Coincidental Fortune Cookie

I went to visit Victor again on Thursday. I had a bigger chunk of time set aside that day. I was only going to stay for two hours so that I could go home and get some work done. However, we got to talking and next thing I knew, the officers were kicking me out for the expiration of the allotted four hours. I admit that it's hard for me to be letting someone in again and it's been a slow process. I can tell that he sometimes feels frustrated by my standoff behaviors, yet he remains patient and encouraging.

We talked about a lot that day, from the possibility of a future, major disagreements in our lives (that we recognize need resolving before any kind of future can happen), to the topic of my post a few weeks ago about someone telling me that he would need divine intervention to change, to which he responded, "What does she know about the divine intervention that has already happened?" We also talked about my "stalker" and the situation that led up to it. How I prayed that if I weren't supposed to wait for Victor, to put somebody else in my life and to make it pretty obvious because I'm pretty oblivious when guys are interested in me. What he thought of the situation? Am I showing my commitment to seeing this through, am I ignoring promptings from God? I'm just grateful that I'm able to talk to him about these kind of things openly and honestly despite the effect that they can on his future as well.

Anyway, after I left, I caved and went to Panda Express (my favorite place to turn an order into two or three meals over the next week). I opened my fortune cookie later that night: You bring out the best in others. What kind of coincidence is that?

All I Want for Christmas is You

What a beautiful Christmas holiday. The snow started to fall Christmas Eve and stayed long enough to allow us to wake up to our first White Christmas in several years. This year, there were presents piled under the tree. And despite getting everything I wanted (Purple Converses, a new bag, hot curlers, a foot pod for my Garmin Forerunner, and some new clothes), my best Christmas gift was not a present under the tree; it was a big bear hug from my best friend.

On Friday, after a long two weeks of waiting for a visitation list to be approved, I got to visit Victor at SCI Camp Hill. For the first time, we were no longer divided by a piece of glass at DCP. We were not struggling to carry out a conversation over a crappy phone while plugging our other ear to drown out the echoes of everyone else's voices  as they bounced off the institutionally-painted cream-colored brick walls. For the first time in 30 months, we hugged. For the first time in 30 months, we were able to sit side-by-side, he played with my hair, we laughed at the goofy things we each said, and for the last five minutes of the visit, he took my hand, and we just sat quietly. It was known that we were both thinking about the same thing: the long journey we have ahead of us.

Seeing the Good in Others

Growing up, whenever I complained about someone or something, my mother would always mention something positive about the situation or give the person the benefit of the doubt. At the time, it was annoying and frustrating. As years have gone by, I've realized that through that process, she instilled in me the rare character trait of always seeing the good in people. As I reflect, I realize how this trait has helped me to keep my sanity and get along with nearly everyone.

Over the past two years, I've been more sincerely utilizing this trait in my personal life. If you haven't read past posts or don't remember, I've known this boy since middle school. His grandma attends the church I grew up in so he would often come with her. He attended several youth group activities. However, he strayed from the productive citizen route and landed himself in jail at an early age. I would always ask his grandma about him. When he got out and moved to Newport, she gave me his new number but I never called him (I didn't overcome my phone phobia until college). From the timeline, I understand, he ended up back in jail for a few months and then got out and moved in with friends/girlfriend in Marysville. I can remember that night my freshmen year of college. Brian had picked me up after he got off of work (at midnight) from college so that we could spend Saturday together and then go to church before taking me back on Sunday. While I don't remember the details, we got into an argument (probably over the other girls he had been seeing while dating me). I left the apartment but had nowhere to go so I walked across the street to the Hess gas station. I walked in when the guy getting coffee turned around, then said my name. I was in near tears and there was Victor, an old friend ready to sit and talk to me. I often wondered what would have happened with our lives if Brian had walked into the store after only 5 minutes. Would we have exchanged numbers, again? Would we have become better friends and spend time together? Would having new friends keep him from continuously going back to the same people that over and over again got him into trouble? Hindsight isn't any use right now but I can now remember how he treated me that night. How he looked at me and recognized the sadness in my eyes. Now, I can think about the next time I saw him (6 years later), he still remembered that night and how sad I looked.

Victor found me on Facebook during my second year at BYU. When I agreed to get together with him while I was home for Christmas break, I had no intentions of falling for him. I was merely meeting an old friend and providing a positive influence. However, something clicked. He pushed me away, for the reason, that he would later tell me, that he thought I deserved more. Nearly a year later, he called me out of the blue and told me something along the lines that he was afraid that if he didn't tell me how much he cared about me, he'd lose me to someone else. This time, it was my turn to reject him. I had just spent the summer spending hours on the phone with a different guy. I even flew home for a week to surprise my mom on her birthday, as an excuse to see him again. In the end, this guy told me that I wasn't a 5'8'' brunette with blue eyes and not what he's attracted to. Ouch, right? Victor's timing was just off. Had it been a month later, after having time to recover, maybe I would not have rejected him. Maybe, out of fear that I was never going to accept him, he wouldn't have gone back to an ex-girlfriend for companionship. Then, neither of us would be in this situation.

Anyway, back to my main point. After the event that landed him back in jail, I debated whether or not to write to him. According to the newspaper, his crime accusations were the very ones that I had devoted several years of my life to fighting. After a few nights of prayer, I felt that I was to write to him, that it was my chance to be a positive influence in his life. Since then, through letters and visits, I've watched him bloom. That one letter gave him the sense of hope that he needed to start believing in a better future.

As you can imagine, there's been great opposition to the relationship that has developed between us. My mother is probably regretting the seeing the good in people trait that she instilled in me. Many people have been telling me to be careful, that he'll just hurt me in the end, not to trust him, how terrible he is, etc. What surprises me is that the majority of these individuals telling me these things are those who are very involved in their churches. I understand that they care about me and want to look out for me. I know that I do need to be careful and use my head but I also have to question the point of believing in a faith that emphasizes being saved and forgiven from your sins if you don't give others the chance to do so. Telling me that "It will take a divine intervention for him to change"he will never change, in a way, questions the miraculous powers of our God. We all sin, we all have our own faults. We expect forgiveness when we make mistakes, why do we struggle with forgiving others and giving them the necessary tools to move on with their lives?

I found this quotation by Bob Moawad tonight: "You can work miracles by having faith in others, By choosing to think and believe the best about people, you are able to bring out the best in them." I love this quotation. Maybe I'm part of that divine intervention. Maybe my belief in Victor's potential has been enough to encourage him to change for good. I won't know until I give him a chance. Having him become the person that I think he can be is worth the risk of getting hurt.

Eating as a Form of Procrastination

I admit it, I'm an emotional eater. I always have been. I had it under control but after moving back home, the habit sneaked back into my life. Over the past few days, I've realized that I largely eat to procrastinate. I've caught myself thinking, "My eyes hurt from staring that computer screen. Take a walk to the fridge for a break. The paper will be here when you get back." I fought so hard to have exercise be my form of procrastination. I'm not sure how or why it's suddenly eating. I do know, however, that very soon, school will be done and I will not feel as much of a need to procrastinate. I'm looking forward to getting my nutrition and cardio back on track.

1990s boybands bliss

Spice Girls World Tour t-shirt from 1998

 I had one of the  most epic weeks of my life. It started with driving cross-country. It included driving through the craziest storm of my life. Then, I went to the beach with my family (literally allowing me to drive coast-to-coast in less than two weeks) for a day. After the Spice Girls performed at the Olympics Closing Ceremonies, I decided to flashback to 1998 by wearing this little number on the left

New Kids on the Block tour tee from the 1980s

I got up early Friday morning and drove back to PA to get ready for  the MixTape Music Festival in Hershey. It was amaaaazing. Friday night was good. It rained, a lot. But we sat it out to have good seats for Kelly Clarkson (who Lindsey has been wanting to see in concert for a loooong time). I wore a New Kids on the Block tour t-shirt that I had held onto. I'm pretty sure my cousin had given it to me ages ago. At that time, I wish I had kept the other one I used to have. Pretty sure I used it as a PJ shirt when I was little. Aaron Carter opened on Friday. I was all excited to see him again but then he only sang three songs. There were some other bands before The Fray, New Kids on the Block, and Kelly Clarkson. Like I said, it was good but Saturday is what I had been waiting for.

Brian! 

First, Brian Littrell (from BSB) was signing autographs at his wife's boutique booth. I won't even start on how awesome I think that is. He's smart though and waited until after the doors opened and bands had started to play. Not as many people to attack him. When he said, he'd be there, I thought he'd just be in the background, behind a table, or something where people could see him, talk to him, etc. but never did I imagine him walking around and signing things for everyone. It was so cool. I got him to sign my ticket stub and my newly purchased BSB shirt. He looked at me in the eyes when he said something to me while giving my shirt back and (this is cheesey) I felt like I had known him for years. It's weird how someone you had never even met can play such a huge role in your life.

Holding my new (and signed) BSB tee while wearing one of my old ones

While I was getting Brian's autograph, I missed The Ready Set and The Wanted. Heard Carly Rae Jepsen. Half listened to LL Cool J while I worked to figure out my brother's camera. I was impressed that I could see his biceps in my pictures. Then, the moment came...98 degrees reunion concert! I swear I had seen Nick walking around but I wasn't positive and I wasn't a big enough fan to bother him. Their concert was good though. They sang all the classics, sang happy birthday to Nick and Drew's mom (after pulling her out from backstage). I bet she's one proud mother.

NKOTBSB was just as good as in Vegas. New Kids pulled The Wanted up to sing their hit song "I'm Glad You Came." Then later, while New Kids and BSB were talking on stage, they pulled out 98 degrees to give them another thanks. I thought my heart was going to stop. As a teenage girl, my dream was always to have BSB, 98 degrees, and 'NSYNC on one stage. This was close enough. So many memories.

I found the ticket stub from my first BSB concert in 1998. That's when I realized that the t-shirts I've been wearing all weekend are just as old (if not older) than I was when I bought them. Crazy. I can't find my Hanson or 'NSYNC t-shirts though. I must have gotten rid of them. :(

First BSB concert in 1998 

Treasuring the friends who understand what I need

Someday, I'll expound on my thoughts but for now, I just want to say how much I treasure those friends who have exhibited patience and taken a large amount of time to understand more about me. Lately, I've been feeling stressed by my environment...the push to always be with people and doing something. I'm grateful for the friends who understand that after a long day, going out with a large group or to a loud place is added stress on me. I either need alone time or a small group situation to recharge. I need my gym time. I need to take care of me.

overwhelmed with social media

I'm a mass communications major and I can't keep up with all of these social media networks. How does the average American not feel overwhelmed? I really want to give it all up but I can't because it's supposed to be my job! So, I shall continue to try to master the art of Twitter, Pinterest, Google+, etc. and ways in which it can enhance and promote businesses and organizations. But after I'm done watching Gossip Girl and finishing the conclusions section of the Master's Project. Soooo ready to be done with this and graduate!

Unanswered prayers

In November, I packed up my car after three wonderful (okay, two of those were wonderful) years in Utah. I left feeling bitter. I was so frustrated that I could not find a job/career in that state. I wanted to stay. Even after my last visit, I still wanted to move back. Today, I just came back from another week in Provo and I no longer feel that way. I'm going back for 4 - 5 weeks in July (I defend on July 23!!!) to finish up school and work towards these last 15 lbs that I have to lose. I know that a lot of my feelings from this past week were based on not having a car, thus feeling trapped and dependent on other people, but I realized that I mainly miss the gym (and the people that came with it obviously). Aside from a few friends that set aside time to see me, and some fun adventures to National Parks that I had last summer, it's really not all that wonderful. It's a good thing I was mainly there this week for school because, in reality, I was actually pretty bored.

I've finally realized that I need to dream bigger. As soon as I finish this defense in July, I can really focus on going after my dreams. I've always, in a way, wanted to be a hot shot doing something amazing. (i.e. as rewarding as it can be at times, I do NOT want to be a TSS for the rest of my life). I have experience, I have the education, and holy cow, with the help of Justine and the staff at the Boys & Girls Clubs of Utah County, I won the club a new van from Toyota. How many people can say that? The world is at my finger tips.

I often just want to pack up and pick a city. Unfortunately, student debt keeps me from starting afresh without a secured income. Until then, I will keep applying for jobs in new places.

In summary, I'm grateful for that unanswered prayer that caused me to move back home in November. If not, I might have been stuck in Utah County for the rest of my life.

two weeks

I gave my two weeks (well, three weeks in this case) to my weekend job because I'm going to UTAH for a big chunk of the summer.

I might see if they'll take me back next Christmas but I don't think I want to give up every Friday, Saturday and Sunday of my life for awhile.

I'm defending my thesis in July (finally!) and after that...oh, I pray that things work out career wise. While I am blessed to have my current job as a TSS, I really don't want to do it full-time nor for the rest of my life. It feels good to see improvement in my client but I'm rather bored. I want to use the skills I gained over the past 7 years of my life. I guess the only thing I can do is keep applying and keep praying.

realizing that you're good at something

I found myself re-reading a paper I wrote back in 2009 for my intercultural communication class. I needed to transfer some of the methods section to my thesis and just started skimming the other 30 pages. When I got to the end, I thought "Wow, I'm a really good writer." It always has been my strong point. I may not be a very good creative writer or very good at writing in my personal blogs but when it comes to making information sound pleasant and flowing, I'm good at it.

I want to write more. I don't want to be a glorified babysitter too much longer. I might be able to last for another school year but I really need to get myself back into the PR field. I want to write press releases dang it!

Things have been pretty crazy and stressful. I had a couple days off because of the Easter/Spring break at the schools. I've been able to use this time productively and get caught up on tasks. Now, I just need to get back on track with my workouts and nutrition. I'm looking into joining the Air Force; I'd like to get in as an Officer of Public Affairs. I, however, would like to drop another 10 pounds before meeting with a recruiter.

Things with Victor continue to go in a positive direction. He's waiting on a bail hearing, attempting to get his bail dropped and to get out, get his job back, get back into the daily grind of "real life" while waiting for his actual trial. I didn't get into visit him this evening because I ended up sleeping for a good four hours (I haven't been feeling well) but last week's visit ended with a question that completely caught me off guard.

Well, I'm not about wasting time on the Internet today. I have some things to get done.

It's hard to admit but I'm in slump: mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically. I've gained 7 lbs in the past three months. I no longer say "No" to items I wouldn't have even considered putting into my body five months ago. I don't like the way I feel but I'm struggling to fix my decisions at home. My experiences at LA Fitness haven't been helping my fitness goals. I build my workout schedule around my training appointments but the last 5 out of 6 times that I've showed up for an appointment, there hasn't been a trainer available or the trainer cancelled an hour or two before my appointment. I'm not getting the accountability and encouragement that I need, the reason I signed up for more training anyway. I know how to work myself out. I don't need someone to just run me through workouts. I need encouragement and a friend in this journey. I don't want to go the opposite direction anymore. I'm tired of making stupid food choices that I only regret later. My pants are too snug, I don't feel good in my clothes anymore. It's just frustrating to go backwards in everything I worked for. I want so bad to be able to move back to Utah for a couple more years in order to finish this journey with a trainer that I know has my best interest in mind, not just money.

I'm frustrated with family members that aren't looking out or my best interest. A particular one that doesn't understand that I don't want to look for jobs just in this area. I'm not happy here. Yeah, things are okay but I don't glow like I did all last year.

I need to find a way to get remotivated. I'm almost two weeks into my 3 - 4 weeks without running, cycling, zumba, lunges, etc. Hopefully, my knee will be healed and I can slowly get back into my old routine. I think that not running makes me cranky.

opinions needed

I have a question for you all and could use some of your opinions. So, a good five or six years ago, I made a two-page scrapbook layout with pictures and captions about my relationship with Brian (We were still dating and talking about marriage when I made this). I have since ripped off a couple of the text blocks but what about the photos? Is it acceptable to keep them in the scrapbook or should I just toss those pages all together? It was my first (and let's be honest, until recently, only) serious relationship. And I did run into Victor again while I was with Brian at the gas station...okay, actually I had left Brian's apartment after an argument and walked across the street to the gas station but still, you get the point. (Funny how those things work).

Any words of advice would be greatly appreciated.

3-2-1

What I've been fighting and resisting for the past two years finally happened. Those three sacred little words slipped off my tongue tonight. I was caught off guard and just let my feelings slip right on out with my "I love you too". Is this a bad thing, of course not! It just means that it's getting serious. I don't throw those three little words around. In fact, I haven't used them with a guy since...about this time in 2007. That's five years of saving those words to use at the right moment with someone truly special. Although I hoped that my first use would not involve saying them into a phone while looking at him with a piece of glass separating us. It is what it is, and I'm now over that big hurdle of figuring out how to verbalize my emotions.

I never expected this to happen. That visit to the halfway house two years ago was simply to see an old friend. Something touched my heart and I fell; I fell hard.

"We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly." - from somewhere on Facebook

And with that, I say goodnight.

Never tell a trainer that the workout was "too easy"

Seriously, I thought I was going to die right there on that gym mat.

Row 500 meters as quickly as possible
20 kettle bell sweeps (35 lbs)
20 clean and press (10 each arm - 20 lbs)
10 burpees (I haaaaate burpees)
20 breakdowns (plank position while continuously switching between resting on forearms and palms)

all as quickly as possible - repeat two times.

Anytime I stopped to wipe the sweat from my face or take a sip of water, I got yelled at to keep moving.

It sounds easy but I was drenched.




The story behind why this happened to me. They had me work with a female trainer early last week (nothing against female trainers...I want to be one). The first exercise was a bicep curl/shoulder press. She handed me a 7.5 dumbbell. I seriously stood there and laughed for a moment before telling her that I would need the 15s. She continued through a workout, which was decent but all stuff that I already do on my own. It wasn't challenging me. I guess the way I talked to the Trainer Director about it, he understood that I thought it was "too easy." That and I referenced to having one of the best trainers before having to move. So, he decided to kill me on Friday to prove a point. Point taken but I liked every moment of it, just sayin'. What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.