Friday, January 15, 2016

Mid-January and I'm finally at a point where I can reflect on 2015. The year 2015 was filled with life-changing events that took me on an emotional roller coaster ride. I started the year with excitement and preparation to begin a family, only to find out a week later that there was no heartbeat. It led to month of grief, the discovery of who my true friends were and who my fun and do-stuff-together friends were. It followed with the loss of my job position due to the school not renewing the contract with it's agency.

I began to work with a really tough case, a seven year-old who was neglected by his mother and not provided the emotional support that he needed. A boy that threw punches, got in my face to argue with me, and tried to choke his principal by his tie. It was such a stressful few months in my life. The work environment added to my personal emotions caused me stress and affected my relationship to the point where I was affecting Eric's attitude.

December brought on emotions as I watched everyone celebrate "Baby's 1st Christmas," and fought back feelings of anger of losing my baby. I'm still paying the bill for the surgery that finalized the loss of my baby. To add to it, I was informed that my future pregnancies, if I'm able to conceive again, will be considered high-risk due to a bicornuate uterus (a condition that only .5% of American women have. The possibility of more miscarriages is high. According to chekpregnancy.com, "statistics show that 63% of pregnancies where a woman has a bicornuate uterus will result in spontaneous abortion. Those that do not have a spontaneous abortion have a 15% - 25% chance of having a preterm pregnancy."

I ended December by picking up and moving to Maryland with Eric. We have an adorable little place in Timonium. I love the location and the atmosphere. I've started a new job at my agency's Red Lion site - an Autism Program and like it thus far. I don't plan to be there more than a year due to the amount of gas money I spend each week but it's good for now.

As I work to get past January 19, remembering my Angel Baby, I'm excited as to what 2016 will bring me.


Sunday, May 3, 2015

Thinking about Mother's Day

A lot has happened since the last time I wrote in this blog. I could tell you all about my awesome (but underpaid) job, how much fun I had during my random evening adventures in DC, I could write about my frustration and confusion with the events that happened in Baltimore this past week, or I could beam about my wonderful and handsome boyfriend - who I met during my last week on ChristianMingle.com- but I'm sure you've already read all of that on Facebook. Tonight, as it weighs a heavy and rather private, until now, thought on my mind, I want to write about Mother's Day.

Mother's Day, a modern American holiday first celebrated in 1908 when Anna Jarvis held a memorial for her mother who had passed in 1905. It's day to thank our moms for all that they have done for us and the sacrifices they have made to put their families first. When we're small, we make her handmade cards and drawings and, sometimes, our dad's help us purchase something nice for her. As we get older, we begin to treat her to dinner, send store-bought cards, flowers, or pick out fancy gifts from the store. Sometimes, we do this in lieu of spending time with our dear mothers. However, as we get older, we realize that quality time is, and always has been, more important than fancy gifts. We realize that mom won't always be around. She'll share stories about your time together, not the items you bought her.

For many, Mother's Day, just like many other holidays, is a difficult day. Some have never had someone they could call "Mom." Others have lost their moms to illness, accidents, crime, or old age. Some women lost the children who made them mothers, some long to be a mom but have not been able to, and others have lost their children before they ever even get the chance to hold them. It wasn't until today that I realized that I still have a lot of bottled up emotion. You see friends, I fall into this latter category. Mother's Day this year would have marked the start of my third trimester. I would have known my baby's gender by now and she or he would be opening his or her eyes this week.

My biggest goal in life has always been to raise a family (cliche, I know). I waited nearly 29 years before finding the man who perfects me. While many religious traditions would tell us that we are doing it backwards and point out the sin of not being married, we were genuinely excited. Scared out of our minds but excited. Then, in January, the heartbreaking news came - no heart beat. I prayed for a "little miracle," but the next week's ultrasound remained the same. My doctor called to inform me that I had had a missed miscarriage. After three weeks of my body not passing the miscarriage on its own, I started to develop an infection and had to have surgery for what was labeled as a life-threatening spontaneous abortion.

I cried at random times for weeks. During the first two weeks after my surgery, there was literally another pregnancy announcement at the top of my Facebook newsfeed every day. At lunch, a new mom talked continuously about how hard it is to be a mom. I frequently had to excuse myself from the room, thinking about how I'd give anything to have to be up all night if it meant meeting my child. At a training, one person talked about serious pregnancy complications which led three or four other people talking about having their premature babies. I choked back tears again. A few weeks later, one of my student's regular educations teacher's was celebrating finding out that her baby was a boy. Her students made her congratulations cards, she wore a t-shirt with "It's a boy" in big, bold letters. I, jerkily, avoided the topic. Tonight, I cry over how much I'm ready to be a mom. I'm ready to have a my own little family. I cry because when I chose to only reach out to a few friends before I processed everything on my own, many of those chosen friends faded into the distance without even checking in on me. I cry because the one friend who I've tried calling half a dozen times to tell her what has been going on, never even picked up the phone to call me back. I cry because I'm exhausted from always being the one to reach out. Yet, I smile because I have faith and know that there is hope. I smile because I have a friend who came to see me after my surgery, and one who sent me a card, without even knowing what was going on. I smile because I do have a handful of friends who have thought of me. I beam because I have a wonderful and supportive boyfriend. He might not always know what to do or say when I cry. He might not understand the emotional toll that the loss had on me but he loves me and is there for me.

Thursday, November 21, 2013

Can anyone explain?

Quick, someone keep me from losing interest in a really great guy. Why do I always want the attention from the guy who won't give it to me instead of the guy who is practically worshipping the ground that I walk on? I need to fix this quick before I ruin something that has the potential of being really awesome. I mean, the guy offered to attend a funeral with me after only knowing me for three weeks! Rare selfless qualities.

Meanwhile, I'd also like to know why someone who has only written to me about Penn State and the weather in State College thinks we have so much in common and should meet. My heart goes out to these shy guys. I'm shy too so I can relate but I think I've learned to translate my shy nature into quiet confidence. I should have just told him from the very beginning that I don't really care (shhh, don't tell my father or Lindsey) about Penn State football.

Friday, November 1, 2013

My latest (nauseating) experience with ChristianMingle.com

Let's rewind to July when I first opened my ChristianMingle account. I started talking to a couple seemingly nice guys. However, this one guy stuck out. 37, works in school administration overseeing special education contracts, loves outdoor activities and very handsome. It seemed like a good match. So, after a few weeks of talking, I gave it a shot. Granted, he had asked if I was willing to move and had made little comments about what life could be like if we ended up together but I brushed them aside assuming that he wanted to make sure that I was seriously looking for someone and not just having fun. I admit that I was talking to a couple guys and wanted to get to know them before getting involved with anyone but in the end, I was looking for something serious. I had my eye on a guy in Bethesda but he just kinda disappeared when the school semester started.

Anyway, the first date with this guy was good. We went to a bar/grille in York (halfway between Harrisburg and Baltimore) and talked about various things. It was a few weeks before I had time to see him again. I confess that I ignored the red flag of him inviting me to stay a weekend at his place (he does live two hours away). We went mini-golfing. Which again, it was good. We had fun. Then we got ice cream and talked for awhile afterwards.  At one point, as he was saying that he was glad that he came, I caught him staring down my shirt as he said, "I like what I see" and he was saying something like, "I want to hold you in my arms tonight" and asked me if I like them touched? Yeah, I should have gone running then, I know. He kept discreetly trying to put his hands on the sides of my chest when he had his arm around me. I moved it away a couple times to give him the hint and then finally flat out told him that I didn't appreciate the fact that he was trying to get a feel.

Needless to say, I haven't seen him since. I had started to date Jean in Wilkes-barre (that's another story in itself...but it's largely my fault it didn't work out). Mr. Baltimore kept texting me. Since he didn't get the hint, I finally put the reason in a more polite tone and said something like, "I enjoyed spending time with you. I had fun but you deserve someone who is crazy about you and I don't see myself being that person." I thought it was well said. A month goes by and he starts texting me again. I explained that I did enjoy spending time with him but expressed my thoughts on chastity and especially the fact that he barely knew me when he tried to get a feel. I told him we had different values. Sex was important to him and purity was important to me. Another month goes by and he texts me again. I expressed myself again and explained that I wanted a spiritual leader in my life. He said he could be but later says, "Can I ask you very blunt questions?" I told him to go for it.

He proceeded to ask me, "Why are you so opposed to us being intimate if it happens? When was the last time you had sex?" I simply responded that it's about staying on the straight and narrow. His only response was, "You didn't answer my question." When I ignored him, he said, "Are you guilty of having had lots of careless sex that you are now embarrassed by it?" Honestly, I'm pretty much enraged by the guts of this guy and simply said, "No, I'm not." He proceeded to ask when the last time I had sex was and when I ignored him again, he ended it with, "I really thought you ad I were soul mates and that we would get along really well. But I guess I was wrong. I was ready to one day make you my wife!" I was at work when I read this and just laughed at his contradicting statements for like 10 minutes.

Part of my wants to lay into the guy about how, if I believed in soul mates, my soul mate would treat me with more respect and reverence than how he's treating me. However, I know that it is better for me to just ignore him. My only reply was, "I cannot afford to lose my job to have this conversation right now."

I'm just so frustrated with men right now. You didn't want to marry me, you wanted in my pants. I may be a little naive but I'm not a complete idiot.

Sunday, October 13, 2013

Learning to let go

I need to learn how to let go. I'm terrible at it. I was just dating an overall great guy for the past two months. I didn't think we weren't right together so I hesitantly walked away from the relationship. I've been crying over it for the past two weeks. The worst part, my favorite song that had always cheered me up, now makes me cry because he serenaded me with it shortly after meeting.

Needless to say, a lot has changed the last post. I've been tackling a lot of personal items while working to improve the relationship social area of my "wellness triangle." Maybe I'll get better at writing in my blog again.

Sunday, February 17, 2013

Things are good, very good

It's been awhile since I've blogged. Things have been quite excellent. I was promote to full-time status at my job. I started back at the Bon-ton on Black Friday and chose to stay. Overall, I enjoy working there as a second job. It's much better than last year now that I only have my availability has Mondays, Thursdays, and Saturdays instead of Thursday - Sundays. That four days in a row and never having a planned day off was killing me. I confess that I have been spending a majority of my second paycheck at their store. If anyone has any suggestions on how to survive retail jobs without making impulse purchases, I'd be glad to hear them.

Things with Victor have gotten pretty serious. I'm head over heels and as much as the family hates it, it would take a serious violation of my trust to cause me to back down now. He is sincerely one of the sweetest, most caring and perceptive guys I have ever met. I know the circumstances are rough but he's worth waiting a few more years for. I just wish others could see him for what I see him. Someday, they will. One day, they will realize just how perfect he is for me. I get to visit him at least twice, sometimes three - four times, a month. I always leave with a big smile on my face. He just makes me feel so happy.

Saturday, December 29, 2012

Coincidental Fortune Cookie

I went to visit Victor again on Thursday. I had a bigger chunk of time set aside that day. I was only going to stay for two hours so that I could go home and get some work done. However, we got to talking and next thing I knew, the officers were kicking me out for the expiration of the allotted four hours. I admit that it's hard for me to be letting someone in again and it's been a slow process. I can tell that he sometimes feels frustrated by my standoff behaviors, yet he remains patient and encouraging.

We talked about a lot that day, from the possibility of a future, major disagreements in our lives (that we recognize need resolving before any kind of future can happen), to the topic of my post a few weeks ago about someone telling me that he would need divine intervention to change, to which he responded, "What does she know about the divine intervention that has already happened?" We also talked about my "stalker" and the situation that led up to it. How I prayed that if I weren't supposed to wait for Victor, to put somebody else in my life and to make it pretty obvious because I'm pretty oblivious when guys are interested in me. What he thought of the situation? Am I showing my commitment to seeing this through, am I ignoring promptings from God? I'm just grateful that I'm able to talk to him about these kind of things openly and honestly despite the effect that they can on his future as well.

Anyway, after I left, I caved and went to Panda Express (my favorite place to turn an order into two or three meals over the next week). I opened my fortune cookie later that night: You bring out the best in others. What kind of coincidence is that?