't remember the details, we got into an argument (probably over the other girls he had been seeing while dating me). I left the apartment but had nowhere to go so I walked across the street to the Hess gas station. I walked in when the guy getting coffee turned around, then said my name. I was in near tears and there was Victor, an old friend ready to sit and talk to me. I often wondered what would have happened with our lives if Brian had walked into the store after only 5 minutes. Would we have exchanged numbers, again? Would we have become better friends and spend time together? Would having new friends keep him from continuously going back to the same people that over and over again got him into trouble? Hindsight isn't any use right now but I can now remember how he treated me that night. How he looked at me and recognized the sadness in my eyes. Now, I can think about the next time I saw him (6 years later), he still remembered that night and how sad I looked.
Victor found me on Facebook during my second year at BYU. When I agreed to get together with him while I was home for Christmas break, I had no intentions of falling for him. I was merely meeting an old friend and providing a positive influence. However, something clicked. He pushed me away, for the reason, that he would later tell me, that he thought I deserved more. Nearly a year later, he called me out of the blue and told me something along the lines that he was afraid that if he didn't tell me how much he cared about me, he'd lose me to someone else. This time, it was my turn to reject him. I had just spent the summer spending hours on the phone with a different guy. I even flew home for a week to surprise my mom on her birthday, as an excuse to see him again. In the end, this guy told me that I wasn't a 5'8'' brunette with blue eyes and not what he's attracted to. Ouch, right? Victor's timing was just off. Had it been a month later, after having time to recover, maybe I would not have rejected him. Maybe, out of fear that I was never going to accept him, he wouldn't have gone back to an ex-girlfriend for companionship. Then, neither of us would be in this situation.
Anyway, back to my main point. After the event that landed him back in jail, I debated whether or not to write to him. According to the newspaper, his crime accusations were the very ones that I had devoted several years of my life to fighting. After a few nights of prayer, I felt that I was to write to him, that it was my chance to be a positive influence in his life. Since then, through letters and visits, I've watched him bloom. That one letter gave him the sense of hope that he needed to start believing in a better future.
As you can imagine, there's been great opposition to the relationship that has developed between us. My mother is probably regretting the seeing the good in people trait that she instilled in me. Many people have been telling me to be careful, that he'll just hurt me in the end, not to trust him, how terrible he is, etc. What surprises me is that the majority of these individuals telling me these things are those who are very involved in their churches. I understand that they care about me and want to look out for me. I know that I do need to be careful and use my head but I also have to question the point of believing in a faith that emphasizes being saved and forgiven from your sins if you don't give others the chance to do so. Telling me that "It will take a divine intervention for him to change"he will never change, in a way, questions the miraculous powers of our God. We all sin, we all have our own faults. We expect forgiveness when we make mistakes, why do we struggle with forgiving others and giving them the necessary tools to move on with their lives?
I found this quotation by Bob Moawad tonight: "You can work miracles by having faith in others, By choosing to think and believe the best about people, you are able to bring out the best in them." I love this quotation. Maybe I'm part of that divine intervention. Maybe my belief in Victor's potential has been enough to encourage him to change for good. I won't know until I give him a chance. Having him become the person that I think he can be is worth the risk of getting hurt.
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