good, bad, good

I had the perfect Sunday afternoon. After being put into tears and being frustrated that someone of authority asked to talk with me, asked for my thoughts on something, and then cut me off mid sentence before deciding to tell me himself what I thought (dear people reading, please don't put words into others' mouths and decide not to listen to what the other person really has to say), then being told that falling in love and getting married is what I need, I just got into my car and drove. I ended up in Park City. It was nice. I walked up and down Main Street, did some window shopping, and decided to buy ice cream before I left, which I proceeded to spill all down my shirt and get all over my face (which I only found out after I had already talked to a Park Ranger...with chocolate ice cream all over my face, lol). I then proceeded to stop at the Deer Creek State Park Beach Area and finished reading the first Harry Potter book.

I wish I could vent more about what happened this morning but I think I need to keep the details to myself. I realize that he "feels prompted" to help but completely misreading the situation and misreading how I feel isn't helping. If he listened, he'd realize that I'm getting answers that are the exact opposite of what his are. However, he doesn't listen. And this is on top of the last meeting I had with him where I finally confided something that I've avoided talking about. He responded in the same way as so many other ignorant people do...in the same way as the classmate who said that girls who don't dress modestly are asking to be raped. When a girl says no, she means no, no matter what might have happened before regardless of whether before was a few weeks or a few seconds ago. (see key reminders and recovery obstacles here). I just can't be around the naivety and ignorance anymore. If I'm going to talk to someone, it's going to be someone who's trained in counseling rather than someone who's doing more harm than good.

On a more positive note, I got my TNT jersey yesterday morning. It was just the motivation I needed. I fly to San Diego Friday morning, and by Sunday afternoon, I will be a marathon finisher. :) I'm kinda nervous, but I've trained (and I finished my 20 miler run) so I know that I will finish.

stress turned to peace

I've spent the past few weeks stressing over money, and in particularly fundraising for this marathon. I've had some frustrations with planned fundraisers not working out like I thought they would, and last week I was still a good $1000 from my minimum requirement. After a couple more pleas on Facebook, I am closer but still several hundred dollars away. I've realized that unless some miracle occurs in the next week (which I often pray to God that it will) and that I'm somehow able to collect $500 from door-to-door soliciting, at least a $500 charge (not including the $250 I've already paid for my flight) will be put on my credit card if I don't meet that $2,900 minimum. At first, I cried. I cried like it was the end of the world and that I would end up living on the streets. Then today, as I watched last week's episode of the Biggest Loser on Hulu, I had a change of heart. Last week's episode was Makeover Week. The last 6 contestants get new clothes, new hair, and it's when you really see the difference between when they arrived and now. It's more than just a physical change. You can see their emotional and mental changes as well. As I thought about that today, I thought about the change I've seen in myself through this challenge of running a marathon while raising money for cancer research. I ran/walked 18 miles last weekend. How many people, let alone individuals who are 40 pounds overweight, can say that? I can't put a price tag on the confidence I've gained through this opportunity. Each week, I continue to do things that I never thought I would be able to do. Today, I was sprinting at a 6.7 on the treadmill when I usually just jog between 4.7 and 5.3. I'm sure I'll push myself and run some 7.5/8.0 sprints next week. Between my weight training sessions with Brian and Andre and all of this marathon training, I've grown so much (well, actually I've shrunk) and I feel good. $500 isn't the end of the world. Yes, it adds to my pile of student debt but it will get paid off. In reality, $500 is a small price to pay for everything I've gained. And it all goes to a good cause. :)

anti-consumerism

I hate consumerism, I really do. I think that's been a huge part of my struggle while trying to adjust from my small-town life and inner-city Philadelphia experiences in Pennsylvania as well as my time in a developing country to Provo/Orem, Utah. The brand names, the gigantic houses, the fancy cars...it's just not me. I started to fall into the trap for awhile. At one time, I was even considering buying a pair of jeans at Buckle. But no, it's not going to happen. I cannot justify spending a large sum of money on a piece of clothing when others don't even have shoes to wear.

I've been thinking a lot about poverty. My financial situation isn't so hot now that my research assistantship contract has ended and I can't find a decent job in Provo/Orem. Some have suggested that I try to get some government assistance but I struggle doing that knowing that there are many others who need that assistance more than I do. And I use the funds, it's not available for others. I should have budgeted better. Luckily, I had enough money saved for May and June's rent. I just don't see myself asking for help when I still have all of this stuff in my room. I guess I could sell the Best Buy gift cards I've been hording as my dad keeps giving them to me for my birthday and at Christmas. I kept saving them so that I could one day buy something I really want. But shouldn't I use them as financial resources before going to the government for aid. Maybe that's what makes me different. I don't look for the easy cop out. I'm always trying to figure out how to do it on my own. Anyway, back to my thoughts on poverty and the many commandments to help those who are in poverty, both spiritual and physical poverty. There are many days I look around my room and just ask myself why I have so much stuff. I don't need it. It's not essential. Why did I spend money on that instead of putting it to good use? That $10 necklace could have gone toward a micro-loan and could have helped someone open their own jewelry-making business in South America.

I've always wanted to help people. I've always wanted to serve and be involved in missions; so why in the world did I spend the last two years of my life getting a Master's degree at Brigham Young University? I hate to say it, but I think I took the easy way out rather than following what God was really telling me to do. I got scared of the Peace Corps and moved to Utah instead. I've been avoiding a big call in my life. And when one isn't doing what he or she is really supposed to be doing, there is uneasiness, restlessness, and just downright times of depression. So, I'm fixing this, somehow. I will find some way to serve others, and in more than just good customer service at a store or by happily always taking out the trash.

I'm pledging, over the next few months, to start selling and giving away a lot of the pointless things I've accumulated over the last several years. If I'm going to be serious about a life of service, I won't need this stuff anyway.


"But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys, and where thieves do not break in or steal" ~ Matthew 6:20

"Sell your possessions and give to charity; make yourselves money belts which do not wear out, an unfailing treasure in heaven, where no thief comes near nor moth destroys." Luke 12:33

How can I love someone else when I still love him?