Thursday, December 29, 2011
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Victor
Tonight, I went majorly out of my comfort zone and conquered a pretty big fear that has made me procrastinate on seeing someone special. But tonight, I finally got to see this beautiful face for the first time in seventeen long months:
The process was intimidating and the dreary, rainy weather was fitting to the anxious emotions I was feeling. The walk from the parking lot was dark and dismal. I, at one point, thought to myself, "Watch, I'm going to get mugged outside of the prison." My slow and fearful walk turned into quick and anxious steps. I proceeded into the tiny entrance way where I checked my cell phone (yeah, I'll leave everything in the car next time), ran my purse through the security scanner and took a journey through the metal detector.
Upon entering the lobby, my first impression was fear of touching anything. The walls were institutional cream combined with institutional waiting area chairs painted in a chipping and graffiti covered green. I walked into the bathroom to grab some TP to use as a tissue. After one glance into the stall, I was grateful that I did not have a need to use the facilities. Again, still scared to touch anything.
I signed in, passing my ID through the metal whole in the glass and was instructed to leave my purse in one of the lobby lockers. I waited, twiddled my thumbs, thought about how I would feel after seeing Victor for the first time in a year and a half, whether I could handle being separated by glass, etc. Then the moment came; a female staff member yelled out, "Okay ladies." Everyone got up and seemed to know what to do. I was not expecting the pat down and almost decided to walk right back out the door. I even looked at the lady and was like, "I don't know if visiting him is worth this." At the time, I felt like I was losing a bit of my integrity.
Upon entering the visitation area, I took my seat next to one of the phones and chatted with the girl next to me as a I waited. She had just spent a night in the facility to the other week but her boyfriend has just gotten transferred there; he gets out in July. I was definitely not like the other girls around me and it showed. It's funny because in movies and television shows, these visitations always look so dark but the area was actually pretty bright. I could make out every imperfection in the paint surrounding the window. The areas where the paint had chipped off had started to rust. It looked much like this but dingier. The walls and stools were all painted this ugly dark green color.
Then, we waited. I saw these big and burly, tough-guy black dudes walk out and then finally, a very thin and fuzzy-faced Victor. He looked confused before he spotted me. He wasn't expecting me; I've liked surprising people :D One look at his face changed everything I've been thinking for the past few months. One glance reminded me of how special he makes me feel. How he's always loved me for me. How he does nothing but encourage me. How he never did nothing more than give me a hug because of how much he respected me. How much I enjoy being with him. How much I wished that there were not a piece of glass separating us.
I found out that I was his first visitor; my heart broke when he told me that. He's been in there for nearly a year and nobody bothered to visit him. His dad never visits, doesn't write, and has only answered the phone once when he called. I'm so glad I decided to write that letter back in January. I'm making a difference in his life.
I drove home thinking about how crazy I must seem. How does a girl who has never been in trouble for anything beyond a detention for tardies wind up clicking with a guy who's been in trouble his entire life. As I think about the changes I've seen him make, I become grateful for the craziness. I'm grateful that I'm able to care about him in a way that helped to give him that extra little push that he needed to get his life turned around. I'm grateful that he's been introduced to the Book of Mormon and the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints because he wanted what I had. I'm grateful that he meets with a spiritual advisor on a regular basis...and that he desired to meet with someone so much that he fervently fought and appealed the county prison policies in order to get a spiritual advisor.
Most importantly, I'm grateful that God has given me a big heart to look past initial judgements and to see people in ways that many others cannot. Others look at Victor and see a no-good guy who has been in and out of prison his entire life. I look at him and see him as a really great guy who spent many of his years lost and in wrong company. I hope he's right. I hope that he can win his case, and that we can see each other without a giant barrier between us.
Many people have been judging my emotions for Victor over the past year as unwise or foolish. Tonight, a very respected friend had this to say, "You deserve someone who loves you, treats you well, and makes you happy. If that's him, then that's all that matters."
I believe in the power to change. And quite frankly, someone who has made some stupid decisions in his life is more likely to change than someone who has spent most of his life just being a complete ass. In my opinion, this man behind bars exceeds so many of the male idiots who are out on the streets. You can send someone to jail for making a stupid mistake but, unfortunately, you can't send someone to jail for just being an ass.
Well, those are my words for the day. Just something to think about.
The process was intimidating and the dreary, rainy weather was fitting to the anxious emotions I was feeling. The walk from the parking lot was dark and dismal. I, at one point, thought to myself, "Watch, I'm going to get mugged outside of the prison." My slow and fearful walk turned into quick and anxious steps. I proceeded into the tiny entrance way where I checked my cell phone (yeah, I'll leave everything in the car next time), ran my purse through the security scanner and took a journey through the metal detector.
Upon entering the lobby, my first impression was fear of touching anything. The walls were institutional cream combined with institutional waiting area chairs painted in a chipping and graffiti covered green. I walked into the bathroom to grab some TP to use as a tissue. After one glance into the stall, I was grateful that I did not have a need to use the facilities. Again, still scared to touch anything.
I signed in, passing my ID through the metal whole in the glass and was instructed to leave my purse in one of the lobby lockers. I waited, twiddled my thumbs, thought about how I would feel after seeing Victor for the first time in a year and a half, whether I could handle being separated by glass, etc. Then the moment came; a female staff member yelled out, "Okay ladies." Everyone got up and seemed to know what to do. I was not expecting the pat down and almost decided to walk right back out the door. I even looked at the lady and was like, "I don't know if visiting him is worth this." At the time, I felt like I was losing a bit of my integrity.
Upon entering the visitation area, I took my seat next to one of the phones and chatted with the girl next to me as a I waited. She had just spent a night in the facility to the other week but her boyfriend has just gotten transferred there; he gets out in July. I was definitely not like the other girls around me and it showed. It's funny because in movies and television shows, these visitations always look so dark but the area was actually pretty bright. I could make out every imperfection in the paint surrounding the window. The areas where the paint had chipped off had started to rust. It looked much like this but dingier. The walls and stools were all painted this ugly dark green color.
Then, we waited. I saw these big and burly, tough-guy black dudes walk out and then finally, a very thin and fuzzy-faced Victor. He looked confused before he spotted me. He wasn't expecting me; I've liked surprising people :D One look at his face changed everything I've been thinking for the past few months. One glance reminded me of how special he makes me feel. How he's always loved me for me. How he does nothing but encourage me. How he never did nothing more than give me a hug because of how much he respected me. How much I enjoy being with him. How much I wished that there were not a piece of glass separating us.
I found out that I was his first visitor; my heart broke when he told me that. He's been in there for nearly a year and nobody bothered to visit him. His dad never visits, doesn't write, and has only answered the phone once when he called. I'm so glad I decided to write that letter back in January. I'm making a difference in his life.
I drove home thinking about how crazy I must seem. How does a girl who has never been in trouble for anything beyond a detention for tardies wind up clicking with a guy who's been in trouble his entire life. As I think about the changes I've seen him make, I become grateful for the craziness. I'm grateful that I'm able to care about him in a way that helped to give him that extra little push that he needed to get his life turned around. I'm grateful that he's been introduced to the Book of Mormon and the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints because he wanted what I had. I'm grateful that he meets with a spiritual advisor on a regular basis...and that he desired to meet with someone so much that he fervently fought and appealed the county prison policies in order to get a spiritual advisor.
Most importantly, I'm grateful that God has given me a big heart to look past initial judgements and to see people in ways that many others cannot. Others look at Victor and see a no-good guy who has been in and out of prison his entire life. I look at him and see him as a really great guy who spent many of his years lost and in wrong company. I hope he's right. I hope that he can win his case, and that we can see each other without a giant barrier between us.
Many people have been judging my emotions for Victor over the past year as unwise or foolish. Tonight, a very respected friend had this to say, "You deserve someone who loves you, treats you well, and makes you happy. If that's him, then that's all that matters."
I believe in the power to change. And quite frankly, someone who has made some stupid decisions in his life is more likely to change than someone who has spent most of his life just being a complete ass. In my opinion, this man behind bars exceeds so many of the male idiots who are out on the streets. You can send someone to jail for making a stupid mistake but, unfortunately, you can't send someone to jail for just being an ass.
Well, those are my words for the day. Just something to think about.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Saturday, December 10, 2011
A month has passed since I embarked on my journey back to the Eastern Standard Time Zone. Sometimes, Utah feels like nothing more than a dream. I replay moments in my head questioning whether they actually happened. Thankfully, the invention of photography has helped me keep a grasp on reality.
It's no secret that I was bitter about the fact that I was moving back to Pennsylvania. I didn't want to do it but I knew that it was the right choice. It's proving that way. I couldn't get a job for the life of me in Utah. After moving home, I found jobs quickly. I have two-part time retail jobs right now; turned down a full time sales job at Gold's, turned down some other retail jobs, and I start as a Therapeutic Support Staff in January. I've had the chance to deep clean my room, start "de-cluttering," and paint my walls. Now, instead of being plain white, they have just a hint of blue in them. I'm still working on getting rid of a lot of things. I watch Hoarders or Buried Alive while sorting through things. Reminding myself that enjoying living the present (without clutter) helps me part with the more sentimental (but useless) items.
I'll blog more later. I need sleep. Prepping for 53 hours of work this week.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
torn and frustrated
Moving across the country was exciting and scary. Now, I'm at the point where I need to decide if I move back or not.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
I totally got hit by a car. It was such a scary thing at the time. I am truly blessed that I was able to jump off of my bike instead of completely losing balance and falling over...otherwise I would have been crushed cuz the lady really had no clue that she was in the process of taking my bike out with her car.
Monday, August 1, 2011
no go
Well, I will no longer be an employee at the Boys & Girls Club after August 19th. It hurts to say that aloud but it is what it is.
The doors are wide open. I can go anywhere.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
grateful for the Priesthood
I just want to start by saying how grateful I am for the dear male friends of mine who hold the Priesthood. I'm even more grateful for those that I can call up and ask for a blessing.
Updates: for the past several months I've been feeling really sick. I was getting headaches all the time, was really fatigued, dizzy, lightheaded, blurry vision, terrible abdominal pain, irritable and grouchy, stuttering and slurring my words, and just not feeling well. Before, they would come in go, but this past month, it was happening every day. It even got to the point where I had trouble concentrating and would have moments of confusion. So, I finally went to the doctor last week. They ran five different tests (anemia, diabetes, PCOS, cholesterol, and thyroid levels), which means that I had to have five tubes of blood taken. I was a big girl about it though. I didn't kick the poor lady like I did when I got a shot when I was little. :p I like how they talk to you the whole time so that it's over before you even realize it.
My results came back on Thursday; I've been diagnosed with hypothyroidism. Basically, my metabolism hasn't been working for who knows how long. I just know that I felt like my body was shutting down on me.
I started taking the synthetic thyroid hormone on Saturday. On Sunday, I just felt weird, shaky, and really hot all day. But come Monday, it made me weak and psycho. I went to the gym in the morning (in hopes to feel better), but barely had enough energy or will-power to get through a light weight training workout. By the time I got home, hopelessness and "nobody would notice if I'm gone" thoughts started to pop in my head, thoughts that I haven't had in years. I was seriously scared of myself. I called off work and crawled back under my covers in tears. Despite sleeping 9 hours the night before, I slept for another four hours. Crazy, crazy. I went into work for an hour to make some important phone calls. My gym buddy Rhoda convinced me to give Zumba a shot, so I did. I looked like a fool but I can say I did it. Then my other gym buddy Stephanie convinced me to stay for this Body Sculpt class (which I thought I was gonna die in) and then go run a mile afterwards. Then Lauren texted me and told me that she was going to the gym so I stayed to meet her and then ran another mile. All in all, I spent 3 1/2 hours at the gym on Monday trying to distract myself.
Anyway, my other answer to the problem was to tell someone what was going on. Let me tell you, admitting that you're having suicidal thoughts for no reason to someone isn't easy but I knew who I could tell, the same person who knows everything other sensitive and emotional detail about my life. I really think that just telling someone takes a huge weight off of your shoulders. It's like "Wow, someone else is sharing this burden with me." He came and talked to me last night about everything. Tonight, he and his roommate gave me a healing blessing. I'm just incredibly grateful. I've shed a lot of tears over the past week. I know a lot of people go through a lot worse. What I have isn't likely to kill me; I'm gratefully not battling cancer or anything but it's still a huge adjustment. I'm hesitant about having to take medication for the rest of my life. I'm frustrated that I've spent the past three years trying to lose weight without a properly functioning thyroid and metabolism and that the doctors and trainers never caught it before, I'm frustrated that I put up with the headaches and exhaustion for so long. And then just tears from the side effects of the medicine. How it made me feel "not normal" and like a nutcase.
I finally told my mom about what happened with the meds, and her first question was, "Does somebody out there know what's going on so they can check on you?" and I was just happy that I could say, "Yes."
I've had such a great support group. I'm grateful that my diagnosis came while living in Provo; while working where I do, while having a fantastic and understanding supervisor who has let me take several days off, come in late, work from home, etc. while I tried to figure out what was going on. I'm grateful for my friends at the gym who are or have gone through similar situations and have been able to tell me what to expect. I'm grateful for the friend who reminded me that he would be devastated if I did end up doing anything stupid and that I better call him right away if I feel like that again.
He is right, the Lord does love me and he is looking after me.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
confused and frustrated
I wish I knew what God has planned for me; what he wants me to do, where he wants me to be, and who he wants me to be with. Everything is in limbo right now and I don't like it.
The Boys & Girls Club only got 1/2 of the AmeriCorps funding as they received this previous year. So, at this point, they can't open a full-time position. They applied for supplemental funding but won't know until August. If they don't get the funding and, have to make the position part-time, they'll have to re-post it, re-interview, etc. It's a waiting game. So, I'm just planning to stick around without knowing. I need to finish by degree by carrying out my PR project at the Boys & Girls Club so I will be there, job or no job, at least until December.
I broke up with Victor...I told him about my date with the aforementioned boy and told him that I wanted to keep writing but I can't commit to anything at this point in time. I feel bad, and part of me wonders if that was the right thing to do. Aforementioned boy flirts it up with me sometimes; constantly compliments me and says cheesey lines. I'm just confused about the intention of them. Last time I assumed that a guy was into me based on his actions, I ended up being reminded that I'm not a 5'8" brunette with blue eyes. Why do guys have to be so complicated. I do really enjoy spending time with the guy; I think I have a "friend crush" more than anything. But, over the past few years, I've just assumed that unless the guy comes out and says that he's interested, it's always just a playful friend thing.
The Boys & Girls Club only got 1/2 of the AmeriCorps funding as they received this previous year. So, at this point, they can't open a full-time position. They applied for supplemental funding but won't know until August. If they don't get the funding and, have to make the position part-time, they'll have to re-post it, re-interview, etc. It's a waiting game. So, I'm just planning to stick around without knowing. I need to finish by degree by carrying out my PR project at the Boys & Girls Club so I will be there, job or no job, at least until December.
I broke up with Victor...I told him about my date with the aforementioned boy and told him that I wanted to keep writing but I can't commit to anything at this point in time. I feel bad, and part of me wonders if that was the right thing to do. Aforementioned boy flirts it up with me sometimes; constantly compliments me and says cheesey lines. I'm just confused about the intention of them. Last time I assumed that a guy was into me based on his actions, I ended up being reminded that I'm not a 5'8" brunette with blue eyes. Why do guys have to be so complicated. I do really enjoy spending time with the guy; I think I have a "friend crush" more than anything. But, over the past few years, I've just assumed that unless the guy comes out and says that he's interested, it's always just a playful friend thing.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Never Going Back
Sometimes, we just need someone else to step in and give us the extra motivation and inspiration to get us to where we want to go. Someone to pull us out of our comfort zones, push us beyond our limits, and get us to do things we never thought we could do before. Someone to tear us down physically but build us up mentally and emotionally, to help us instill self confidence and the desire to do, look, and be our best. When that person enters your life, you can do nothing but graciously smile and say, "Thank you."
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
A lot to take in
It's been a big few weeks for me. I apologize if this post is slightly jumbled but it's a representation of my mind lately.
First, there's the job. We're on week three of the ten week summer program. I'm burned out. I can officially say that I am ready to hand the role of volunteer coordinator over to someone in two months time. Two months...that's the guaranteed time that I have left in Utah. Crazy. We're supposed to find out on Friday if the Boys & Girls Clubs of Utah County will be a recipient of AmeriCorps funding. Once that is revealed...then I should know whether or not Dave has decided to keep me around by making me Director of Operations. Second in command, intimidating. In the meantime, I've been applying to everything I can find that's non-profit PR related back home. If I don't get the position at the Club, I certainly won't be sticking around Utah any longer. It's hard being in limbo. I've missed out on several decent jobs because they wanted someone to start within a few weeks of the closing date.
The second item has still been the boy. It's been several weeks since I've written to him. One, I haven't had the energy to write and answer all of his questions and feed him emotions like he wants. And two, God and I have been duking this out. Shortly after I got back from being home for Easter, I made a plea with him to guide me and that if I weren't supposed to commit to him at this time/wait for him to get released that someone (a guy, obviously) would invite me out. Then, I got sick; I get really needy when I'm sick. I found myself thinking that it was ridiculous to be dating someone who is sitting in prison. He can't even be here to take care of me when I need him. Then, someone invited me to dinner. While it was a casual get-together, it still counted towards my little deal with God. Plus, that time I spent with the guy reminded me of how nice it was to have one-on-one time with a guy that I care about, and that I really don't know if I can spend the next several years of my life on just the exchange of letters. I came home that Saturday convinced that I was going to write to him to tell him that I can't do this anymore. That I want to keep writing. That I want to be his friend and support him, but I can't consider myself his girlfriend right now. For some reason, I haven't been able to do it.
Yesterday, during my afternoon run I stopped halfway through to swing in the park. I had been noticing all of the couples walking down the sidewalk hand-in-hand and it made me long to have that special someone again. Then, as I was swinging, still listening to my iPod, this classic Backstreet Boys hit came on:
"Although loneliness has always been a friend of mine
I'm leavin' my life in your hands
People say I'm crazy and that I am blind
Riskin' it all in a glance
And how you've got me blind is still a mystery
I can't get you out of my head
I don't care what is written in your history
As long as you're here with me
I don't care who you are
Where you're from
What you did
As long as you love me"
I kid you not, I cried on the park swings. Is my longing to have someone who can be physically present (despite my current lack in that area) selfish? Should I view Victor in way similar to these BSB lyrics? Ugh, Victor was right...if we don't end up together, selfishness will be what keeps us apart. I'm just confused about what I'm supposed to do.
First, there's the job. We're on week three of the ten week summer program. I'm burned out. I can officially say that I am ready to hand the role of volunteer coordinator over to someone in two months time. Two months...that's the guaranteed time that I have left in Utah. Crazy. We're supposed to find out on Friday if the Boys & Girls Clubs of Utah County will be a recipient of AmeriCorps funding. Once that is revealed...then I should know whether or not Dave has decided to keep me around by making me Director of Operations. Second in command, intimidating. In the meantime, I've been applying to everything I can find that's non-profit PR related back home. If I don't get the position at the Club, I certainly won't be sticking around Utah any longer. It's hard being in limbo. I've missed out on several decent jobs because they wanted someone to start within a few weeks of the closing date.
The second item has still been the boy. It's been several weeks since I've written to him. One, I haven't had the energy to write and answer all of his questions and feed him emotions like he wants. And two, God and I have been duking this out. Shortly after I got back from being home for Easter, I made a plea with him to guide me and that if I weren't supposed to commit to him at this time/wait for him to get released that someone (a guy, obviously) would invite me out. Then, I got sick; I get really needy when I'm sick. I found myself thinking that it was ridiculous to be dating someone who is sitting in prison. He can't even be here to take care of me when I need him. Then, someone invited me to dinner. While it was a casual get-together, it still counted towards my little deal with God. Plus, that time I spent with the guy reminded me of how nice it was to have one-on-one time with a guy that I care about, and that I really don't know if I can spend the next several years of my life on just the exchange of letters. I came home that Saturday convinced that I was going to write to him to tell him that I can't do this anymore. That I want to keep writing. That I want to be his friend and support him, but I can't consider myself his girlfriend right now. For some reason, I haven't been able to do it.
Yesterday, during my afternoon run I stopped halfway through to swing in the park. I had been noticing all of the couples walking down the sidewalk hand-in-hand and it made me long to have that special someone again. Then, as I was swinging, still listening to my iPod, this classic Backstreet Boys hit came on:
"Although loneliness has always been a friend of mine
I'm leavin' my life in your hands
People say I'm crazy and that I am blind
Riskin' it all in a glance
And how you've got me blind is still a mystery
I can't get you out of my head
I don't care what is written in your history
As long as you're here with me
I don't care who you are
Where you're from
What you did
As long as you love me"
I kid you not, I cried on the park swings. Is my longing to have someone who can be physically present (despite my current lack in that area) selfish? Should I view Victor in way similar to these BSB lyrics? Ugh, Victor was right...if we don't end up together, selfishness will be what keeps us apart. I'm just confused about what I'm supposed to do.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
feeling the need to know everything
I don't know what it is about me but something makes me look like I'm in charge???? We had an all-club field trip today to Pirate Island (picture a nicer-scaled Chuck-E-Cheese with a pirate theme). More kids showed up today with signed permission slips than expected; 140...with 8 staff and volunteers. It was insane. I ended up going over to help them out. I hadn't been planning on going nor did I really have any idea what was going on. Yet, for some reason, all the YDP staff kept coming and asking me questions about what was going on. Sometimes, I tried to take charge, other times, I had no idea and flat out told them that. I had a reporter shoved in my direction; tried to answer questions just by overhearing things about the field trip. Yeah, interesting day.
I've decided that in my position as a volunteer coordinator, I'm much more than a volunteer coordinator. Because I'm in the front office where parents see me and ask me questions, I'm expected to know and to be able to answer every little question about programming. I'm supposed to know where "Little Johnny" left his backpack, be able to answer, "Where is Sarah?" or "Where's my teacher?" oh and "I need snack. I didn't get snack." Then there's why so-and-so didn't bring home a field trip permission form (yeah, I made the mistake of taking a phone call today while the receptionist was busy talking to another parent...I got screamed at), the kids expect my office to be a locker for things that they didn't bring in a bag, I manage all of our social media, write press releases, today I was made to join the Utah Dept. of Human Services' Quality Improvement Committee...in which everything was talked about in social work terms...I was constantly looking up abbreviations and definitions. Oh my gosh. I did not know what I was getting myself into as an AmeriCorps VISTA. Yet, I love it. Odd, eh? Basically, if I don't get the Director of Operations position, the person they hire must be INCREDIBLY AWESOME at everything he or she does because hell, I do quite a lot at the club for only making $5.55 an hour on my VISTA living stipend.
I've decided that in my position as a volunteer coordinator, I'm much more than a volunteer coordinator. Because I'm in the front office where parents see me and ask me questions, I'm expected to know and to be able to answer every little question about programming. I'm supposed to know where "Little Johnny" left his backpack, be able to answer, "Where is Sarah?" or "Where's my teacher?" oh and "I need snack. I didn't get snack." Then there's why so-and-so didn't bring home a field trip permission form (yeah, I made the mistake of taking a phone call today while the receptionist was busy talking to another parent...I got screamed at), the kids expect my office to be a locker for things that they didn't bring in a bag, I manage all of our social media, write press releases, today I was made to join the Utah Dept. of Human Services' Quality Improvement Committee...in which everything was talked about in social work terms...I was constantly looking up abbreviations and definitions. Oh my gosh. I did not know what I was getting myself into as an AmeriCorps VISTA. Yet, I love it. Odd, eh? Basically, if I don't get the Director of Operations position, the person they hire must be INCREDIBLY AWESOME at everything he or she does because hell, I do quite a lot at the club for only making $5.55 an hour on my VISTA living stipend.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
done playing games
So, I told off my trainer last week...okay, I didn't really tell him off, but I got sternly defensive. The conversation started with his remark about my bracelets from Victor that I always wear. He muttered something and rolled his eyes. The conversation went something like this:
Me: "What?"
Trainer: "Nothing, I just think you can do so much better"
Me: "It's not about doing better. It's about how I feel. Besides, where's better?"
Trainer: "Well, give it a few more weeks, then you'll have guys calling you" (in regards to weight loss)
Me: slightly pissed off "What? If losing weight is what it takes and I have to be 'this big' to get phone calls, I don't want anything to do with it. I want someone who is interested in me, not just the way I look. Victor likes me for me...for how I am already. I don't need to change."
Trainer: "It's all about how the game is played."
Me: my voice got progressively louder by this point "I don't want games. I'm tired of games"
I'm kinda annoyed (still) but more so, disappointed. I hate that point when I realize that someone is, indeed, just another typical guy. I'm so thankful for Victor. I know it seems odd to say since he's sitting in prison right now, but he's my knight in shining armor. Other than a bad past, he has or is developing, the key characteristics of someone compatible with me. Someone who smothers me with attention (but in a non-clingy way), patience, beyond brilliant intelligence (okay, except for common sense...he lacked some of that in the past), stupidly romantic, poetic, cheesy, positive, charming, and the list could go on. Oh, how I wish he could be here with me right now.
Me: "What?"
Trainer: "Nothing, I just think you can do so much better"
Me: "It's not about doing better. It's about how I feel. Besides, where's better?"
Trainer: "Well, give it a few more weeks, then you'll have guys calling you" (in regards to weight loss)
Me: slightly pissed off "What? If losing weight is what it takes and I have to be 'this big' to get phone calls, I don't want anything to do with it. I want someone who is interested in me, not just the way I look. Victor likes me for me...for how I am already. I don't need to change."
Trainer: "It's all about how the game is played."
Me: my voice got progressively louder by this point "I don't want games. I'm tired of games"
I'm kinda annoyed (still) but more so, disappointed. I hate that point when I realize that someone is, indeed, just another typical guy. I'm so thankful for Victor. I know it seems odd to say since he's sitting in prison right now, but he's my knight in shining armor. Other than a bad past, he has or is developing, the key characteristics of someone compatible with me. Someone who smothers me with attention (but in a non-clingy way), patience, beyond brilliant intelligence (okay, except for common sense...he lacked some of that in the past), stupidly romantic, poetic, cheesy, positive, charming, and the list could go on. Oh, how I wish he could be here with me right now.
Monday, May 30, 2011
teetor tottering
I'm not gonna lie. Part of me hopes they hire someone else so I can use it as an excuse to move back to my safe little comfort zone of Pennsylvania. I miss my family...and having best friends. :/
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Saturday, May 21, 2011
I'm going to stick to running races instead of organizing them. Them past month and a half has been the most stressful time of my life. Oh well, at least I go to run in it. 10k in 1:33, not bad, not bad. Three minutes longer than what I wanted but I'll take it....I did stop to chat for a bit at the water stations.
For the past two weeks, I've been running 4 mile a day. I think today marks increasing my mileage to 6. I'm turning into a real runner. I am, however, feeling the guilt of breaking down and getting pizza last night. Yes, this girl can still down a whole pizza in two days. And I might have had cookies too. There goes all my hard work. Oh well, I'll get back with the program tomorrow. My cheating is over for awhile; I feel disgusting.
On another note, this whole waiting for someone gets harder and harder every day. I don't know if I can do this for a few more years. But at the same time, I dunno if I could ever be with someone else and give 100%....I think I would wonder "What if?" I dunno.
For the past two weeks, I've been running 4 mile a day. I think today marks increasing my mileage to 6. I'm turning into a real runner. I am, however, feeling the guilt of breaking down and getting pizza last night. Yes, this girl can still down a whole pizza in two days. And I might have had cookies too. There goes all my hard work. Oh well, I'll get back with the program tomorrow. My cheating is over for awhile; I feel disgusting.
On another note, this whole waiting for someone gets harder and harder every day. I don't know if I can do this for a few more years. But at the same time, I dunno if I could ever be with someone else and give 100%....I think I would wonder "What if?" I dunno.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Saturday, May 14, 2011
feeling great
Well, in the past 7 days, I have ran 23 miles and lost 5.5 pounds, crazy. I'm not sure what happened, but something just clicked. I've got my diet right and have been trying my hardest to run 4 miles a day. I'm just grateful to finally have control again.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
following your heart vs. the advice of others
I know what my heart wants. My heart has been praying for this since December 2009. Everyone else's opinions are getting in my way. I don't want people to worry about me but hell, I'm tired of everyone making the decision for me.
Ever since Brian and I ended our relationship back in 2007, I've been reminded over and over again that someone better will come along. That someone will sweep me off my feet. That it just wasn't meant to be with Brian. Now, four years later, that the someone is knocking at my door (okay, more like kicking the door down), everyone is opposed to it and worried about me. Yeah, he has a bad past...and a big record. Yes, he's made some stupid decisions with his life but what really matters is how he treats me and how he makes me feel. This kid has never once put any kind of move on me (beyond basic flirting) because he was afraid of crossing my boundaries...he respected me.
It's ironic. A few years ago, Brian had picked me up from school on a Friday night. He worked second shift, got off at midnight and I had the bad habit of staying at his place for the weekend or having him take me home on Saturday. I don't remember what it was about, but we got into some stupid fight so I walked across the street to Hess (I didn't have a car to go anywhere). I heard my name (with a hesitant tone of voice, like is that you?) turned around and there was Victor...the grandson of one of my favorite ladies at the church I grew up in. All those years, I had asked her how he was doing...she'd always tell him that I said hi and asked about him. I wish I had stayed to talk to him longer. But instead, Brian walked in to buy a Mt. Dew a few minutes later; I left with him. Maybe the timing wasn't right yet back then but I really think that something keeps bringing us together in the most random situations. If you would have told me back then that I'd be receiving love letters from this guy, I probably would have laughed in your face but now I am, and it makes me smile.
I know I have the bad habit of trusting people until they do me wrong...and then giving them a second (or third, fourth, and fifth) chance but I need people to trust my gut right now. I know where my heart is. I've been interested in other guys since Brian...have dated a few, but I can never picture myself with them forever. Victor, however, I can. Despite our extreme differences in our past journeys, I can see our different paths colliding and growing.
My fortune at dinner (in the Chicago Midway Airport)the other night said, "Trust him, but still keep your eyes open." I'm going to do what my heart wants to do. Maybe this is why the guys in my life have been so weird and needy...to prepare me for one that is very needy, one in need of a lot of guidance, a lot of love, a lot of expression of emotions, and a lot of support. It just seems normal now. I can almost see God up there smiling in pride rather than pointing his finger and laughing hilariosly at the guys he's put in my life.
My mom taught me to see the good in people, to see their potential and the positive things they have to offer. Granted, on the way to the airport on Sunday, Jim told her that she did a too good of job and that I didn't learn how to avoid the crazies. Victor is still a child of God deserving redemption and forgiveness. While others "wash their hands of him" and see him as a dangerous situatuion, I refuse to give up on him. I will fight for him until he proves me otherwise.
Ever since Brian and I ended our relationship back in 2007, I've been reminded over and over again that someone better will come along. That someone will sweep me off my feet. That it just wasn't meant to be with Brian. Now, four years later, that the someone is knocking at my door (okay, more like kicking the door down), everyone is opposed to it and worried about me. Yeah, he has a bad past...and a big record. Yes, he's made some stupid decisions with his life but what really matters is how he treats me and how he makes me feel. This kid has never once put any kind of move on me (beyond basic flirting) because he was afraid of crossing my boundaries...he respected me.
It's ironic. A few years ago, Brian had picked me up from school on a Friday night. He worked second shift, got off at midnight and I had the bad habit of staying at his place for the weekend or having him take me home on Saturday. I don't remember what it was about, but we got into some stupid fight so I walked across the street to Hess (I didn't have a car to go anywhere). I heard my name (with a hesitant tone of voice, like is that you?) turned around and there was Victor...the grandson of one of my favorite ladies at the church I grew up in. All those years, I had asked her how he was doing...she'd always tell him that I said hi and asked about him. I wish I had stayed to talk to him longer. But instead, Brian walked in to buy a Mt. Dew a few minutes later; I left with him. Maybe the timing wasn't right yet back then but I really think that something keeps bringing us together in the most random situations. If you would have told me back then that I'd be receiving love letters from this guy, I probably would have laughed in your face but now I am, and it makes me smile.
I know I have the bad habit of trusting people until they do me wrong...and then giving them a second (or third, fourth, and fifth) chance but I need people to trust my gut right now. I know where my heart is. I've been interested in other guys since Brian...have dated a few, but I can never picture myself with them forever. Victor, however, I can. Despite our extreme differences in our past journeys, I can see our different paths colliding and growing.
My fortune at dinner (in the Chicago Midway Airport)the other night said, "Trust him, but still keep your eyes open." I'm going to do what my heart wants to do. Maybe this is why the guys in my life have been so weird and needy...to prepare me for one that is very needy, one in need of a lot of guidance, a lot of love, a lot of expression of emotions, and a lot of support. It just seems normal now. I can almost see God up there smiling in pride rather than pointing his finger and laughing hilariosly at the guys he's put in my life.
My mom taught me to see the good in people, to see their potential and the positive things they have to offer. Granted, on the way to the airport on Sunday, Jim told her that she did a too good of job and that I didn't learn how to avoid the crazies. Victor is still a child of God deserving redemption and forgiveness. While others "wash their hands of him" and see him as a dangerous situatuion, I refuse to give up on him. I will fight for him until he proves me otherwise.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
risky emotions
My heart wants one thing but my head is trying super hard to keep it in check. I got another poem the other day; this one is actually good.
Want
I am drawn to you with love like fire,
Each surge of passion to my heart so dire,
You're sugar sweet like the lure of flowers,
Like a peach that I could eat for hours,
Like honey pure so amber true
The purity that flows through you,
the soft velvet brush of loves' desire,
That stirs the drive of love so ire,
I pine to have you to love and hold,
To love with passion into our days of old,
For the girl you are I give my heart guilt free,
And as years pass I pray you'll want this love from me.
His grandma is worried about me; told my mom so. Funny how at Christmastime she was telling me how she wished he would have taken to me. Now that he is, she's not even rooting for us. She won't tell me to my face...I think there's still a glimmer of hope that she wants for her grandson but she doesn't want it at the cost of him hurting me, if that makes sense. Her words to me were, "He's a gamble." I could stick around, fight for him, and things will all work out. Or, he could go right back to his old habits and I'll just be tangled up in the mess.
So, I'm here in Pennsylvania but I'm not going to visit him. It's too soon to face him face-to-face. Maybe come July...maybe by then there will be someone else in my life, and I can simply reply, "We can only be friends."
Want
I am drawn to you with love like fire,
Each surge of passion to my heart so dire,
You're sugar sweet like the lure of flowers,
Like a peach that I could eat for hours,
Like honey pure so amber true
The purity that flows through you,
the soft velvet brush of loves' desire,
That stirs the drive of love so ire,
I pine to have you to love and hold,
To love with passion into our days of old,
For the girl you are I give my heart guilt free,
And as years pass I pray you'll want this love from me.
His grandma is worried about me; told my mom so. Funny how at Christmastime she was telling me how she wished he would have taken to me. Now that he is, she's not even rooting for us. She won't tell me to my face...I think there's still a glimmer of hope that she wants for her grandson but she doesn't want it at the cost of him hurting me, if that makes sense. Her words to me were, "He's a gamble." I could stick around, fight for him, and things will all work out. Or, he could go right back to his old habits and I'll just be tangled up in the mess.
So, I'm here in Pennsylvania but I'm not going to visit him. It's too soon to face him face-to-face. Maybe come July...maybe by then there will be someone else in my life, and I can simply reply, "We can only be friends."
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
a poem entitled "Malinda"
I'm such a sucker for romantic words. This thing is so cheesey but it made me smile. I had to share with my few close followers.
The purest angel with skin all so fair
Which I touch as she smiles so softly to me
As I run my fingers through her delicate red hair
I look into her eyes and there is a passion I see
A passion so real and straight from the heart
So strong that I feel this most passionate art
As it draws me to her liek an addiction to love
This new feeling so strong that I've never heard of
That I yearn for so strongly and want to treat well
And to keep I would die for and fight my way back from hell
Not a single thing I would not do or go through
And this sweet loving angel is none other than you.
The purest angel with skin all so fair
Which I touch as she smiles so softly to me
As I run my fingers through her delicate red hair
I look into her eyes and there is a passion I see
A passion so real and straight from the heart
So strong that I feel this most passionate art
As it draws me to her liek an addiction to love
This new feeling so strong that I've never heard of
That I yearn for so strongly and want to treat well
And to keep I would die for and fight my way back from hell
Not a single thing I would not do or go through
And this sweet loving angel is none other than you.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
more words
Various excerpts from 20some pages of thoughts. I have a lot to process. I think some prayer, fasting, blessings, and temple trips are in order to figure this one out.
"It really gets to me when I look back and think about how, at least in this case, I should have dropped everything to be with you; because if I had, I would have never got into a situation like this. This is that "being too honest." I wasn't into pills or anything like that, but sure enough, within the first week of seeing (insert female name here), she pulled me right back into all that. She was the girl I loved the most at the time...I doubt that it would be a healthy relationship to pursue though. I don't want to be that person. I want to have a life that has more substance and meaning. Again, Malinda, I'm sorry. :( I feel guilt over my belief that I've hurt you. I do believe I've hurt you...You had said about others telling you to not bother writing to me, and I would tell you the same thing if I were someone else too. So, I have nothing to lose by telling you that I love you, and if I were to never hear from you again at least I had the chance to say it, and did. The fact that you even wrote says a lot. I would be very lucky if I were with a girl like you. By now though, I think it may be safe to say I don't have that chance anymore. After all I've done, I'm assuming I would be correct to say that having more than a friendship with me would be out of the question. I feel lucky enough to have your friendship, very lucky...."
"So I wanted to throw something out there. It is my choice to write to you...but, I am not here to place my value system onto you. Meaning, please don't, in any way, let me hold you back from living your life to the fullest. You are not obligated to do anything for me...If you find a guy that makes you happy, go for it. You already known what I wish I had done; though, yet again, don't let me hold you back. However, if you would decide that into the future, you'd like to be with me, I'll be yours--and more power to you. I don't expect that, but I wanted to say it."
"I look forward to better times. You are one of the best people I know, and you really are a priority to me over any of the others. I wish that there could have been a better way for me to see how much I really need you, rather than being pulled further away from you to finally see that I want to be with you. I really used to feel like I would have been in your way, slowing down your success in life. I also believed that we were just simply worlds apart. Yet, now there are many things I don't want to be a part of at all anymore. Rather than constantly trying to run from something, I want to now run to something much better...and here I am, faced with having to start all over again."
"I really do have absolutely nothing to lose at this point to tell you that I love you, and that you are an angel in every way. I love you so much, but I can't see myself doing much more than holding back your success...." "....you have the grace of God in your heart, Malinda, and I have never in my life had any one single person be there for me like you have. The sweetest peach in the grove has been right in my hands' reach, but I was taking it for granted because I had nothing to prove it to be sure. Now it is amazingly painful to be at this point in my life along with the circumstances as they are to now see plain as day that, if I could be with a girl like you I would sacrifice everything and anything without any hesitation."
"When I say I need you, I mean I want you, will you please be with me, will you be my companion, will you be my partner, will you be my lover. At first I was the one in disbelief that you were still there for me Malinda. You are though, and after what I've shared with you, I hope you understand that I will commit my life to you. If you commit with me, it's still you're choice, but I'm praying that you will. I'm really, honestly sorry that I made you cry....I will never choose drugs over you. Never, never, never. I know how that feels. So, I will definitely keep that a thing of the past. I have made terrible choices. I want to just live peacefully and find the fulfilment just like you...."
"It really gets to me when I look back and think about how, at least in this case, I should have dropped everything to be with you; because if I had, I would have never got into a situation like this. This is that "being too honest." I wasn't into pills or anything like that, but sure enough, within the first week of seeing (insert female name here), she pulled me right back into all that. She was the girl I loved the most at the time...I doubt that it would be a healthy relationship to pursue though. I don't want to be that person. I want to have a life that has more substance and meaning. Again, Malinda, I'm sorry. :( I feel guilt over my belief that I've hurt you. I do believe I've hurt you...You had said about others telling you to not bother writing to me, and I would tell you the same thing if I were someone else too. So, I have nothing to lose by telling you that I love you, and if I were to never hear from you again at least I had the chance to say it, and did. The fact that you even wrote says a lot. I would be very lucky if I were with a girl like you. By now though, I think it may be safe to say I don't have that chance anymore. After all I've done, I'm assuming I would be correct to say that having more than a friendship with me would be out of the question. I feel lucky enough to have your friendship, very lucky...."
"So I wanted to throw something out there. It is my choice to write to you...but, I am not here to place my value system onto you. Meaning, please don't, in any way, let me hold you back from living your life to the fullest. You are not obligated to do anything for me...If you find a guy that makes you happy, go for it. You already known what I wish I had done; though, yet again, don't let me hold you back. However, if you would decide that into the future, you'd like to be with me, I'll be yours--and more power to you. I don't expect that, but I wanted to say it."
"I look forward to better times. You are one of the best people I know, and you really are a priority to me over any of the others. I wish that there could have been a better way for me to see how much I really need you, rather than being pulled further away from you to finally see that I want to be with you. I really used to feel like I would have been in your way, slowing down your success in life. I also believed that we were just simply worlds apart. Yet, now there are many things I don't want to be a part of at all anymore. Rather than constantly trying to run from something, I want to now run to something much better...and here I am, faced with having to start all over again."
"I really do have absolutely nothing to lose at this point to tell you that I love you, and that you are an angel in every way. I love you so much, but I can't see myself doing much more than holding back your success...." "....you have the grace of God in your heart, Malinda, and I have never in my life had any one single person be there for me like you have. The sweetest peach in the grove has been right in my hands' reach, but I was taking it for granted because I had nothing to prove it to be sure. Now it is amazingly painful to be at this point in my life along with the circumstances as they are to now see plain as day that, if I could be with a girl like you I would sacrifice everything and anything without any hesitation."
"When I say I need you, I mean I want you, will you please be with me, will you be my companion, will you be my partner, will you be my lover. At first I was the one in disbelief that you were still there for me Malinda. You are though, and after what I've shared with you, I hope you understand that I will commit my life to you. If you commit with me, it's still you're choice, but I'm praying that you will. I'm really, honestly sorry that I made you cry....I will never choose drugs over you. Never, never, never. I know how that feels. So, I will definitely keep that a thing of the past. I have made terrible choices. I want to just live peacefully and find the fulfilment just like you...."
Monday, March 28, 2011
another three letters
I checked my mail over lunch today. Three separate envelopes from Victor. What an overwhelming and intense set of words. He again apologized for taking me for granted in the past, acknowledged that if he had given more attention to me instead of dating his ex who pulled him back into drugs, that he would be a much better spot. Then, he said those three crazy words, "I love you." (Huge sigh)
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Saturday, March 19, 2011
my bike
I came home from Target tonight with a bike. I figure after 3 months of riding it to work, it will pay for itself. Saving money on gas while getting exercise at the same time = fantastic. I hope it's nice on Monday. I think I'll ride it to work then. I just pray that I don't get hit by a car in the process. That's my biggest fear.
Anyway, buying a new bike makes me think of this song by Ghoti Hook. I hope I can find it to listen to it:
There's just one thing that I love more than anything
I hold it so near to my heart.
It has just one gear and a pair of blue traning wheels,
A headlight to see int eh dark.
I like my bike. It's not liek other bikes. I like my bike.
It's not like other bikes.
It has pinwheels and a purple banana seat,
Loud cards in the spokes as they bend,
It has a big horn that I honk when you're in my way,
So I don't run over my friends.
I like my bike. It's not like other bikes.
And that's just a taste of the cheesey bike song. :p
Anyway, buying a new bike makes me think of this song by Ghoti Hook. I hope I can find it to listen to it:
There's just one thing that I love more than anything
I hold it so near to my heart.
It has just one gear and a pair of blue traning wheels,
A headlight to see int eh dark.
I like my bike. It's not liek other bikes. I like my bike.
It's not like other bikes.
It has pinwheels and a purple banana seat,
Loud cards in the spokes as they bend,
It has a big horn that I honk when you're in my way,
So I don't run over my friends.
I like my bike. It's not like other bikes.
And that's just a taste of the cheesey bike song. :p
Friday, March 18, 2011
excerpts from the heart of a boy I still love
"So Malinda, please allow me to say that I am very, very sorry. The friendship that you have offered to me since day one has been nothing less than unconditional. I have simply just returned that favor with complete disregard and can't even begin to tell you how much of an ass I am. No need to even explain that part because you already know. What I did was wrong. There is barely a man on earth even worthy of your friendship, because it is plain as day that you are so genuine. What I'm saying is, I doubt there is another that could match your quality as a person. You have a pure heart. A few months ago, I would have said I have no regrets; but now, I've realized that I have an overwhelming number of regrets. I could only hope that now I may have the privilege to get to really know you more as a person. The person you are and the qualities that make you Malinda....."
"Well, it's always good to be honest, but in a lot of ways being too honest can be...bad. So, how do I build a bridge to overcome brutal honesty to another and maintain it in a way that is no longer bad...that the overall outcome will be good. Now, keep in mind that I am talking about you, and I'm trying my very best to not seen cryptic. As far as I know, you are always completely honest. I've been honest too as far as I can remember, but the point I'm trying to reach is that, despite everything, I really need you. You, specifically...though I realize that I'm in no position to be asking for anything from you, I really do, and I want our friendship to grow. I have a very guilty conscience and I sincerely want to be a better person towards you. It's hit me with some force that I hadn't given you way more attention, and that it took this for me to wake up to that."
Oh geez, not the letter to read in the library. People probably thought I was nuts as the tears rolled down my face. The truth is that I care for him deeply. It's pretty safe to say that I love him. But he's going to spend the next 5 -10 years in prison and who knows if he'll have the ability to keep his act together when he gets out. I want to believe him, but I just...can't. And, I don't want him to devote time to me because he feels guilty. He needs me versus he feels guilty is rather contradicting. I don't know what to do. I'm torn between holding on and moving on.
"Well, it's always good to be honest, but in a lot of ways being too honest can be...bad. So, how do I build a bridge to overcome brutal honesty to another and maintain it in a way that is no longer bad...that the overall outcome will be good. Now, keep in mind that I am talking about you, and I'm trying my very best to not seen cryptic. As far as I know, you are always completely honest. I've been honest too as far as I can remember, but the point I'm trying to reach is that, despite everything, I really need you. You, specifically...though I realize that I'm in no position to be asking for anything from you, I really do, and I want our friendship to grow. I have a very guilty conscience and I sincerely want to be a better person towards you. It's hit me with some force that I hadn't given you way more attention, and that it took this for me to wake up to that."
Oh geez, not the letter to read in the library. People probably thought I was nuts as the tears rolled down my face. The truth is that I care for him deeply. It's pretty safe to say that I love him. But he's going to spend the next 5 -10 years in prison and who knows if he'll have the ability to keep his act together when he gets out. I want to believe him, but I just...can't. And, I don't want him to devote time to me because he feels guilty. He needs me versus he feels guilty is rather contradicting. I don't know what to do. I'm torn between holding on and moving on.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
running goals in writing
- I need to make another attempt at running a straight mile without walking. I've only done this five or six times in my life (all within the past year)
- I want to be able to run a 5k without walking
- I want to finish a marathon in under 6 hours and 30 minutes
- With that being said, I want to finish a half marathon in 3 hours (and 15 minutes at the most)
- Run for Kids 10k in 1 hour 15 minutes. (haha, most people would start with the smaller race times and move up - I started with the larger one and moved down)
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
things I've learned through six months of service
1) Poverty is hard. I'm struggling with just under $900 a month. I can't imagine having a family while living off of that amount.
2) I love kids; I always have but I needed reminded of that.
3) Kids can do some really stupid things.
4) I've done some really stupid (probably event supider) things so it's pretty easy to forgive them.
5) Balancing full-time work with half-time schooling, fitness/wellness, household chores, and a social life is rough.
6) Friday nights are hard. I'm ready for bed by 9PM.
7) I can do anything I put my mind to. It may take me awhile to convince myself that I really can do it, but after I do, there's no stopping me.
8) I have some really great friends in Provo.
9) I have some really great friends in Pennsylvania and other parts of the world as well.
10) People are, uusally, very generous.
11) I need to make time to take care of myself or all balance will be lost.
12) I'm old now; I can't live off of 5 hours of sleep anymore. I get cranky.
13) You can get kids to do anything for candy.
14) Adults are still like kids in many ways - wanting instant gratification rather than waiting patiently for the better prize in the long run. Why save our money/points for an mp3 player when we can get 2 packs of markers now?
15) I'm going to be okay in the real world; I'm actually very marketable.
16) I am so not a gold person (organized, timely, lists) but I know how to use this fact to my advantage (i.e. I'm super flexible and won't stress out when something changes last minute; I can delegate tasks and I won't hesitate to do so)
17) Quite often, your health is worth sacrificing your social life.
18) It's true, not going to church and not studying the Word of God can lead to spiritual stagnation or spiritual death.
19) I write too much.
20) A list of 20 things is probably too long for you to read all 20. Bravo if you did.
21) Not all guys stop talking to you after you express interest that is not returned. Only dumb ones that aren't worth your time to begin with do that.
2) I love kids; I always have but I needed reminded of that.
3) Kids can do some really stupid things.
4) I've done some really stupid (probably event supider) things so it's pretty easy to forgive them.
5) Balancing full-time work with half-time schooling, fitness/wellness, household chores, and a social life is rough.
6) Friday nights are hard. I'm ready for bed by 9PM.
7) I can do anything I put my mind to. It may take me awhile to convince myself that I really can do it, but after I do, there's no stopping me.
8) I have some really great friends in Provo.
9) I have some really great friends in Pennsylvania and other parts of the world as well.
10) People are, uusally, very generous.
11) I need to make time to take care of myself or all balance will be lost.
12) I'm old now; I can't live off of 5 hours of sleep anymore. I get cranky.
13) You can get kids to do anything for candy.
14) Adults are still like kids in many ways - wanting instant gratification rather than waiting patiently for the better prize in the long run. Why save our money/points for an mp3 player when we can get 2 packs of markers now?
15) I'm going to be okay in the real world; I'm actually very marketable.
16) I am so not a gold person (organized, timely, lists) but I know how to use this fact to my advantage (i.e. I'm super flexible and won't stress out when something changes last minute; I can delegate tasks and I won't hesitate to do so)
17) Quite often, your health is worth sacrificing your social life.
18) It's true, not going to church and not studying the Word of God can lead to spiritual stagnation or spiritual death.
19) I write too much.
20) A list of 20 things is probably too long for you to read all 20. Bravo if you did.
21) Not all guys stop talking to you after you express interest that is not returned. Only dumb ones that aren't worth your time to begin with do that.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
A Disciple's Journey
So, I'm amidst some spring cleaning/getting rid of stuff because I have too much of it, I stumbled upon an article entitled "A Disciple's Journey" by Elder Bruce. C. Hafen in an issue of BYU Magazine. It's a the Summer 2008 edition. (Don't judge me because I still had it nearly 3 years later - I used to make collages a lot). I'm pretty sure I held onto it because I wanted to read this article but just never got around to it.
I made myself read it today before it goes to the Boys & Girls Club to be used in their art projects. There was one paragraph that really stood out ot me.
"Satan may rattle us, but he cannot overcome us, for God can cast him from our presence. Lehi said 'It must needs be, that there is an oppostion in all things' (2 Nephi 2:11). So wherever you are on your journey, there will always be a reason not to go on. Don't wait until all obstacles disappear. The purely rational mind will always find a good reason to hold back, for Satan places those obstacles in our path. But opposition can strengthen us. The skills of human growth are best learned slowly agaisnt difficulty." (p. 29).
The applicaiton of this paragraph extends beyond the spirtual. One can apply this to weight-loss, school, marathon training.... It's just true. Don't wait until the obstacles are gone to move on. Ovecome the obstacles to become stronger for the bigger obstacles down the road.
I made myself read it today before it goes to the Boys & Girls Club to be used in their art projects. There was one paragraph that really stood out ot me.
"Satan may rattle us, but he cannot overcome us, for God can cast him from our presence. Lehi said 'It must needs be, that there is an oppostion in all things' (2 Nephi 2:11). So wherever you are on your journey, there will always be a reason not to go on. Don't wait until all obstacles disappear. The purely rational mind will always find a good reason to hold back, for Satan places those obstacles in our path. But opposition can strengthen us. The skills of human growth are best learned slowly agaisnt difficulty." (p. 29).
The applicaiton of this paragraph extends beyond the spirtual. One can apply this to weight-loss, school, marathon training.... It's just true. Don't wait until the obstacles are gone to move on. Ovecome the obstacles to become stronger for the bigger obstacles down the road.
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