A lot to take in

It's been a big few weeks for me. I apologize if this post is slightly jumbled but it's a representation of my mind lately.


First, there's the job. We're on week three of the ten week summer program. I'm burned out. I can officially say that I am ready to hand the role of volunteer coordinator over to someone in two months time. Two months...that's the guaranteed time that I have left in Utah. Crazy. We're supposed to find out on Friday if the Boys & Girls Clubs of Utah County will be a recipient of AmeriCorps funding. Once that is revealed...then I should know whether or not Dave has decided to keep me around by making me Director of Operations. Second in command, intimidating. In the meantime, I've been applying to everything I can find that's non-profit PR related back home. If I don't get the position at the Club, I certainly won't be sticking around Utah any longer. It's hard being in limbo. I've missed out on several decent jobs because they wanted someone to start within a few weeks of the closing date.


The second item has still been the boy. It's been several weeks since I've written to him. One, I haven't had the energy to write and answer all of his questions and feed him emotions like he wants. And two, God and I have been duking this out. Shortly after I got back from being home for Easter, I made a plea with him to guide me and that if I weren't supposed to commit to him at this time/wait for him to get released that someone (a guy, obviously) would invite me out. Then, I got sick; I get really needy when I'm sick. I found myself thinking that it was ridiculous to be dating someone who is sitting in prison. He can't even be here to take care of me when I need him. Then, someone invited me to dinner. While it was a casual get-together, it still counted towards my little deal with God. Plus, that time I spent with the guy reminded me of how nice it was to have one-on-one time with a guy that I care about, and that I really don't know if I can spend the next several years of my life on just the exchange of letters. I came home that Saturday convinced that I was going to write to him to tell him that I can't do this anymore. That I want to keep writing. That I want to be his friend and support him, but I can't consider myself his girlfriend right now. For some reason, I haven't been able to do it.


Yesterday, during my afternoon run I stopped halfway through to swing in the park. I had been noticing all of the couples walking down the sidewalk hand-in-hand and it made me long to have that special someone again. Then, as I was swinging, still listening to my iPod, this classic Backstreet Boys hit came on:


"Although loneliness has always been a friend of mine
I'm leavin' my life in your hands
People say I'm crazy and that I am blind
Riskin' it all in a glance
And how you've got me blind is still a mystery
I can't get you out of my head
I don't care what is written in your history
As long as you're here with me

I don't care who you are
Where you're from
What you did
As long as you love me"



I kid you not, I cried on the park swings. Is my longing to have someone who can be physically present (despite my current lack in that area) selfish? Should I view Victor in way similar to these BSB lyrics? Ugh, Victor was right...if we don't end up together, selfishness will be what keeps us apart. I'm just confused about what I'm supposed to do.

feeling the need to know everything

I don't know what it is about me but something makes me look like I'm in charge???? We had an all-club field trip today to Pirate Island (picture a nicer-scaled Chuck-E-Cheese with a pirate theme). More kids showed up today with signed permission slips than expected; 140...with 8 staff and volunteers. It was insane. I ended up going over to help them out. I hadn't been planning on going nor did I really have any idea what was going on. Yet, for some reason, all the YDP staff kept coming and asking me questions about what was going on. Sometimes, I tried to take charge, other times, I had no idea and flat out told them that. I had a reporter shoved in my direction; tried to answer questions just by overhearing things about the field trip. Yeah, interesting day.

I've decided that in my position as a volunteer coordinator, I'm much more than a volunteer coordinator. Because I'm in the front office where parents see me and ask me questions, I'm expected to know and to be able to answer every little question about programming. I'm supposed to know where "Little Johnny" left his backpack, be able to answer, "Where is Sarah?" or "Where's my teacher?" oh and "I need snack. I didn't get snack." Then there's why so-and-so didn't bring home a field trip permission form (yeah, I made the mistake of taking a phone call today while the receptionist was busy talking to another parent...I got screamed at), the kids expect my office to be a locker for things that they didn't bring in a bag, I manage all of our social media, write press releases, today I was made to join the Utah Dept. of Human Services' Quality Improvement Committee...in which everything was talked about in social work terms...I was constantly looking up abbreviations and definitions. Oh my gosh. I did not know what I was getting myself into as an AmeriCorps VISTA. Yet, I love it. Odd, eh? Basically, if I don't get the Director of Operations position, the person they hire must be INCREDIBLY AWESOME at everything he or she does because hell, I do quite a lot at the club for only making $5.55 an hour on my VISTA living stipend.

done playing games

So, I told off my trainer last week...okay, I didn't really tell him off, but I got sternly defensive. The conversation started with his remark about my bracelets from Victor that I always wear. He muttered something and rolled his eyes. The conversation went something like this:
Me: "What?"
Trainer: "Nothing, I just think you can do so much better"
Me: "It's not about doing better. It's about how I feel. Besides, where's better?"
Trainer: "Well, give it a few more weeks, then you'll have guys calling you" (in regards to weight loss)
Me: slightly pissed off "What? If losing weight is what it takes and I have to be 'this big' to get phone calls, I don't want anything to do with it. I want someone who is interested in me, not just the way I look. Victor likes me for me...for how I am already. I don't need to change."
Trainer: "It's all about how the game is played."
Me: my voice got progressively louder by this point "I don't want games. I'm tired of games"


I'm kinda annoyed (still) but more so, disappointed. I hate that point when I realize that someone is, indeed, just another typical guy. I'm so thankful for Victor. I know it seems odd to say since he's sitting in prison right now, but he's my knight in shining armor. Other than a bad past, he has or is developing, the key characteristics of someone compatible with me. Someone who smothers me with attention (but in a non-clingy way), patience, beyond brilliant intelligence (okay, except for common sense...he lacked some of that in the past), stupidly romantic, poetic, cheesy, positive, charming, and the list could go on. Oh, how I wish he could be here with me right now.

teetor tottering

I'm not gonna lie. Part of me hopes they hire someone else so I can use it as an excuse to move back to my safe little comfort zone of Pennsylvania. I miss my family...and having best friends. :/

Remember that time I decided to run a marathon? What was I thinking?

I'm going to stick to running races instead of organizing them. Them past month and a half has been the most stressful time of my life. Oh well, at least I go to run in it. 10k in 1:33, not bad, not bad. Three minutes longer than what I wanted but I'll take it....I did stop to chat for a bit at the water stations.

For the past two weeks, I've been running 4 mile a day. I think today marks increasing my mileage to 6. I'm turning into a real runner. I am, however, feeling the guilt of breaking down and getting pizza last night. Yes, this girl can still down a whole pizza in two days. And I might have had cookies too. There goes all my hard work. Oh well, I'll get back with the program tomorrow. My cheating is over for awhile; I feel disgusting.

On another note, this whole waiting for someone gets harder and harder every day. I don't know if I can do this for a few more years. But at the same time, I dunno if I could ever be with someone else and give 100%....I think I would wonder "What if?" I dunno.

Halfway There!!!

This is part of the reason why no one has seen me in the past 6 months.....