I'm absolutely in love with this song by Vota:
Honestly
Can I tell you where I'm at
Honestly
Can I pull the curtain back
Will you run if you see how weak I am
If you don't see the real me
You won't see what mercy's done
If you don't see my weakness
You won't see what love has won
If you don't see the distance from the darkness to the sun
You won't see
Honestly
Honestly
I'm growing sick and tired
Honestly
It hurts too much to hide
Brokeness that's killing us inside
If you don't see the real me
You won't see what mercy's done
If you don't see my weakness
You won't see what love has won
If you don't see the distance from the darkness to the sun
You won't see
Let the light escape from this hole inside my soul
When I start to break then grace begins to flow
Let the light escape from this lonely place inside my soul
Honestly
If you don't see the real me
You won't see what grace's done
If you don't see the weakness
You won't see what love has won
If you don't see the distance from the darkness to the sun
You won't see
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
I made one!!!
One decision made. Several others to go! I'm working with the Utah County Domestic Violence Coalition and the Center for Women and Children in Crisis this summer as a volunteer and to work on research for my thesis project as a participant observer. I'm going to help in the PR/Event Planning/Fundraising department. I'm kinda excited and less overwhelmed about one thing in my life.
Monday, March 29, 2010
indecisiveness at its best
Let's be real, I'm a very indecisive person. It's not because I'm too lazy or don't want to take the time to make a decision. Decision-making seriously stresses me out, especially those big, possible life-altering decisions. They tweak me out. I try all of the methods such as listing all of the pros and cons. Then I tweak out about deciding whether something is a good or bad thing. It's like my life falls into shambles when I have to make a huge decision, and I often start asking others to make them for me. I have several of these really big and possibly life-altering decisions to make. Thus, stress levels are way high right now.
This is what's been on my mind lately
1) School: decisions about graduation - when should I take those last two credits to defend my thesis and graduate.
2) School: my thesis topic - every time I think I've made a decision, someone suggests one that is just as interesting and the painful decision process starts all over again.
3)School/Career: Is Communications/PR really what I want to do with my life? Should I go back to school for an MSW? What kind of job to I want to look for? Where do I want to work, east, west, north, south???
4) Activity: Team in Training marathon recommittment. I currently have $1,500 raised...can I raise the other $1,400 necessary to meet the minimum. I have a week to decide.
5) Living Situation: Do I try to sell my Windsor Park contract for spring/summer and live somewhere else. Will that make my social situation better.
6) Living Situation; If I decide to push graduation off until December, do I stay in Utah in the fall or move back home? If I stay in Utah, where should I live? Windsor Park or somewhere else?
7) Relationships: Do I want to be friends with Donaciano? Do I want anything more with Donaciano? Am I scared of being in another relationship after my latest episode? Will I ever love anyone the same way I loved Brian? Was the lady who spoke at Stake Conference last semester right, did I miss my opportunity to marry because I chose school and career over getting married? Then there's the matter of what type of guy I want to date, which is all based on my last and biggest concern regarding indecisiveness.
8) Religion - The Whammy: Am I happy with the church that I'm in? Am I where I'm supposed to be? Is this Church really worth all of the loneliness I've felt the past few years? Do I really believe? Would I be happier if I just went back to my old life with my friends and family? Do I want to date a Mormon guy? Do I want to get married in the temple? Do I even want to get married? Do I believe in God? Do I believe in the Bible as scripture? Do I believe in the Book of Mormon as scripture? What are the Doctrine and Covenants to me?
This is what's been on my mind lately
1) School: decisions about graduation - when should I take those last two credits to defend my thesis and graduate.
2) School: my thesis topic - every time I think I've made a decision, someone suggests one that is just as interesting and the painful decision process starts all over again.
3)School/Career: Is Communications/PR really what I want to do with my life? Should I go back to school for an MSW? What kind of job to I want to look for? Where do I want to work, east, west, north, south???
4) Activity: Team in Training marathon recommittment. I currently have $1,500 raised...can I raise the other $1,400 necessary to meet the minimum. I have a week to decide.
5) Living Situation: Do I try to sell my Windsor Park contract for spring/summer and live somewhere else. Will that make my social situation better.
6) Living Situation; If I decide to push graduation off until December, do I stay in Utah in the fall or move back home? If I stay in Utah, where should I live? Windsor Park or somewhere else?
7) Relationships: Do I want to be friends with Donaciano? Do I want anything more with Donaciano? Am I scared of being in another relationship after my latest episode? Will I ever love anyone the same way I loved Brian? Was the lady who spoke at Stake Conference last semester right, did I miss my opportunity to marry because I chose school and career over getting married? Then there's the matter of what type of guy I want to date, which is all based on my last and biggest concern regarding indecisiveness.
8) Religion - The Whammy: Am I happy with the church that I'm in? Am I where I'm supposed to be? Is this Church really worth all of the loneliness I've felt the past few years? Do I really believe? Would I be happier if I just went back to my old life with my friends and family? Do I want to date a Mormon guy? Do I want to get married in the temple? Do I even want to get married? Do I believe in God? Do I believe in the Bible as scripture? Do I believe in the Book of Mormon as scripture? What are the Doctrine and Covenants to me?
Friday, March 26, 2010
times of trial
I've had some trying months lately. The whole Donaciano situation did me in. In summary, he became stalkerish and then started using suicidal antics to manipulate me into responding, which I did at first. I finally couldn't take it anymore and gave all of his information to my bishop. He needed intervention, but it couldn't be me. I kinda miss the guy, but I don't miss the stress that he caused in my life.
Allie Speck has been on my mind a lot lately. I continue to pray that I am able to raise the money needed to run in the San Diego Marathon with Team in Training. I can guarantee you that her name will be written on my jersey, along with Julia Swartz, and a few others'. I currently have about $1,600, only another $1,300 to go....It's a lot when you really think about it.
The whole Ramel'o situation has also been on my mind. I regret those few months. I know people warned me and it was my own stupid decision to ignore them. I admit, I just wanted attention. But his horrible words have been haunting me lately. Specifically his "The only thing you have going for you is your fat ass. Otherwise, you're ugly as shit" comment. I know that he was just an ass and that I need to forget what he said, but it still haunts me. I still find it that my attitudes and behaviors are daunted because of his words, especially when it comes to interacting with guys. I know that most guys in Provo aren't like him, but I still have that fear. But I also know that the only way to move beyond those comments is to keep dating. I don't want those horrible comments to affect my self-confidence anymore. Nor do I want that continued feeling regret. I know that I need to let the atonement works its role, for the both of us.
I've also had a lot of faith questions and doubts, which have probably added to my bad attitude toward Provo. It's really hard to go to BYU when you're questioning what you believe. The "we all know this scripture," the "we all think this," and the "we're righteous for doing this" mentality has been getting to me. I just want some true Mormon friends in my life. In fact, I'd go as far as saying I NEED some true Mormon friends in my life in order to make this work.
My mom told me the other day that no matter where I am, I want to be somewhere else, and then reminded me that I take myself wherever I go. It's not that I don't like myself, because I do. Personally, I think that I'm a rather accomplished, well-rounded individual with a big heart. There are just things I need to change, like my ability to make friends quickly instead of taking the entire two years that I spend in one place before developing close friends. This has made me think a lot about my eagerness to move back home. Things are going to be different than when I left. And it really isn't going to be that great. It wasn't last summer.
Just some things for me to think about. Now, off to do some scripture reading and praying. I made some big promises for the next couple of weeks.
Allie Speck has been on my mind a lot lately. I continue to pray that I am able to raise the money needed to run in the San Diego Marathon with Team in Training. I can guarantee you that her name will be written on my jersey, along with Julia Swartz, and a few others'. I currently have about $1,600, only another $1,300 to go....It's a lot when you really think about it.
The whole Ramel'o situation has also been on my mind. I regret those few months. I know people warned me and it was my own stupid decision to ignore them. I admit, I just wanted attention. But his horrible words have been haunting me lately. Specifically his "The only thing you have going for you is your fat ass. Otherwise, you're ugly as shit" comment. I know that he was just an ass and that I need to forget what he said, but it still haunts me. I still find it that my attitudes and behaviors are daunted because of his words, especially when it comes to interacting with guys. I know that most guys in Provo aren't like him, but I still have that fear. But I also know that the only way to move beyond those comments is to keep dating. I don't want those horrible comments to affect my self-confidence anymore. Nor do I want that continued feeling regret. I know that I need to let the atonement works its role, for the both of us.
I've also had a lot of faith questions and doubts, which have probably added to my bad attitude toward Provo. It's really hard to go to BYU when you're questioning what you believe. The "we all know this scripture," the "we all think this," and the "we're righteous for doing this" mentality has been getting to me. I just want some true Mormon friends in my life. In fact, I'd go as far as saying I NEED some true Mormon friends in my life in order to make this work.
My mom told me the other day that no matter where I am, I want to be somewhere else, and then reminded me that I take myself wherever I go. It's not that I don't like myself, because I do. Personally, I think that I'm a rather accomplished, well-rounded individual with a big heart. There are just things I need to change, like my ability to make friends quickly instead of taking the entire two years that I spend in one place before developing close friends. This has made me think a lot about my eagerness to move back home. Things are going to be different than when I left. And it really isn't going to be that great. It wasn't last summer.
Just some things for me to think about. Now, off to do some scripture reading and praying. I made some big promises for the next couple of weeks.
Monday, March 22, 2010
what's changed since February?
It's funny to compare my attitude now to the attitude I had back in February. What's changed?
I think most of it has to do with social ties and the fact that my best friends are back east. I've learned a lot about friendship lately. Who you can call, who will drop anything and everything to make time for you, who you make weekend plans with, and most importantly, who can tell by your gestures that something is wrong - they can see through that fake smile and facade. All of those people are back home (or closer to home than I am now). Yes, I've met some incredible people in Provo, many of have inspired and touched my life in some form or another, but let's be real, I just don't have the friendships that I need here like I do back home. When it comes down to it, I'd rather be back in my po-dunk, PA town with reliable friends, than here in the college-town of Provo where I often feel rather alone.
I think most of it has to do with social ties and the fact that my best friends are back east. I've learned a lot about friendship lately. Who you can call, who will drop anything and everything to make time for you, who you make weekend plans with, and most importantly, who can tell by your gestures that something is wrong - they can see through that fake smile and facade. All of those people are back home (or closer to home than I am now). Yes, I've met some incredible people in Provo, many of have inspired and touched my life in some form or another, but let's be real, I just don't have the friendships that I need here like I do back home. When it comes down to it, I'd rather be back in my po-dunk, PA town with reliable friends, than here in the college-town of Provo where I often feel rather alone.
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