summer plans

Well, yesterday I had my first meeting with the Utah County Domestic Violence Coalition. I was thrown right into assignments. Tonight, I have a flier to tackle and a Facebook event to set up (no biggie). Then, I went to a job interview at Lane Bryant. It was an interesting process. I was offered a position, so at least I have some form of paycheck coming in this summer but who knows how many hours I will get each week. I can't survive if it's any less than 15. I admit, I cried myself to sleep last night. Don't get me wrong, I looooove working at Lane Bryant, otherwise it wouldn't have been more first store to put in an application at, but before it's always been my second job on top of already working 40 hours a week. It was always my fun money. Now, I'm relying on it for income. I need to find another job. Then, I thought about the fact that I'm a thesis away from holding a master's degree in my hand and now I'm working at the mall. That, my friends, is what put me into tears. I'm taking a $10 an hour pay drop because my two year contract with BYU Grad Studies is up. I just don't know how I'm going to make it financially. But, the best I can do is volunteer at the Women's and Children's Shelter, do my work for the UCDVC, get my thesis done, continue training for this marathon, and work my butt off at whatever hours I'm given and prove that I can handle more. Gosh, I miss my 60 hours a week work schedule.

good news :)

good news

spiritual insights on friendship

I'm not sure if I do this often, but this is one I need to share.

A few weeks back, I talked with my home teachers/friends about the loneliness I had been feeling. I had hit rock bottom. I was emotionally drained which led to being physically fatigued. I was sleeping so much, unable to focus on school, and, like I said in a previous post, I was starting to wonder if grad school/LDS Church was worth it all. If it would be easier to just move back into my parents' house in Perry County and get plugged back into my old UMC church with my lifelong friends. I don't really remember a whole lot about what we talked about, other than the idea of putting my contract up for sale and moving elsewhere, but I do remember something that came out in the prayer and that was to asking to "help Malinda recognize the friends that she has." Then, I met with the bishop the following week. I got the typical printed talk about diminishing and rooting testimonies, and I got frustrated that he thought that just because I'm in a better roommate situation this year automatically made things better. Then, he said something that really hit me, "What are you doing to cultivate the friendships that you want? Who are you inviting to the movies?" It's been on my mind a lot. I guess I kinda got defensive automatically and said that I've tried (which I have in a way but not as much as I should have). But I've been thinking about it so much lately and really trying to take action on that. I've been visiting people instead of waiting for them to visit me. I've been asking people what they're doing, and sometimes inviting myself along. I've really changed my attitude about things. I hope it stays this way for awhile. I know that if I do decide to live in Utah in the fall, I will move elsewhere. It's time to given another ward a shot. But for now, I'm going to make the best of it and hopefully develop a couple lifelong friendships.

With that said, I've also thought a lot about the friends I do already have (answered prayer to Jared's request - I think so). I have two awesome roommates, and, when we're not all stressed out, we have a blast together, or at least I think we do. I've had the opportunity to initiate friendships with a few people and allow friendships from last year to blossom, while maintaining the friendships with people back home. I need to be thankful for those have been placed in my life. I need to stop worrying about trying to get in with the core group of the ward. Yes, I'll do things with them, and have fun when I do spend time with them, but I've realized that, for the most part, I'll just have to do my own thing. After four semesters, I'm finally OK with that.

In other news, I was just video chatting with my friend Andres. I met him at Church in Ecuador. We went out a few times, and he is quite the excellent dancer, but those are just side notes. He moved to Chile shortly after I left Ecuador. He was telling about living through the earthquake there in Santiago. How he thought his life was over, how scared he was, how much time he spent praying. I completely forgot that he was living in Santiago or I would have been in touch with him earlier. Yeah, terrible friend, I know.

Well, with that said, it is my bed time.

Guess who's back, back again

Malinda's back, tell your friends.

Seriously, I decided to put some of the bigger issues aside and just have fun. If I spend all of my time worrying about whether I'm where I'm supposed to be, I'm never going to know because I'll spend too much time worrying and not enough time having fun.

At about 10:45PM tonight, I stopped working on the research for my paper for a bit and went to the grocery store with Katie. As we were walking through the parking lot to her car I put my arm up in victory because "Procrastinating Malinda is baaaack" And it's the good procrastinating...for social reasons, not the bad I was just on Facebook or watching TV for a few hours procrastinating.

And, while I took a short (ok, really long) break from writing this blog, Katie visited with some stuffed mushrooms she made tonight and we procrastinated by chatting even more.

I'm still not sure what to do in the fall, but I'll figure that one out as more time passes. I feel like I should give Provo another shot and really put my best effort into making new friends and enhancing current friendships. This semester really wore me out.

Now on to the decision of whether I stay up for a few more hours writing my paper or if I should just go to bed.

Song For The Broken by Barlow Girl

Just another song that I'm in love with. These ladies are amazing.

I am the comfortable secure
The definition of this western world, and
I have perfected deceit
Even I believe, I'm above, saving (yeah)
And I'll never, let you see

I am the broken
I am the bruised
I am the poor ones
I have been used

It takes me falling to the ground
To admit to, fully needing you
Then When I'm breathing my last breath
"Come and save me" I will cry to you
'Cause pride has not, let me say

I am the broken
I am the bruised
I am the poor ones
I have been used

(Oh why does it take so much?)
To bring me to my knees,
(Oh why does it take so much?)
Pain for me to see,
(If strength is only found when)
I am on my knees,
(Why is it so hard)
To show that I am weak? Yeah yeah

I am the broken
I am the bruised
I am the poor ones
I have been used.

let your heart be troubled...it's healthy

I feel like a normal person again. Enough said.
Today I:
- Got up early
- Actually went to campus
- Took a test
- Checked out books from the library
- Did research
- Went to the gym to lift and run 4 miles on the treadmill
- Bought two new stuffed Eeyores for my collection (only $10 for both)
- Bought a beautiful new tennis racquet
- Drank a Rockstar
- Ate Chocolate (without feeling guilty about it)
- Goofed off with the roommates
- Now, it's 1am and I'm just starting homework. Malinda is back :D

"Did you know that it is normal and healthy to be depressed occasionally? If you happen to hit a good sorry mood once in a while, relax and enjoy it, it is a good sign that you are normal" Elder Boyd K. Packer, "Let Your Heart Be Troubled" p. 6.