So, I told off my trainer last week...okay, I didn't really tell him off, but I got sternly defensive. The conversation started with his remark about my bracelets from Victor that I always wear. He muttered something and rolled his eyes. The conversation went something like this:
Me: "What?"
Trainer: "Nothing, I just think you can do so much better"
Me: "It's not about doing better. It's about how I feel. Besides, where's better?"
Trainer: "Well, give it a few more weeks, then you'll have guys calling you" (in regards to weight loss)
Me: slightly pissed off "What? If losing weight is what it takes and I have to be 'this big' to get phone calls, I don't want anything to do with it. I want someone who is interested in me, not just the way I look. Victor likes me for me...for how I am already. I don't need to change."
Trainer: "It's all about how the game is played."
Me: my voice got progressively louder by this point "I don't want games. I'm tired of games"
I'm kinda annoyed (still) but more so, disappointed. I hate that point when I realize that someone is, indeed, just another typical guy. I'm so thankful for Victor. I know it seems odd to say since he's sitting in prison right now, but he's my knight in shining armor. Other than a bad past, he has or is developing, the key characteristics of someone compatible with me. Someone who smothers me with attention (but in a non-clingy way), patience, beyond brilliant intelligence (okay, except for common sense...he lacked some of that in the past), stupidly romantic, poetic, cheesy, positive, charming, and the list could go on. Oh, how I wish he could be here with me right now.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Monday, May 30, 2011
teetor tottering
I'm not gonna lie. Part of me hopes they hire someone else so I can use it as an excuse to move back to my safe little comfort zone of Pennsylvania. I miss my family...and having best friends. :/
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Saturday, May 21, 2011
I'm going to stick to running races instead of organizing them. Them past month and a half has been the most stressful time of my life. Oh well, at least I go to run in it. 10k in 1:33, not bad, not bad. Three minutes longer than what I wanted but I'll take it....I did stop to chat for a bit at the water stations.
For the past two weeks, I've been running 4 mile a day. I think today marks increasing my mileage to 6. I'm turning into a real runner. I am, however, feeling the guilt of breaking down and getting pizza last night. Yes, this girl can still down a whole pizza in two days. And I might have had cookies too. There goes all my hard work. Oh well, I'll get back with the program tomorrow. My cheating is over for awhile; I feel disgusting.
On another note, this whole waiting for someone gets harder and harder every day. I don't know if I can do this for a few more years. But at the same time, I dunno if I could ever be with someone else and give 100%....I think I would wonder "What if?" I dunno.
For the past two weeks, I've been running 4 mile a day. I think today marks increasing my mileage to 6. I'm turning into a real runner. I am, however, feeling the guilt of breaking down and getting pizza last night. Yes, this girl can still down a whole pizza in two days. And I might have had cookies too. There goes all my hard work. Oh well, I'll get back with the program tomorrow. My cheating is over for awhile; I feel disgusting.
On another note, this whole waiting for someone gets harder and harder every day. I don't know if I can do this for a few more years. But at the same time, I dunno if I could ever be with someone else and give 100%....I think I would wonder "What if?" I dunno.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Saturday, May 14, 2011
feeling great
Well, in the past 7 days, I have ran 23 miles and lost 5.5 pounds, crazy. I'm not sure what happened, but something just clicked. I've got my diet right and have been trying my hardest to run 4 miles a day. I'm just grateful to finally have control again.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
following your heart vs. the advice of others
I know what my heart wants. My heart has been praying for this since December 2009. Everyone else's opinions are getting in my way. I don't want people to worry about me but hell, I'm tired of everyone making the decision for me.
Ever since Brian and I ended our relationship back in 2007, I've been reminded over and over again that someone better will come along. That someone will sweep me off my feet. That it just wasn't meant to be with Brian. Now, four years later, that the someone is knocking at my door (okay, more like kicking the door down), everyone is opposed to it and worried about me. Yeah, he has a bad past...and a big record. Yes, he's made some stupid decisions with his life but what really matters is how he treats me and how he makes me feel. This kid has never once put any kind of move on me (beyond basic flirting) because he was afraid of crossing my boundaries...he respected me.
It's ironic. A few years ago, Brian had picked me up from school on a Friday night. He worked second shift, got off at midnight and I had the bad habit of staying at his place for the weekend or having him take me home on Saturday. I don't remember what it was about, but we got into some stupid fight so I walked across the street to Hess (I didn't have a car to go anywhere). I heard my name (with a hesitant tone of voice, like is that you?) turned around and there was Victor...the grandson of one of my favorite ladies at the church I grew up in. All those years, I had asked her how he was doing...she'd always tell him that I said hi and asked about him. I wish I had stayed to talk to him longer. But instead, Brian walked in to buy a Mt. Dew a few minutes later; I left with him. Maybe the timing wasn't right yet back then but I really think that something keeps bringing us together in the most random situations. If you would have told me back then that I'd be receiving love letters from this guy, I probably would have laughed in your face but now I am, and it makes me smile.
I know I have the bad habit of trusting people until they do me wrong...and then giving them a second (or third, fourth, and fifth) chance but I need people to trust my gut right now. I know where my heart is. I've been interested in other guys since Brian...have dated a few, but I can never picture myself with them forever. Victor, however, I can. Despite our extreme differences in our past journeys, I can see our different paths colliding and growing.
My fortune at dinner (in the Chicago Midway Airport)the other night said, "Trust him, but still keep your eyes open." I'm going to do what my heart wants to do. Maybe this is why the guys in my life have been so weird and needy...to prepare me for one that is very needy, one in need of a lot of guidance, a lot of love, a lot of expression of emotions, and a lot of support. It just seems normal now. I can almost see God up there smiling in pride rather than pointing his finger and laughing hilariosly at the guys he's put in my life.
My mom taught me to see the good in people, to see their potential and the positive things they have to offer. Granted, on the way to the airport on Sunday, Jim told her that she did a too good of job and that I didn't learn how to avoid the crazies. Victor is still a child of God deserving redemption and forgiveness. While others "wash their hands of him" and see him as a dangerous situatuion, I refuse to give up on him. I will fight for him until he proves me otherwise.
Ever since Brian and I ended our relationship back in 2007, I've been reminded over and over again that someone better will come along. That someone will sweep me off my feet. That it just wasn't meant to be with Brian. Now, four years later, that the someone is knocking at my door (okay, more like kicking the door down), everyone is opposed to it and worried about me. Yeah, he has a bad past...and a big record. Yes, he's made some stupid decisions with his life but what really matters is how he treats me and how he makes me feel. This kid has never once put any kind of move on me (beyond basic flirting) because he was afraid of crossing my boundaries...he respected me.
It's ironic. A few years ago, Brian had picked me up from school on a Friday night. He worked second shift, got off at midnight and I had the bad habit of staying at his place for the weekend or having him take me home on Saturday. I don't remember what it was about, but we got into some stupid fight so I walked across the street to Hess (I didn't have a car to go anywhere). I heard my name (with a hesitant tone of voice, like is that you?) turned around and there was Victor...the grandson of one of my favorite ladies at the church I grew up in. All those years, I had asked her how he was doing...she'd always tell him that I said hi and asked about him. I wish I had stayed to talk to him longer. But instead, Brian walked in to buy a Mt. Dew a few minutes later; I left with him. Maybe the timing wasn't right yet back then but I really think that something keeps bringing us together in the most random situations. If you would have told me back then that I'd be receiving love letters from this guy, I probably would have laughed in your face but now I am, and it makes me smile.
I know I have the bad habit of trusting people until they do me wrong...and then giving them a second (or third, fourth, and fifth) chance but I need people to trust my gut right now. I know where my heart is. I've been interested in other guys since Brian...have dated a few, but I can never picture myself with them forever. Victor, however, I can. Despite our extreme differences in our past journeys, I can see our different paths colliding and growing.
My fortune at dinner (in the Chicago Midway Airport)the other night said, "Trust him, but still keep your eyes open." I'm going to do what my heart wants to do. Maybe this is why the guys in my life have been so weird and needy...to prepare me for one that is very needy, one in need of a lot of guidance, a lot of love, a lot of expression of emotions, and a lot of support. It just seems normal now. I can almost see God up there smiling in pride rather than pointing his finger and laughing hilariosly at the guys he's put in my life.
My mom taught me to see the good in people, to see their potential and the positive things they have to offer. Granted, on the way to the airport on Sunday, Jim told her that she did a too good of job and that I didn't learn how to avoid the crazies. Victor is still a child of God deserving redemption and forgiveness. While others "wash their hands of him" and see him as a dangerous situatuion, I refuse to give up on him. I will fight for him until he proves me otherwise.
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