I find my last post to be rather ironic. The day after I wrote that, one of my co-workers announced that she'll be leaving at the end of July.... I'm pretty set on applying for the job. Everyone is trying to convince me to move back but I'm not ready. There's still so much I want to accomplish on my own (far, far away) before I head back here.

home soon :)

I finally found my credit cards today...and my room is pretty stinkin' clean too.

I'm getting on a plane in 6 days to head home for Christmas. Soooo excited to be back for the first time since August. I have a feeling that after Christmas, I'll be pretty set on moving back in East in August. Three years has been a good chunk of time to spend in Utah. I'm excited to see where God is taking me (and who he will bring to me). Part of me wants to stay another year though. I looooove my job. Words can't begin to explain how much these kids make my day.

if you hid....

If you were to hide your credit cards from yourself (in order to help resist making a tempting purchase) where would you hide them? I hid them from myself a few weeks ago (when I was tempted to fly home for my birthday) and apparently hid them a little too well. I can't find them ANYWHERE!

In other news, my friend and I nearly died on the way back to Provo after our Thanksgiving weekend in Nevada. My car decided to go for a nice spin on the freeway (just missing the car beside me by inches). We ended facing south in the northbound lane. I kinda panicked (and swore) when I saw the headlights coming. It was a scary moment. When I tried to get my car turned around, it just slid off the right shoulder into the ditch like terrain. We were stuck there for about an hour until AAA was able to get a tow truck out there to tow us out. After we got out of harm's way, it was rather amusing. Especially when the car slid into the ditch and the GPS went "recalculating."

In other news, I think I just figured out how I'm going to just barely make all of my bill payments this month. As long as Sallie Mae really does have a grace period of 15 days, I'm going to be all right. I'll pay my rent and one loan payment tomorrow (for a total of $485) leaving me with $200. And then when I get paid again on the 15th, I'll fork over $500 to Sallie Mae, make my credit card payment, my other private student loan payment....leaving me with a whopping $30. It's scary, but it's getting done. :) Then my paycheck on the 30th will take care of rent and leave me with $59 to either "replenish" my savings or to put towards another bill. Oh geez, I didn't know what I was getting into when I signed up to be an AmeriCorps VISTA. Ooooh, and I just realized that none of this math includes tithing dangnabit.

early resolutions

I'm starting my resolutions now...why wait until the new year?

1. Start and follow a monthly budget - major goal: stop impulse spending i..e. such as the giant black Friday stuffed Eeyore that is currently sitting next to me
2. Pay off my car by the end of next year
3. Get back on track with marathon and weight training
4. Start being a health nut again (I might not have had as much fun but I felt better when I was a health nut)

distant summer

This past summer, and the people from it, seem so distant. It's so weird to think that I spent so much time talking to someone and now I almost feel like that person never even existed in my life. Crazy how things work. Sometimes, I think that friendship is like learning a language. You invest so much time studying it, getting to know its personality, so to say. You don't wait until you completely know it to put it to pratice. You become fluent by practicing. Once you stop practicing and using the langauge, you start to lose it.

Friendships must be continually cultivated...otherwise, it turns into a mere acquintance.



I have a lot to write about, but this is what's on my mind right now.

last day in the first 1/4 century of my life

I just felt the need to write a blog post on this day. I marked the last day of the first 1/4 century of my life by getting back into my running routine. 3.5 miles (ok, one of those was on the cross trainer but the other 2.5 were on the treadmill). I did intervals. It was fun...nothing like sprinting at 8.0. It makes the miles go by much faster too. I don't get as bored. I'm going to push myself to 5 miles this week before I leave for Texas (eeek!!! - I'm so not ready for that)

children are inspiring

I've had my heart touched by children in so many ways this week.

1) The club kids colored Toy Story pictures to send to Rex, my friends' little boy who is battling a brain stem tumor. I initiated the project as a way to do something meaningful for the family. It was a tender moment. At first the kids didn't understand why they were coloring pictures for someone else. However, after hearing a brief synopsis of Rex's story, they started asking all sorts of questions. "Why is he sick?" "He has cancer?" "I hope he...what's the word...resurrects?" "yeah, like Jesus" as one little girl replied to that common. The same little girl made a comment, as kids were asking about cancer, "It's not fair. He doesn't get to choose his death like people who smoke." The kids got really into coloring pictures for him. They especially liked coloring the Rex dinosaur picture and making Rex the dinosaur say hi to Rex the child. It was absolutely adorable. It reminded me how big kids' hearts are. I had had a frustrating time with the kids the week before. They were being mean and just annoying. This week changed everything.

2) Nicole and Luis (two of the most adorable kids) both attacked me with hugs one day and told me that I look like Barbie and that they're going to start calling me Barbie. I can honestly say that this is the first time I've ever been told that I look like Barbie, lol. Let's be real...I look nothing like Barbie...unless they turned her redhead friend into a plus-sized doll.

3) I attended the Mormon Media Studies Symosium today (I presented a paper). I got to the Boys & Girls Club around 5:30 this evening. There was half of a best friends necklace on my desk. One of the girls left it for me. When I walked into the Power Hour room, she screamed my name and ran to give me a hug.

4) Nicole (the same girl who told me I look like Barbie) left me post it notes that said "You are pretty" and "You are nice."

5) Kids are constantly asking if they can help me (but I think that's because I gave candy to some of my helpers over the last few weeks)


Bottom line, I love these kids. August, if I really do move back to PA, is going to be soooo hard. I can pretty much guarantee that I'll cry.



In other news, my new computer came. It's so nice to have a laptop again. I've missed being able to work on research and papers from home rather than having to stay at work late or camping out at the library all night. I got a purple pillow-pet from a friend. It's purple and waaaaay fluffy. I love birthday season.

rough week

Well, I'll be honest. It's been a really rough week. I've felt...well...overlooked lately. I've gone back to finding out who my real friends are...who has let me talk to them about my the way I was feeling...and who understood even though I have no real logical reason as to why I feel that way. I just...feel unimportant right now. My real friends can tell when I'm down. I don't need to tell them. They can tell by the way I answer the phone, or how I disappear and lock myself into my room for a week and don't make any phone calls at all. Other times, they can tell that I just need a hug or a little note in the mail, and that will make everything better. That's been one hard thing about Utah. In Pennsylvania, I had those people who could just tell. Here, I have to seek help. Let's be real...seeking help is hard thing for me. I was always the kid who would never ask for her on her homework, who would always try to figure things out on her own. My stubborn personality has continued into adulthood. I miss those people who can tell when I just need a hug.

My trip to Vegas just reminded me of what I sacrificed when I moved to Utah - some awesome friendships. I know I came out here for personal growth, and an advanced education but sometimes I wonder if it's really all been worth it. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for some of the incredible people I've met out here. There are several people that have really influenced me and have had me thinking, "I want to be like so and so," but I still cherish those childhood friendships. If I were back home, I'd be having a big 25th birthday celebration (well, actually, I'd be having a combined milestone party right now at this very moment with my friend/near sister Jenn). Today, one of my PA friends (who now lives in Las Vegas) told me that she was considering coming up for a day next weekend. Again, it makes me grateful for those childhood friends. I know there's a lot of factors that will influence her decision (i.e. a 6 hours is a long drive for a one night stay) but just the fact that she was considering it made me smile.

Anyway, everything that I've felt this week has made me think about what I can do for others who might be feeling the same way. What do you do to show people that they're important to you? Or what do you do for those who you might not even know very well?

updates, updates

Well, I went over budget this month. Between gas, food, shopping, entertainment, and contributing a bit for the hotel, Vegas sucked a paycheck out of me (yep, I'm pretty sure it was a whole paycheck). My laptop died...it just decided that it would no longer turn on. I'm assuming the motherboard is shot again (stupid hps). Other than some minor financial downsides and the annoying fact that I don't have a computer to conveniently use anymore, things are really good. I think I'm officially an optimist.

I love work. I really do. If they had a real position available (instead of just AmeriCorps VISTA), I'd stay here for a few years. I like it that much. Granted, the people definitely make it so great. I love my co-workers, my volunteers, and the kids. They are just fantastic. I even like it when kids create incredibly awkward situations. They're funny.

Anyway, I just spent the week in Vegas. I've been to Vegas a lot (I'm pretty sure this was trip #3 this calendar year and I'll be back next month for Thanksgiving), but this week was fantastic. Those ladies are just soooo much fun. They are incredible. There's lots of pics on Facebook if you want to see any.

Why do some people disappear when you need them the most?

i like it when people make decisions easy

by saying one thing but portraying actions that signify the exact opposite.

Three pounds down, 28 to go....

confession

Confession: I've gained weight. A lot of weight. I'm almost right back up to where I was when I first moved to Utah. Amazing how you can work so hard for something just to let it slip by you in a matter of months. I'm frustrated with myself not just for gaining weight, but for feeling like I wasted a whole lot of money on fitness and personal training. I learned a lot and was doing so well, but then I got lazy.

BUT, rather than whine about it and sit around eating my ice cream, I signed myself back up for personal training with my old pal Brian. My first session is in 7.5 hours. Yes, that's right: 8am on a Monday morning. I'm going to die. He pushes me...more than I could ever push myself. And this time, we're experimenting with a low/high carb diet. For 4-5 days, I'll eat a low carb diet (75g) and a helluva lot of protein (240g). Then, for one day I'll eat a high carb (240g) and regular protein (80g) and start all over again. I've done low carbs before (I will never cut out carbs completely - they're necessary for your body to function properly) and responded pretty well to the program...I just admit that I have trouble sticking to it. However, I'm not so sure where all the protein in this low carb plan is gonna go:

Meal 1: 4 eggs and 7 egg whites (52g protein) and 2 slices of 45 cal. sara lee whole wheat bread (19g carbs)
Meal 2: 24 slices deli meat (32g protein) and 2 slices of 45 cal sara lee whole wheat bread
Meal 3: 4 servings (2 cans) of tuna (52g protein) and 1 cup cooked brown rice (37g carbs)
Meal 4: 80z chicken (56g protein) with broccoli, spinach or cauliflower
Meal 5: 7.5 oz. chicken breast cooked (50g protein)

Oooooh geez...that's a lot of food.

I fell in love with this song today

Meredith Andrews - Never Alone

I searched for love when the night came and it closed in
I was alone, but You found me where I was hiding
And now I'll never ever be the same
It was the sweetest voice that called my name, saying

You're not alone for I am here
Let me wipe away your every fear
My love, I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest night
And I'm the One who's loved you all your life
All your life

You cry yourself to sleep
'Cause the hurt is real and the pain cuts deep
All hope seems lost with heartache your closest friend
And everyone else long gone
You've had to face the music on your own
But there is a sweeter song that calls you home, saying

You're not alone for I am here
Let me wipe away your every tear
My love, I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest night
And I'm the One who's loved you all your life
All your life

Faithful and true forever
My love will carry you

You're not alone for I, I am here
Let me wipe away your every fear
My love, I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest night
Your darkest night
And I'm the One who's loved you all your life
All your life

shutting down social networking sites

Well, I did it. This morning I canceled MySpace and then Twitter. And approximately 30 seconds ago, I deactivated my Facebook account. We'll see how long this lasts since Facebook makes it so simple to reactivate. I'm going for at least two weeks without it though. I might feel out of the loop, a little lost without unnecessary distractions, and a little sad about not keeping in touch or up-to-date with some people BUT, I figure if we need each other in our lives enough, we'll find another way to communicate. It's actually kind of freeing. I just need to give myself the chance to not be addicted to it anymore and to get out of the habit of posting status updates. In fact, I'm going to try my best to not use status updates when/if I reactivate my account.

On another note, I've been feeling kinda down lately. I'm not exactly why, but I have been. I think a lot of it's stress from all of the work that I need to get done. Other emotions come from not talking to a particular someone. I'm just confused. I thought I was fine, but I miss the friendship we had going...a lot. Hopefully it's not completely dead after just getting short answers and responses I just stopped initiating communication all together. I just gave up on it. Maybe I'll get the guts to pick up the phone and call one of these days but until then, I'll just let my heart continue to ache. Plus, my old roomie and I exchanged pacts the other night, and if I give in now, I'll owe her a spaghetti dinner, lol.


Well, I have thesis stuff to crank out...I really have no desire to work on it. Maybe I'll defer until winter semester....

in awe

I'm just blown away about what happened last night. I was not expecting that conversation at all.

a little delayed

Carl doesn't live here anymore

fantastic first day

Today was soooo good. I don't know why I was so nervous. I thought about it this morning while I was at the gym. I am sooo qualified for this position. I'm going to be awesome, I just need to get past my initial quiet side. I really like everyone at the club. It seems way chill, and everyone's really easy to get along with. I have some big tasks ahead of me but I'm way excited about them.

AND the Executive Director found out that I have a PR background so he's taking me along to a Marketing meeting on Thursday. The PR practitioner from Intermountain Medical Care is apparently on our board of directors so we're meeting with him. I got put to work on writing a press release today. Soooo excited for these opportunities. :D God knew what he was doing, I shouldn't have doubted him.

AmeriCorps VISTA

Well, I'm officially an AmeriCorps VISTA. My one year contracted started yesterday 8/20/10. I will be serving the Boys and Girls Club of Utah County as their volunteer coordinator. My emotions have been up and down. I spent last week in Portland, OR for Pre-Service Orientation (PSO). Random note, Portland is such a beautiful city; I got to go on two lovely runs there. It felt good. Back to the story, I spent Wednesday afternoon on the phone with my mom. I was in tears because of confusion and fear. She reminded me to pray about it some more and then put in her two cents that at this point, it's pointless to not go through with my commitment. It's just a year. I can do it. So, I went out for one of my prayerful runs. I went to bed still feeling unsure but I awoke the next morning feeling completely at peace with the decision. Friday morning, I came home from training in Provo excited (like I was initially). Then I tried to figure out my financial life for the next few months. It's my biggest fear right now. I made some dumb financial decisions/mistakes this summer and am still paying for them. So, I started putting whatever textbooks that I don't absolutely need and are actually worth more than $10 on half.com. I found a Stats one that most people were selling for $90+. I posted it for $87.99 and said a prayer that it would sell soon. Today, I received that wonderful "You've made a sale" notification in my inbox. :) It made me happy. $88 I wasn't expecting to have. It's just amazing how God keeps addressing my concerns and answering my prayers. As much as I'm a rollercoaster about the next year of my life (most of it has to do with my location), I know that I'm in the right place. God is working wonderful things in my life. For example, after more financial concerns today, I randomly got this prompting to check out the loan options from PSECU. I realized that I can take out a low interest personal loan from my Credit Union that I can use to pay off the two credit cards that I was dumb with...so that I can cancel them. That way, instead of paying interest on two separate cards (the one has been interest free for the past year but will no longer be so after next month), I'll just be paying a lower interest on the loan from the credit union.

lecrae identity lyrics

This is one of my new favorite songs of the moment. It's called "Identity." Lecrae performed at Purple Door tonight and he did a really good job at addressing the topic I've been focusing on lately: our identity through God and Jesus Christ. Our significance is not found in our looks and appearance. It's found on the inside. Find this one on iTunes, if you like or can at least tolerate rap/hip hop.


(JR)
Hair, check
Shoes, check
A brand new fit looking cool, check
I'm looking in the mirror like "ooooh yes!"
The cover for an insecure dude, check
But she won't feel me and they won't like me
If I ain't in them J's or them brand new Nikes
But let's dig deeper inside my pysche
When it's all said and done, even I don't like me
He live in the gym and his hair stay faded
Late model car so they think he made it
He's Christian, he gave his life
But he still ain't satisfied in the Savior Christ
Still finds his identity in looks and cars
If he only knew that he ain't have to look so hard
If he looked in God, though it may seem odd
But he'd be so satisfied he could leave it all

(D.A. T.R.U.T.H.)
How do I gauge success?
Why do I say I'm blessed huh?
Is it the car that I drive or the place that I rest or the way that I dress now?
Is the cause of my pride, the stage and the set or my face in the press now?
Cause the applause it dies
When the praise is less if my face is depressed, then
It's cause my value and worth is in the volume of the work I produce in the booth
It's a prize and a curse if defined by the perks when the truth is through
Man I'm goin' feel like I don't want to live no more
Cause they don't like me like they did in 04
So, I swallow my pride empowered by God, I'm complete in Him
He's got peace - God's priest - I'm in
In His presence weak - He's strength
Meet His kin - We His brethren
Read this list - Me forgiven
He's dismissed guilt and my sin and then I find my worth cause I'm Jesus' friend

(Lecrae)
Got her hair done, toes and nails
Is that Her? Well it's hard to tell
Cause she's caked up in all that much make up
It's like she's try'na make up for what she ain't but
She's a saint but so confused
Cause she's been rejected by all these dudes
That tell her on a scale of 10 she's a two
But that ain't true if she only knew
In Christ she is loved she secure and accepted
She'll never be rejected by God who's elected her
Her beauty is her Godliness
And she ain't gotta to flaunt it
Cause it's obvious
Identity is found in the God we trust
Any other identity will self destruct
Identity is found in the God we trust
Any other identity will self destruct

(Chorus)
I'm not the shoes I wear
I'm not the clothes I buy
I'm am not the house I live in
I'm not the car I drive
I'm not the job I work
You can't define my worth
By nothing on God's green earth, my identity is found in Christ

more invested than planned

Apparently, I had more invested than I thought I would/did. I did not think this would hurt this much. Weird....

The Other Guys makes me want to call bullshit on chick flicks instead of action movies

If you've seen the Other Guys or its trailer, you probably remember this scene: Wahlberg (Terry) and Ferrell (Allen) are walking towards a building when it suddenly explodes, sending them flying backwards and onto the floor writhing in pain. "How do people always walk away from that in movies?! I call BULLSHIT on that!" screams Ferrell.

Well, I want to call bullshit on chick flicks. For as much as we complain about the damages of pornography, people need to start bringing up the damages of chick flicks. Pornography creates unrealistic expectations and misconstrued views toward sexuality while chick flicks create unrealistic and exaggerated expectations for relationships in general. That scene at the end of The Proposal where Ryan Reynolds races to the airport to catch Sandra Bullock before she leaves on the plane...yeah, that doesn't happen in real life. Nor do Freddie Prinze Jrs (Zack) become suddenly attracted to the seemingly ugly Rachel Leigh Cooks (Laney - might I add that the girl is beautiful to begin with but it's the concept here) because he asked her out to win a stupid bet. Let alone would he show up at her house after severely hurting her.

As my friend Lindsey put it today, guys don't chase girls. They're too prideful. They won't admit when they were wrong or stupid (let alone doing so in public). They won't show up at the airport in attempts to stop you from going to some far off distant land or to profess their love before you have to leave.

I admit to being a victim to chick-flick expectation in the past. I had many unrealistic expectations for my relationship with Brian. It was damaging, very damaging. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying we need to stop watching them altogether but I do think we need to be more aware of what we are watching. Our lives are not chick flicks. I am not Meg Ryan writing to a Tom Hanks. Christopher Egan will not show up at a wedding and climb up to the balcony to win me back.

Ladies, let's make it easier on the guys (and on our own emotions in the end) and not expect our relationships to be like those on the big scenes. I think we would all be a lot happier if we personalized our expectations based on our own experiences rather than those in the movies.

don

I really wish I had more in common with Donaciano. Now that he's back to being the Donaciano that he was when I first met him, I enjoy talking to him. (He went through this 'I hate the world' phase and it was really scary). He's such an incredible guy. He sees people for their hearts, would give up anything in order to help anyone. He's the Good Samaritan in my life. It's a shame I passed him up. But the connection was never really there.

contradictory statements

In one sentence, "I don't like to focus on looks too much."

Several sentences later: "You're not the type of girl I'm usually attracted too. (5'8'' brunette with blue eyes)"

Does anyone else see any contradictions here??

The ere of worldly standards. I understand that we all have different perspectives on what is attractive and that attraction is an essential part to any potential relationship but how often do we let our fleshly standards of beauty interfere with God's standards? How can we expect God to work wonders in our lives and introduce the right person at the right time if we're still bound by worldly expectations? I'm guilty of this, I know I am. How can we overcome our own pride and selfish desires when it comes to "attraction?"

I'm not that type of girl, I get it. God made me short and stout with flaming red hair. I have thunder thighs, beastly calves, and monstrous, hairy arms. I don't have a symmetrical face. One eye is bigger than the other. I'm well aware of these "worldly beauty flaws." But it's a shame that my inner awesomeness, what really matters, often goes overlooked because I'm not the tall, slender girl next door. I am a daughter of God. I am His creation. He loves me just the way I am. I treat my body as a temple (1 Cor 6:19-20) out of respect of his creation. I'm not overweight because I'm lazy. I eat well. I ran a marathon. I can outrun and outlift most of the girls, and some of the guys. People can't tell that at first glance. They don't realize how incredible I am. But whatever, I'm getting pretty used to being just the "really great girl with a big heart."

I guess I'm just disappointed in the fact that even the good, Christian guys are bound by these worldly desires. At least other guys will admit to wanting a girl who is "hott" instead of being ignorant of their own selfish interests.

Anyway, this whole topic came up while I was just trying to see if we were reading the same book but maybe we're not even in the same section of the library...or the same library at all. I guess I need to put this book back on the shelf and search for another. Unless someone thinks the ending might be different and is something worth suffering through the choppy middle for. (ewww, I just ended the sentence with a preposition but I don't know how to fix it). Regardless, I know that I am an awesome person. I know that I have done some stupid things and will probably do a few more stupid things in my lifetime. I know what my own struggles are. I know that I've had self-esteem issues in the past but it feels good to know that most of those are gone. I know that I am an incredible person. I have been blessed with a really big heart that you don't see in a lot of people these days. It might not always shine through. Sometimes it's clouded by my shyness but trust me, it's there. And if this heart of mine is missed out on because someone is stuck in their worldly desirous ways, it's their loss. "They say you never know what you've got till it's gone."


"Bring my sons from afar and my daughters from the ends of the earth--everyone who is called by my name, whom I created for my glory, whom I formed and made" Isaiah 43:6-7

Mirror by Barlow Girl

just thought these were appropriate lyrics for today.

"Mirror" by Barlow Girl

Mirror, Mirror on the wall, Have I got it?
'Cause Mirror you've always told me who I am
I'm finding it's not easy to be perfect
So sorry you won't define me
Sorry you don't own me

Who are you to tell me
That I'm less than what I should be?
Who are you? Who are you?
I don't need to listen
To the list of things I should do
I won't try, I won't try

Mirror I am seeing a new reflection
I'm looking into the eyes
of He who made me
And to Him I have beauty beyond compare
I know He defines me (Yeah)

Who are you tell me
that I'm less than what I should be
Who are you?
Who are you? (Yeah)
I don't need to listen
To the list of things I should do
I won't try, no, I won't try

You don't define me

Who are you to tell me
That I'm less than what I should be
Who are you?
Who are you?
Yeah!
I don't need to listen
To the list of things I should do
I won't try, no, I won't try
Yeah

Who are you to tell me
That I'm less than what I should be
Who are you?
Who are you?
Yeah
I don't need to listen
To the list of things I should do
I won't try, no, I won't try

home sweet home, again

So, I'm going back home for another 10 days and I'm way excited. Hopefully my mom doesn't catch wind of this because I'm telling her that I don't want to spend the money and then I'm going to get there in time to surprise her on her birthday :)

This also means that I might get to go to Purple Door Festival this year. I was disappointed that I was going to miss it. Thousand Foot Krutch is headlining Friday night and they are one of my favorites :) And the fact that I get to see my friends only a few weeks after telling them all that I'd see them at Christmas. It's gonna be good. I know I'll probably miss out on a lot of stuff here in Provo because it's the week of break between semesters but...I'll deal with it. Home is waaaay better.

3 glorious weeks

I just spent 3 glorious weeks that were focused around two beautiful weddings. One being my dad's marriage to his 7-year partner and the other being that of my beautiful roommate (and later co-worker) from my senior year.

I was thankful to be able to spend a lot of time with my family. We went fishing, played Canasta, spent a lot of time at my grandparents, and even went to the beach. I'm so grateful for my family and the support that they give me.

I also got to spend some quality time with some good friends. I love knowing who my real friends are. They've become so evident over the past few years. It's funny how I can go 6 months without seeing them but it seems like no time has passed at all. We just go right back to where we left off. I love that feeling.

I was also blessed to make a few new friends during this time at home. I'm so glad that I was able to spend July 16th with a bunch of friends making new positive memories instead of remembering the awful ones from a year ago.

poem 254

"Hope" is the thing with feathers -
that perches in the soul -
And sings the tune without the words -
And never stops - at all -

And sweetest - in the Gale - is heard -
And sore must be the storm -
That could abash the little Bird
That kept so many warm -

I've heard it in the chillest land -
And on the strangest Sea -
Yet, never, in Extremity,
It asked a crumb - of Me.

- Emily Dickinson

Marathon Post

Well folks, it's 5:50am Mountain Time. I'm currently sitting in the Salt Lake airport after being up all night. Some friends and I went to see the Backstreet Boys last night (that's a post yet to come) then I finished packing when I got home and hopped into an airport shuttle at 3:30am. Now, with 20 minutes before it's time to board and lacking the energy to be able to read and stay awake, I'm writing the promised blog post about my first marathon.

We had a 7am flight out of Salt Lake to San Diego (with a transfer in Las Vegas). It was quite an early morning. A friend was nice enough to give me a ride at 5:15 in the morning. Friday wasn't very eventful. We walked to the expo center to pick up our packets. It ended up being about a 3 mile walk. My shoulders got burned big time, which did not feel so hot while running.

Saturday was our Inspiration Pasta Dinner (Lunch). And what an inspiration it was. One of the speakers had recently lost his teenage daughter to one of the forms of blood cancers. Another Team in Training chapter had just lost their "walk coach" to his battle with Leukemia. The stories made me cry. However, hearing the numbers of how much we raised for the LLS was inspiring. I believe the number was 12 million just from the fundraising participants alone. Since the San Diego Rock N Roll Marathon benefited the LLS this year, they made even more money off of the public's registration. Another inspiration was the little 87-year-old who was running her 13th marathon - she's participated in the past 13 of 14 San Diego Rock n Roll Marathons. Crazy, huh?


The Pasta Dinner welcoming committee! It was quite an entrance!

After lunch, my TNT roomie (Sam) and I rented a car and toured around. Our first stop was a beach in La Jolla. It was cloudy, go figure. Then later we met with Angel (one of my mentors and my best friend's mom) and Mishellay. We explored Old Towne, took a trip to Wal-mart, and just had fun.


San Diego roommates

Sunday was race morning. I'm not sure exactly what to say about it. We got there around 5:45am - a half hour before race start time. It was the perfect amount of time to get there beforehand, unlike the Disney Princess race. I kept an excellent steady run/walk pace up until mile 13 or so, then my running length started to get shorter and shorter. (My friends were amazed that I was texting them and answering phone calls during the race - but I only did so when I stopped to walk). After mile 18, it started to hurt. I could feel the blisters on the sides of my feet, my stomach was growling, and it was sooo hot. What kept me going was all of the encouragement from other TNT participants and cheerleaders along the way. I also found myself thinking about the names I painted on the back of my jersey. They were the real reason I was there, and I had to remember that.

Running for Allie, Julia, Rex, & in memory of Lesa.

I got to the second cut-off point (20.7 miles) with 45 minutes to an hour to spare. Once I reached that point, I started to walk. I knew I would finish. I started to run/walk again at mile 25 just to make sure I wasn't too stiff to run the last .2 miles across the finish the line. When I reached 26 miles, one of the TNT coaches came up and ran beside me. She congratulated me on everything I've done, and that's when I started to cry. I was really about to finish a marathon!

After my victory run across the finish line, I heard my name being yelled. Angel and Mishellay (who had finished waaaay before I did) had waited for me. It was so great to be able to share this opportunity with Angel. She gave me her medal to bring home to give to Allie. This race was for her. Angel took care of me and immediately made me get iced and loaded me up with snacks and goodies.

That night, instead of going to the Victory Party, Sam and I stayed in our hotel room. Mishellay came and stayed with us while Angel went out with some old high school friends. We ordered pizza and watched movies. The perfect night after running a marathon.

Our weekend went by quickly but it was so much fun. I don't want to forget how much 26.2 miles hurt at the time but I surprisingly felt amazing afterward. I had some battle wound blisters, some bad sunburn, and minor aches. However, in comparison to many others that I saw, I felt AWESOME! I know that I had said that I would never do a full marathon again, but I want to do another one and finish under 7 hours. That's my new goal. Maybe the Philly one in September???

I owe you a marathon blog post. I'll get on that sometime soon.

my public decree

Dearest Ramel'o,
I had the unfortunate pleasure of your company in my life nearly a year ago. At first you lifted me up, only to push me down twice as far. Your words have haunted me for nearly a year. The other day, as I looked through pictures from my marathon race weekend, I began to find myself thinking the things that you told me. Instead of thinking about everything I overcame, I started to think about how far I had left to go. Funny, how one can accomplish so much yet still live with some crazy idea that some jerk put into their head that they're not worth anything. Things are changing though. Today, I'm done. I'm not one to post such private things in such a public realm like Facebook but I have no way of contacting you, nor would I want to, so I'm making a public decree. No longer will your hurtful and degrading words pull me down. I'm done living in the ghost of your immaturity. This past week, I found myself radiating in confidence that I haven't felt since before our unfortunate meeting. Today, many people complimented me on my glow and spirit. One individual even referred to a radiating halo around me. Oh dearest Ramel'o, if you saw me today, I think you would take back every word you ever said to me. This "ugly as shit" girl who has nothing going for her but a "fat ass" is turning heads. Yes, the world needs to hear how your treat women and what you say to them when things don't go your way. You're done making me cry. You have no hold on me. I refuse to be scared of men because of your little boy behavior. And, my friend, you're wrong. I'm not the one who will end up alone for the rest of my life, you are because you treat women as your objects instead of as the precious and beautiful daughters of God that they are.

good, bad, good

I had the perfect Sunday afternoon. After being put into tears and being frustrated that someone of authority asked to talk with me, asked for my thoughts on something, and then cut me off mid sentence before deciding to tell me himself what I thought (dear people reading, please don't put words into others' mouths and decide not to listen to what the other person really has to say), then being told that falling in love and getting married is what I need, I just got into my car and drove. I ended up in Park City. It was nice. I walked up and down Main Street, did some window shopping, and decided to buy ice cream before I left, which I proceeded to spill all down my shirt and get all over my face (which I only found out after I had already talked to a Park Ranger...with chocolate ice cream all over my face, lol). I then proceeded to stop at the Deer Creek State Park Beach Area and finished reading the first Harry Potter book.

I wish I could vent more about what happened this morning but I think I need to keep the details to myself. I realize that he "feels prompted" to help but completely misreading the situation and misreading how I feel isn't helping. If he listened, he'd realize that I'm getting answers that are the exact opposite of what his are. However, he doesn't listen. And this is on top of the last meeting I had with him where I finally confided something that I've avoided talking about. He responded in the same way as so many other ignorant people do...in the same way as the classmate who said that girls who don't dress modestly are asking to be raped. When a girl says no, she means no, no matter what might have happened before regardless of whether before was a few weeks or a few seconds ago. (see key reminders and recovery obstacles here). I just can't be around the naivety and ignorance anymore. If I'm going to talk to someone, it's going to be someone who's trained in counseling rather than someone who's doing more harm than good.

On a more positive note, I got my TNT jersey yesterday morning. It was just the motivation I needed. I fly to San Diego Friday morning, and by Sunday afternoon, I will be a marathon finisher. :) I'm kinda nervous, but I've trained (and I finished my 20 miler run) so I know that I will finish.

stress turned to peace

I've spent the past few weeks stressing over money, and in particularly fundraising for this marathon. I've had some frustrations with planned fundraisers not working out like I thought they would, and last week I was still a good $1000 from my minimum requirement. After a couple more pleas on Facebook, I am closer but still several hundred dollars away. I've realized that unless some miracle occurs in the next week (which I often pray to God that it will) and that I'm somehow able to collect $500 from door-to-door soliciting, at least a $500 charge (not including the $250 I've already paid for my flight) will be put on my credit card if I don't meet that $2,900 minimum. At first, I cried. I cried like it was the end of the world and that I would end up living on the streets. Then today, as I watched last week's episode of the Biggest Loser on Hulu, I had a change of heart. Last week's episode was Makeover Week. The last 6 contestants get new clothes, new hair, and it's when you really see the difference between when they arrived and now. It's more than just a physical change. You can see their emotional and mental changes as well. As I thought about that today, I thought about the change I've seen in myself through this challenge of running a marathon while raising money for cancer research. I ran/walked 18 miles last weekend. How many people, let alone individuals who are 40 pounds overweight, can say that? I can't put a price tag on the confidence I've gained through this opportunity. Each week, I continue to do things that I never thought I would be able to do. Today, I was sprinting at a 6.7 on the treadmill when I usually just jog between 4.7 and 5.3. I'm sure I'll push myself and run some 7.5/8.0 sprints next week. Between my weight training sessions with Brian and Andre and all of this marathon training, I've grown so much (well, actually I've shrunk) and I feel good. $500 isn't the end of the world. Yes, it adds to my pile of student debt but it will get paid off. In reality, $500 is a small price to pay for everything I've gained. And it all goes to a good cause. :)

anti-consumerism

I hate consumerism, I really do. I think that's been a huge part of my struggle while trying to adjust from my small-town life and inner-city Philadelphia experiences in Pennsylvania as well as my time in a developing country to Provo/Orem, Utah. The brand names, the gigantic houses, the fancy cars...it's just not me. I started to fall into the trap for awhile. At one time, I was even considering buying a pair of jeans at Buckle. But no, it's not going to happen. I cannot justify spending a large sum of money on a piece of clothing when others don't even have shoes to wear.

I've been thinking a lot about poverty. My financial situation isn't so hot now that my research assistantship contract has ended and I can't find a decent job in Provo/Orem. Some have suggested that I try to get some government assistance but I struggle doing that knowing that there are many others who need that assistance more than I do. And I use the funds, it's not available for others. I should have budgeted better. Luckily, I had enough money saved for May and June's rent. I just don't see myself asking for help when I still have all of this stuff in my room. I guess I could sell the Best Buy gift cards I've been hording as my dad keeps giving them to me for my birthday and at Christmas. I kept saving them so that I could one day buy something I really want. But shouldn't I use them as financial resources before going to the government for aid. Maybe that's what makes me different. I don't look for the easy cop out. I'm always trying to figure out how to do it on my own. Anyway, back to my thoughts on poverty and the many commandments to help those who are in poverty, both spiritual and physical poverty. There are many days I look around my room and just ask myself why I have so much stuff. I don't need it. It's not essential. Why did I spend money on that instead of putting it to good use? That $10 necklace could have gone toward a micro-loan and could have helped someone open their own jewelry-making business in South America.

I've always wanted to help people. I've always wanted to serve and be involved in missions; so why in the world did I spend the last two years of my life getting a Master's degree at Brigham Young University? I hate to say it, but I think I took the easy way out rather than following what God was really telling me to do. I got scared of the Peace Corps and moved to Utah instead. I've been avoiding a big call in my life. And when one isn't doing what he or she is really supposed to be doing, there is uneasiness, restlessness, and just downright times of depression. So, I'm fixing this, somehow. I will find some way to serve others, and in more than just good customer service at a store or by happily always taking out the trash.

I'm pledging, over the next few months, to start selling and giving away a lot of the pointless things I've accumulated over the last several years. If I'm going to be serious about a life of service, I won't need this stuff anyway.


"But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys, and where thieves do not break in or steal" ~ Matthew 6:20

"Sell your possessions and give to charity; make yourselves money belts which do not wear out, an unfailing treasure in heaven, where no thief comes near nor moth destroys." Luke 12:33

How can I love someone else when I still love him?

summer plans

Well, yesterday I had my first meeting with the Utah County Domestic Violence Coalition. I was thrown right into assignments. Tonight, I have a flier to tackle and a Facebook event to set up (no biggie). Then, I went to a job interview at Lane Bryant. It was an interesting process. I was offered a position, so at least I have some form of paycheck coming in this summer but who knows how many hours I will get each week. I can't survive if it's any less than 15. I admit, I cried myself to sleep last night. Don't get me wrong, I looooove working at Lane Bryant, otherwise it wouldn't have been more first store to put in an application at, but before it's always been my second job on top of already working 40 hours a week. It was always my fun money. Now, I'm relying on it for income. I need to find another job. Then, I thought about the fact that I'm a thesis away from holding a master's degree in my hand and now I'm working at the mall. That, my friends, is what put me into tears. I'm taking a $10 an hour pay drop because my two year contract with BYU Grad Studies is up. I just don't know how I'm going to make it financially. But, the best I can do is volunteer at the Women's and Children's Shelter, do my work for the UCDVC, get my thesis done, continue training for this marathon, and work my butt off at whatever hours I'm given and prove that I can handle more. Gosh, I miss my 60 hours a week work schedule.

good news :)

good news

spiritual insights on friendship

I'm not sure if I do this often, but this is one I need to share.

A few weeks back, I talked with my home teachers/friends about the loneliness I had been feeling. I had hit rock bottom. I was emotionally drained which led to being physically fatigued. I was sleeping so much, unable to focus on school, and, like I said in a previous post, I was starting to wonder if grad school/LDS Church was worth it all. If it would be easier to just move back into my parents' house in Perry County and get plugged back into my old UMC church with my lifelong friends. I don't really remember a whole lot about what we talked about, other than the idea of putting my contract up for sale and moving elsewhere, but I do remember something that came out in the prayer and that was to asking to "help Malinda recognize the friends that she has." Then, I met with the bishop the following week. I got the typical printed talk about diminishing and rooting testimonies, and I got frustrated that he thought that just because I'm in a better roommate situation this year automatically made things better. Then, he said something that really hit me, "What are you doing to cultivate the friendships that you want? Who are you inviting to the movies?" It's been on my mind a lot. I guess I kinda got defensive automatically and said that I've tried (which I have in a way but not as much as I should have). But I've been thinking about it so much lately and really trying to take action on that. I've been visiting people instead of waiting for them to visit me. I've been asking people what they're doing, and sometimes inviting myself along. I've really changed my attitude about things. I hope it stays this way for awhile. I know that if I do decide to live in Utah in the fall, I will move elsewhere. It's time to given another ward a shot. But for now, I'm going to make the best of it and hopefully develop a couple lifelong friendships.

With that said, I've also thought a lot about the friends I do already have (answered prayer to Jared's request - I think so). I have two awesome roommates, and, when we're not all stressed out, we have a blast together, or at least I think we do. I've had the opportunity to initiate friendships with a few people and allow friendships from last year to blossom, while maintaining the friendships with people back home. I need to be thankful for those have been placed in my life. I need to stop worrying about trying to get in with the core group of the ward. Yes, I'll do things with them, and have fun when I do spend time with them, but I've realized that, for the most part, I'll just have to do my own thing. After four semesters, I'm finally OK with that.

In other news, I was just video chatting with my friend Andres. I met him at Church in Ecuador. We went out a few times, and he is quite the excellent dancer, but those are just side notes. He moved to Chile shortly after I left Ecuador. He was telling about living through the earthquake there in Santiago. How he thought his life was over, how scared he was, how much time he spent praying. I completely forgot that he was living in Santiago or I would have been in touch with him earlier. Yeah, terrible friend, I know.

Well, with that said, it is my bed time.

Guess who's back, back again

Malinda's back, tell your friends.

Seriously, I decided to put some of the bigger issues aside and just have fun. If I spend all of my time worrying about whether I'm where I'm supposed to be, I'm never going to know because I'll spend too much time worrying and not enough time having fun.

At about 10:45PM tonight, I stopped working on the research for my paper for a bit and went to the grocery store with Katie. As we were walking through the parking lot to her car I put my arm up in victory because "Procrastinating Malinda is baaaack" And it's the good procrastinating...for social reasons, not the bad I was just on Facebook or watching TV for a few hours procrastinating.

And, while I took a short (ok, really long) break from writing this blog, Katie visited with some stuffed mushrooms she made tonight and we procrastinated by chatting even more.

I'm still not sure what to do in the fall, but I'll figure that one out as more time passes. I feel like I should give Provo another shot and really put my best effort into making new friends and enhancing current friendships. This semester really wore me out.

Now on to the decision of whether I stay up for a few more hours writing my paper or if I should just go to bed.

Song For The Broken by Barlow Girl

Just another song that I'm in love with. These ladies are amazing.

I am the comfortable secure
The definition of this western world, and
I have perfected deceit
Even I believe, I'm above, saving (yeah)
And I'll never, let you see

I am the broken
I am the bruised
I am the poor ones
I have been used

It takes me falling to the ground
To admit to, fully needing you
Then When I'm breathing my last breath
"Come and save me" I will cry to you
'Cause pride has not, let me say

I am the broken
I am the bruised
I am the poor ones
I have been used

(Oh why does it take so much?)
To bring me to my knees,
(Oh why does it take so much?)
Pain for me to see,
(If strength is only found when)
I am on my knees,
(Why is it so hard)
To show that I am weak? Yeah yeah

I am the broken
I am the bruised
I am the poor ones
I have been used.

let your heart be troubled...it's healthy

I feel like a normal person again. Enough said.
Today I:
- Got up early
- Actually went to campus
- Took a test
- Checked out books from the library
- Did research
- Went to the gym to lift and run 4 miles on the treadmill
- Bought two new stuffed Eeyores for my collection (only $10 for both)
- Bought a beautiful new tennis racquet
- Drank a Rockstar
- Ate Chocolate (without feeling guilty about it)
- Goofed off with the roommates
- Now, it's 1am and I'm just starting homework. Malinda is back :D

"Did you know that it is normal and healthy to be depressed occasionally? If you happen to hit a good sorry mood once in a while, relax and enjoy it, it is a good sign that you are normal" Elder Boyd K. Packer, "Let Your Heart Be Troubled" p. 6.

Vota - Honestly

I'm absolutely in love with this song by Vota:


Honestly
Can I tell you where I'm at
Honestly
Can I pull the curtain back
Will you run if you see how weak I am

If you don't see the real me
You won't see what mercy's done
If you don't see my weakness
You won't see what love has won
If you don't see the distance from the darkness to the sun
You won't see
Honestly

Honestly
I'm growing sick and tired
Honestly
It hurts too much to hide
Brokeness that's killing us inside

If you don't see the real me
You won't see what mercy's done
If you don't see my weakness
You won't see what love has won
If you don't see the distance from the darkness to the sun
You won't see

Let the light escape from this hole inside my soul
When I start to break then grace begins to flow
Let the light escape from this lonely place inside my soul
Honestly

If you don't see the real me
You won't see what grace's done
If you don't see the weakness
You won't see what love has won
If you don't see the distance from the darkness to the sun
You won't see

I made one!!!

One decision made. Several others to go! I'm working with the Utah County Domestic Violence Coalition and the Center for Women and Children in Crisis this summer as a volunteer and to work on research for my thesis project as a participant observer. I'm going to help in the PR/Event Planning/Fundraising department. I'm kinda excited and less overwhelmed about one thing in my life.

indecisiveness at its best

Let's be real, I'm a very indecisive person. It's not because I'm too lazy or don't want to take the time to make a decision. Decision-making seriously stresses me out, especially those big, possible life-altering decisions. They tweak me out. I try all of the methods such as listing all of the pros and cons. Then I tweak out about deciding whether something is a good or bad thing. It's like my life falls into shambles when I have to make a huge decision, and I often start asking others to make them for me. I have several of these really big and possibly life-altering decisions to make. Thus, stress levels are way high right now.

This is what's been on my mind lately
1) School: decisions about graduation - when should I take those last two credits to defend my thesis and graduate.
2) School: my thesis topic - every time I think I've made a decision, someone suggests one that is just as interesting and the painful decision process starts all over again.
3)School/Career: Is Communications/PR really what I want to do with my life? Should I go back to school for an MSW? What kind of job to I want to look for? Where do I want to work, east, west, north, south???
4) Activity: Team in Training marathon recommittment. I currently have $1,500 raised...can I raise the other $1,400 necessary to meet the minimum. I have a week to decide.
5) Living Situation: Do I try to sell my Windsor Park contract for spring/summer and live somewhere else. Will that make my social situation better.
6) Living Situation; If I decide to push graduation off until December, do I stay in Utah in the fall or move back home? If I stay in Utah, where should I live? Windsor Park or somewhere else?
7) Relationships: Do I want to be friends with Donaciano? Do I want anything more with Donaciano? Am I scared of being in another relationship after my latest episode? Will I ever love anyone the same way I loved Brian? Was the lady who spoke at Stake Conference last semester right, did I miss my opportunity to marry because I chose school and career over getting married? Then there's the matter of what type of guy I want to date, which is all based on my last and biggest concern regarding indecisiveness.
8) Religion - The Whammy: Am I happy with the church that I'm in? Am I where I'm supposed to be? Is this Church really worth all of the loneliness I've felt the past few years? Do I really believe? Would I be happier if I just went back to my old life with my friends and family? Do I want to date a Mormon guy? Do I want to get married in the temple? Do I even want to get married? Do I believe in God? Do I believe in the Bible as scripture? Do I believe in the Book of Mormon as scripture? What are the Doctrine and Covenants to me?

times of trial

I've had some trying months lately. The whole Donaciano situation did me in. In summary, he became stalkerish and then started using suicidal antics to manipulate me into responding, which I did at first. I finally couldn't take it anymore and gave all of his information to my bishop. He needed intervention, but it couldn't be me. I kinda miss the guy, but I don't miss the stress that he caused in my life.

Allie Speck has been on my mind a lot lately. I continue to pray that I am able to raise the money needed to run in the San Diego Marathon with Team in Training. I can guarantee you that her name will be written on my jersey, along with Julia Swartz, and a few others'. I currently have about $1,600, only another $1,300 to go....It's a lot when you really think about it.

The whole Ramel'o situation has also been on my mind. I regret those few months. I know people warned me and it was my own stupid decision to ignore them. I admit, I just wanted attention. But his horrible words have been haunting me lately. Specifically his "The only thing you have going for you is your fat ass. Otherwise, you're ugly as shit" comment. I know that he was just an ass and that I need to forget what he said, but it still haunts me. I still find it that my attitudes and behaviors are daunted because of his words, especially when it comes to interacting with guys. I know that most guys in Provo aren't like him, but I still have that fear. But I also know that the only way to move beyond those comments is to keep dating. I don't want those horrible comments to affect my self-confidence anymore. Nor do I want that continued feeling regret. I know that I need to let the atonement works its role, for the both of us.

I've also had a lot of faith questions and doubts, which have probably added to my bad attitude toward Provo. It's really hard to go to BYU when you're questioning what you believe. The "we all know this scripture," the "we all think this," and the "we're righteous for doing this" mentality has been getting to me. I just want some true Mormon friends in my life. In fact, I'd go as far as saying I NEED some true Mormon friends in my life in order to make this work.

My mom told me the other day that no matter where I am, I want to be somewhere else, and then reminded me that I take myself wherever I go. It's not that I don't like myself, because I do. Personally, I think that I'm a rather accomplished, well-rounded individual with a big heart. There are just things I need to change, like my ability to make friends quickly instead of taking the entire two years that I spend in one place before developing close friends. This has made me think a lot about my eagerness to move back home. Things are going to be different than when I left. And it really isn't going to be that great. It wasn't last summer.

Just some things for me to think about. Now, off to do some scripture reading and praying. I made some big promises for the next couple of weeks.

what's changed since February?

It's funny to compare my attitude now to the attitude I had back in February. What's changed?

I think most of it has to do with social ties and the fact that my best friends are back east. I've learned a lot about friendship lately. Who you can call, who will drop anything and everything to make time for you, who you make weekend plans with, and most importantly, who can tell by your gestures that something is wrong - they can see through that fake smile and facade. All of those people are back home (or closer to home than I am now). Yes, I've met some incredible people in Provo, many of have inspired and touched my life in some form or another, but let's be real, I just don't have the friendships that I need here like I do back home. When it comes down to it, I'd rather be back in my po-dunk, PA town with reliable friends, than here in the college-town of Provo where I often feel rather alone.

disappointment

I'm disappointed with Provo...or maybe Provo is disappointed with me.

direction

I'm just praying for direction and guidance....

I just need to get my thesis written and get out of here.

fundraising

www.malindajmiller.info
and while you're at it, check out my marathon blog: www.marathonmalinda.blogspot.com

the gift of orthography

I'm grateful that God gave me the ability to spell and use (for the most part) correct grammar. I try not to let other people's inability to spell bother me but sometimes I can't help wishing they would have used a dictionary before hitting that submit or enter button. I hate misspelling things. (I just checked to make sure there are really two 's' in misspell). Then there's the difference between your and you're; there and their; wonder and wander; and then and than? Why is it easy for some people to learn and understand these differences while it's extremely difficult for others? I'm just curious. I must work on recognizing that people have different types of gifts, and orthography just isn't one of them for many people.

So what do you think? Are people too quick to hit that enter button before checking THEIR spelling and grammar? Has spell-check caused us to get lazy with our writing?

confession concerning provo

OK, I admit it. Provo has grown on me. Maybe it has to do with my incredibly AWESOME roommates. I think I'm applying for a job in Provo. There's an opening at a local PR agency. It would be a nice start to the next couple of years. Although, at the same time, I'm hesitant to remain this far away from my family. I just don't know....

Malinda

money

Does anyone have any ideas of how to make some decent money on the side (with little time involved)?? I'm really short for the dollars right now. It's really hard to be in a financial hole (ok, most of it has to do with the fact that I decided to spent $300 on my flight to Florida and the half-marathon registration fee, I admit it) and to be trying to fundraise $3,000+ for a charitable organization when you're worried how you're gonna make it through the next month.

I'm just not really sure how I got this point. Little things hear and there really added up.

There's such craziness in my life right now.

The half-marathon is only 7 weeks away!!!