done

DONE, DONE, DONE, DONE, DONE!!!

One semester to go before I have a Master's in my hand!!!

(Sigh). I survived.

319

319 - a song about me and my roomies :)

half marathon

My friend Kristen, who is now living in Florida, convinced me to run the Disney Princess Half Marathon the first weekend in March. I'm excited and serious about training for this. Yesterday, I ran three miles because I could. Tomorrow, I'm attempting five. We'll see how it goes. I'm just hoping my calf doesn't give out on me again.

Note: I only made it to three again. But my time was better. Maybe I shouldn't do legs before attempting a long run on the treadmill.

hardest two weeks

Is it my imagination or are the two or three weeks between Thanksgiving break and Christmas break the hardest and most stressful weeks of the semester? You come back from a week at home. A week in which you had a lot of homework and had every intention to do it. Let's be honest, you're lucky if you even open your book over break. So then you come back and have to get back into the groove of school after being off, then frantically finish up assignments since you didn't do them over break, prepare for finals, do Christmas shopping, all while thinking about how you get to go home again in a couple weeks.

Then added in for me is the confusion my body feels over which time zone it should be in. I was trying to stay on an East Coast sleep schedule so that I wouldn't sleep until noon my first couple days back. However, last night ruined that plan for me :( I didn't get to bed until almost two so I slept until after 9:30...which is almost noon in PA. Sadness.

Well, on to tackle this paper and then go hit the gym to burn some serious calories to make up for the hot chocolate I am currently drinking ;)

lovin' the bodybugg

Yes, I'm still pretty stoked about my bodybugg. Today was my first full day wearing it. It says I've burned 2375 calories and according to the food that I logged (with is as accurate as I could get), I've consumed 1343..so that's a 1032 deficit so far...well on my way to losing 2 lbs a week (I need a 1000 calorie a day deficit for that). Today didn't even include a trip to the gym...just two 20 minute trips to campus and back...so 80 minutes of walking all together. This little device just might be the secret to my survival over Christmas break. Normally, I'd go to the gym to see how many more calories I can burn, but...I'm much too tired to do so tonight. However, I must go grocery shopping so that I have food to eat this week.

bodybugg

I got a bodybugg for my birthday. Meaning, my mom gave me the money for it and I ordered it from Costco.com which is currently having a pretty sweat deal on them, fyi. I'm pretty excited about this. I also bought the digital display watch so that I can see the calories burned on demand rather than having to wait until I upload all the info at the end of the day. I have it set to lose 2 lbs a week. Which means that I need to have a 1,000 calorie deficit. My nutrition plan gives me about 1300 calories so I need to burn 2300 throughout the day. I'm curious to see how many I burn during a typical day.

Not to turn this back into a weight loss journal (I don't really want it to be that...who really wants to read about my roller coaster journey) but I also have my goal set at losing 17 lbs by January 30th. I was going to do a smaller short term goal, but I figured the 2 lbs a week would help me toward the bigger picture.

And the journey begins...again.

not myself

I have a confession: I haven't been myself lately. It's kinda weird. And it's been several years (like 4 or 5) since I've felt like this. I'm grumpy, unmotivated, and sleepy. You know what that means... (sigh). Not again. Oh well, at least I'm being proactive about it before it worsens.

it smells like Thanksgiving

Home sweet home. Several years ago, Thanksgiving dinner was moved from grandma's house to ours. It was quite an honor considering the fact that it means many more people must drive the 2 hours to our house. We're really the only ones settled in the Harrisburg area. Anyway, I'm a big smell person. Smells bring back the most distinctive memories back for me. For this reason, I think that's why I love Thanksgiving so much. I love waking up to the smell of Thanksgiving. Mmm, the smell of turkey in the oven, the sound of mom mixing mashed potatoes. In fact, the smells remind me so much of home that last year when Kellyanne made an early Thanksgiving dinner, I woke up completely confused about where I was. The smell of Thanksgiving took me home. However, when I opened my eyes, I was still in Provo. It was disappointing.

The only thing I hate about Thanksgiving is homework. It's two weeks before finals week which means the workload is always ridiculous. I have a rough draft for a 25 - 30 page paper due the day I get back from break. So, that's means I have to find time this weekend ot sit down and bust out another 10 pages so that I have at least 15 to hand in. (sigh). It's hard to stay motivated at home. I kinda forget that I even go to school. It's a completely different life. However, since I would like to graduate in April, I must keep reminding myself and stay motivated so that I can get all of my work done. :)

The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian

I'm currently getting data from this book for studies for two of my professors. There's a character named Melinda. Coincidentally, she has red hair and green eyes. Just thought that was kind weird.

life

I confess. Last week was hell. I finally broke down and bought an academic planner. It was only $2 though. There's a section for academic and personal goals for the week. I, taking up both spaces, scribbled SURVIVE! And that's what I did last week; I survived.

But now, I'm much better. I'm about to go for a walk with Donaciano. OK, OK, I admit that I have been missing him. And, I was a lot happier with him around. So, maybe I'll give this another shot. He really is a great guy. I've never had anyone treat me better. I'm just afraid of hurting him (again). I really miss going dancing with him.

I re-tore my calf muscle while playing tennis last night. I heard it rip (there was this gross popping noise) twice during the match but I kept playing through it. Eventually, however, the girls figured out that I wasn't so quick to move to the right and took advantage of those shots. It was really frustrating and I really feel like I let my partner down. :( We ended up losing 7 - 9. Really sad.

On a happy note, my ward is doing this "Cinderfella" activity where the guys are given girls' names to leave "secret santa-type" treats at their doors. On day one a got a flower in Phillies chill mug and today I got a Steelers one. It made my day, really. I don't know who he is, Justine keeps teasing me because she does know, but I like him already for leaving me cool stuff ;)

Well, it's almost 1am and I'm just now leaving to go for a walk with Donaciano. I think I'm going to have to convince him to walk to Macey's so I can buy some Rockstar and stay up all night to get my work done. That's all I need - One efficient all-nighter to get caught up.

On another note, 8 days till home!

summary of happenings

Wow. It's November. Crazy. I quite frequently promised to write in my blog and I never did. To summarize the boy world: attractive guy from the summer = ass; incredible Mexican guy here in Utah = clingy and I determined that I wasn't attracted to him beyond friends. Yes, I broke his heart and he nearly cried. Other guy that I've been crazy about for the past year but can never seem to make anything happen = jerkface who comes up with lame reasons not to spend time with people.

I've been traveling a lot this semester. I had one trip home, one trip to Las Vegas and then on to Flagstaff, AZ to visit Khara. We then went to the Grand Canyon. It was a sweet day. I still have tan lines from my shorts because I didn't put sunblock on my legs. Bad move.

Umm, I tore one of my calf muscles while playing soccer. Since then, I've re-torn it while playing raquetball and tennis. It has not been a fun battle. The first time I tore it, I had to be helped off the field. I could barely walk. The next morning, I climbed in the car for the 6 hour drive to Las Vegas because mom and Jim were there for a conference. I hobbled around the entire evening but I'm really glad I made the drive. A weekend with free dinners was pretty sweet. Not to mention that Jim kept having me gamble his money. The first time he sat me down at a machine, stuck a $100 bill in, and then was like "start pressing that button." I got $50 right of the bat and cashed out. So, I guess I paid for dinner that night because I didn't get to keep any of those winnings. The next day, they sat me back down at the same machine with another $100. At one point, I was $25 down and was like, "This is stupid. This is wasting money. I'm stopping now." Meanwhile, Jim, who is at the machine beside me is yelling "NO! Keep going!" and mom pipes in her two sense: "We just want to show you that you don't always win." Just as she started saying that, I hit the bonus and then cashed out at $180. I took the ticket, ran to the ticket redemption machine and got cash for that sucker. Handed Jim back the $100 that he started with and pocketed the rest. That paid for my gas, and some random other things since I've been back. In fact, I lived off of that money for two weeks :) For those LDS members who oppose me doing this, deep breaths. It'll be OK. I'm still the same person. I'm not addicted to gambling.

Anyway, my leg is still healing. I started training again...I've lost 7 pounds since I moved back to Utah (so in two months). I still have a while to go...like 13 more to reach my initial goal (that I was supposed to have reached last February....). It's really weird to be looking through pictures and realize how chunky my face was for so many of them. I'm happy now. It's amazing the difference18 pounds can make in somebody.

So there's a little update.

dear blog

Dear Blog,
A lot has been happening. I promise to take the time to write in you this weekend.

Love,
Malinda

I seem to always fall for the (seemingly) unattainable men... Why is this?

thin thighs and heart disease

http://health.yahoo.com/news/healthday/thinthighsmightbeharbingerofheartdisease.html

Looks like I'm doing all right. :)

my heart is still beating

I promise that I'm still alive. I have much to write about. I just haven't been very good with getting my thoughts out lately. Mostly, because I've been trying to avoid them.

Someday soon, I will post about the happenings of the past 4 or so months....

summer

Dear Summer,
I want to start over. It's been too stressful. I'd like another shot to enjoy you. I shouldn't have come home.... life would have been easier if I had stayed in Utah.

Love,
Malinda

guys and sex

Being a guy is a pretty lame excuse for always thinking about sex. When did society decide that it's OK for guys to be that way. I seriously want to go back in time and change all that thinking around. Treating a girl like a sexual object because your mind is "wired that way" doesn't make it acceptable in my book, regardless of what society says.

I'm done. D-O-N-E done with guys like that.

my vent on attraction

I have a lot to blog about (I'm super behind) but I'm really sleepy. It's waaaay past my bedtime. So for now, I'm going to blog about one thing: dating and self confidence.

I'm not sure if anyone remembers my vent about the blind date I was set up on and how my one preference (when it comes to appearance) for dating is that the guy's chest not be bigger than me (in a non-muscular way). If you know me, that leaves some pretty decent room for the guy. Anyway, I was beginning to feel like I was never going to be able to date someone I was actually attracted to. My self esteem spiraled downhill. Then, right before I left to come home, I met Donanciano, a fantastic guy from Mexico. Then, my first full day back in PA, I took my car to Jiffy Lube to get it inspected and one of the workers hit on me and asked for my number. I went out with him last weekend and am going out with him again this weekend. He's just so good for my self esteem right now. He always calls me gorgeous and beautiful. And while, I know that a lot of that is just sweet talk, the fact that a good looking guy like him even wants to go out with me has made me realize that I don't need to be the thin white girl to be beautiful. It's just really opened my eyes. Just because I'm overweight, doesn't mean that I need to be set up with the socially-awkward overweight guys. I am worth waiting for someone I am attracted to.

updates

OK, so I bailed on the 5k race today and decided to wait and run a few in PA this summer. I'll convince a friend or two to run them with me. :)

Yesterday, at the gym, I couldn't figure out why everyone kept giving me funny looks. Then, I remembered that I had the word "ORPHAN" written across my chest. That explained it. If I hadn't spent 4 years at Messiah surrounded by "Orphan" T-shirts every December, I, too, would probably oddly glance at someone wearing an "Orphan" T-shirt.

Provo is growing on me, I admit it. I kinda wish I was sticking around for the summer, but I also know that it'll be good for me to go home for a bit and change the scenery. We all know how terrible I am at staying in the same place for too long. It eats at me. Plus, I miss my friends and family back home. I need to see them for more than 3 hours out of a week at home.

I miss guitar...I kinda put it aside since Brian hasn't had the time to help me learn any new songs (or work on the ones he already taught me). Once again, I'll start that back up when I'm home, once all of these books are read, this paper is finished, and my things are packed.

Well, that's about it for updates. If you're a PA reader, please know that I want to: go hiking, go to Hershey Park, go swimming, watch fireworks, go to concerts, go dancing, watch movies, play games, play tennis...if you're up for any of that - you know how to reach me :)

juniors section

Today, I bought two shirts from the Juniors section. I can't begin to tell you how exciting that was. I thought the Juniors section would be long gone for the rest of my life.

I'm registering to run a 5k next Saturday. 3 miles, I can handle it. I'm hoping to run a couple races over the summer.

Hmm, I shouldn't have baked those brownies today. Tomorrow, I give them all away :)

I love how my blog has turned into a journal of my weight-loss battle. I just want to be healthy.

i hate genetics

and the fact that my family didn't teach me how to make healthy decisions when I was little. I hate the fact that letting me collect all of the TY Beanie Babies in Happy Meals was more important to my father than worrying about my health and the effect it would have on me later in life. I hate the fact that now, despite how hard I work and how well I eat, I'll never be small. When did I let media and American societal views get to me? I'm not really sure, but point being, I don't like what I am. I want to change. I'm trying to change. I feel like I'm getting nowhere. It's been 6 months and I can't get over that 15 lb weight-loss hump. I want, more than anything, to lose the other 15 lbs. I'm just stuck. I've plateaued.

Anyway, no point in getting discouraged. Just gotta keep pushing myself.

summer fun

Well, winter semester was officially over on Wednesday the 22nd. However, after some requests for extensions, I handed in my last paper at about 3pm on Friday. The week consisted of two all-nighters, many days of writing from 9am to 1am, and turning in a good 80 pages worth of work between my three classes. I had two 30 page papers and one 20 pager. It was quite ridiculous. I then celebrated by heading to Vegas to visit Precious, my friend from high school, and her fiance Allen. Good times. And, for the record, I behaved myself. Well, other than the trip to In-N-Out, the cream cheese brownies, and the M&Ms. OK, maybe I could have done a little better, but there was no drinking or gambling involved on my part. You gotta give me credit for that.

My weekend was fantastic, really. It was so good to get away. For the record, Wii Tennis with the drunks you've never met before - highly entertaining. Seriously, Precious and Allen showed me so much of Vegas in two days - I was exhausted.

Now, I'm back in Provo starting classes again (boo) and I hate to admit it, but I think I'm battling a bout of depression again. GAGH! It's annoying. I've been trying to fight it off myself mentally, but I think I might have to break down and get a medical intervention. I've just been so out of character lately. I hate it. It sucks the life out of me: I'm sleepy all the time, unmotivated, lazy. I need a good kick in the rear.

Well, step number 1 - get back into the gym. I'm off to go do some cardio. Maybe that'll help kick the depression where it hurts.

Oh, I also want to add that I went to the ladies Bible study at this little Baptist church in Provo. It was so much fun. I felt like I fit right in. I'm curious to see where God takes me in the next couple years of my life and whether or not I remain in the LDS Church.

winding down

Well, as the semester comes to a close, I find myself becoming more and more frustrating with myself. Preparation for finals week and paper writing has taken its toll on me. I've resorted back to nearly terrible eating habits and skipping trips to the gym to "write" papers. This "writing" papers usually involved me staring at the computer screen or text book for a good hour trying to get the either the motivation or inspiration to get started. So, I feel like I let everything I worked hard for slip out of my hands. I need to get back in gear. I need to remember the bigger picture and my original motivation for my goals. As Julene just told me, my motivation for working out is temporarily out of service due to a great amount of focus on finishing the semester. Thus, I think this week will be my week off. I'll reset and reboost both my metabolism and motivation next week.

In this past couple of weeks I've gotten to see TWO people I knew from Ecuador (excluding the missionaries). I met up with Ivanova (she's the younger daughter of my bishop at La Luz) at General Conference. We got sit together. It was really nice. While we were leaving conference, we spotted Hermano Venuelza (or something along those lines) who is also in the Quito stake (a former bishop) and worked at El Centro de Empleos (Employment Center) while I volunteered there. We tried to flag him down but were unsuccessful. So, I e-mailed him that night to ask if he went to Conference. So, this past week, he came to visit Provo. Unfortunately, he came the day it decided to snow like 6 inches. It was a crazy, freak storm. I didn't get to show him too much. We went to the bookstore and he bought BYU stuff to take back to his family. Then Miriam met up with us and she helped me show him around campus a little bit. (Let's be honest, I live in Brimhall and don't know much about campus - sad, I know). Then I treated him to some food from Subway in the Wilk. It finally stopped snowing as he was getting ready to leave. I drove him up to the Provo temple and then dropped him off at the bus station. I had planned to drive him to the TRAX station in Sandy, but I wasn't about to navigate my way through that storm. It was soooo good to get to see people. He made fun of my Spanish and told me that I forgot my Spanish quickly. Personally, I was impressed that I could still communicate most of my thoughts, so.... I miss Ecuador like crazy now. I'll have to post some pics later. (Or you can see them on my Facebook).

I have other things to update people on. However, I'll do that later. I'm going to sleep early tonight. I'm exhausted.

in response to akirah's blog

I saw this on Akirah's blog...and I'm procrastinating.

I’ve bolded the things I’ve done. What about you?

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band (a "band")
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyworld/Disneyland
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo (I didn't say it was good)
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning - just about every week in Ecuador
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you were not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run –does kickball count?
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling (ahh, Galapagos memories)
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class (I last for about 2 weeks)
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been laid off from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Kissed a stranger at midnight on New Year’s Eve
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby –No, no, no…none of that…yet
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake (i'm not sure that I'd want to....)
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee

spring class

Well, I ran into Dr. Stoker in the BYU Bookstore today. I haven't been up to visit him in his office lately. He might have persuaded me into taking his class during spring semester. He said he'd be willing to work with me so that I can get back to PA in time for my job since training starts the last day of classes. So, I'm going to visit him next week and talk more about that. I guess it looks like I'll be staying until the first week of June....

I know that taking this class in the spring will make next year EXTREMELY less stressful and would help me avoid another semester with 9 graduate credits but I that's another month and a half without a break. The stress of school has been getting to me (more so than ever before). It's this never ending cycle. I get stressed, I gain weight, I get depressed, I gain more weight. I was kinda hoping April 22nd would mark the end of that cycle and give me a good four months to renew my dwindling energy. I'm seriously burned out. I'm not so sure that I'm cut out for all of this graduate school stuff.

On another note. There's something I've been wanting to say to someone for the past several months...I have yet to actually do it. It involves a guy. A very nice one. I think, out of habit, I pushed him away. (sigh) I'm so good at that.

crazy week

The semester is coming to a close. It's been a pretty crazy week. I have just over two weeks to whip out 3 final papers - all at least 15 pages a piece. This'll be interesting.

Some days, I feel like I live on campus. I was on campus from 8am to 11pm yesterday. I came home for like an hour in the afternoon to grab some food and my books for my evening class.

I'm working on a couple really cool projects right now. My favorite being the one where I'm e-mailing ladies who have (or who are) studying abroad in Quito, Ecuador :) It's been to chat with them about their experiences. Especially with those who stayed with the same host family as me :) The interviews are fun but they are also VERY time consuming and leave me feeling kinda exhausted afterward.

Guitar lessons are going well. I'm still not very good (OK - so I haven't had a lot of time to practice lately). Brian's been teaching me a lot of chord theory lately. Sometimes, it just goes over my head but I'll figure it all out someday ;) It just amazes me how much I've learned in the past 2 months in comparison to what I learned in the $300 private lessons I took at Messiah (Oh, wait - that was NOTHING). He's good at teaching it - maybe I just do better with learning informally?

So, I have this dilemma. While I was home to be with my family after my little cousin's death, I went to the Ash Wednesday service at Otterbein. I sat with an old youth group leader and dear friend of mine and entertained her little ones for a bit. We got on the topic of guys (because at that time there was one I was VERY interested in - but he's dating someone now, so....)

"As long as he's better than the last one. He wasn't opposed to marrying more than one woman," she says.
"What?" I respond and stare at her in confusion.
"He was Mormon wasn't he?"
"Yes," I said, "but he didn't believe in polygamy. The Mormon church doesn't practice polygamy"
Then she went on about how she dated a guy who had decided to convert and told me stuff that she knew. Then asked what this guy's religious background is.
"He's Mormon too," I replied.
"Oh Malinda, you're playing with fire" and she continued with more warnings.

Ummm, apparently she doesn't know that I joined the church nearly 3 years ago. Right before the Ash Wednesday service wasn't the time to tell her. I then got an e-mail a few days later. I responded briefly and said I'd write more later - I have yet to do so. I don't feel that e-mail is the appropriate method to communicate the fact that I am Mormon to her...yet, I don't really have the time or the patience to have this conversation over the phone. I don't know what to do....


As for the guy I was VERY interested in. I've spent the past 5 months trying to figure him out. I'm giving up. I don't get him. I don't get him at all. I don't know who he is.

before and after

Well, I hit the 20 pound weight-loss mark last week (only 11 more to go). So, I thought I should celebrate by posting some before and after photos.


Back in August, 2008 (with Elder Russell)


New Year's Day (2009) with my brother and dad




Friday March 20, 2009 (thanks for the photo Liliya)

does God tease?

Is it possible that God teases people? Does he dangle something great in front of someone knowing that the individual can't have it? Or is He encouraging the individual to work harder for that something great?

home

I decided, I'm taking the job at Adams & Hanover. Thus, I'll be back in PA for most of June and July :)

I'll probably hang around Utah for a good chunk of May in hopes of getting some stuff done and continuing to drop pounds...I'm only 11 pounds from my first goal!!!

missed opportunity

Have you ever spent so much time trying to get up the guts to do (or say in my case) something, that by the time you finally did so, you had completely missed your opportunity?

I'm slightly frustrated with myself and my life right now.

out of my league

So, I always fall for the guys who are out of my league. Or maybe, my problem is thinking that they're out of my league in the first place. I know I shouldn't do it. If I like the guy, I like that guy. However, that vivid 7th grade memory still haunts me...the one where the two guys across from at the lunch table (we had assigned seating because several kids had gotten in trouble) started listing the girls in the class from the fattest to smallest:
Boy #1 "So, who's the fattest girl in the class?"
Boy#1 and Boy #2 respond in unison with the name of a girl.
Boy #1 "Then who?"
Boy #2 "Says another name"
Boy #1 "Then Malinda"

Yep, that's right. I was listed as the third "fattest" girl in class. It's funny how these things carry with you. That old saying, "Sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me;" it's a lie. Words hurt more.

The odd thing, I look back at pictures from 7th grade...I wasn't even fat. I'll have to find a pic and scan it one of these days. Anyway, those things still haunt the way I feel about myself and how I compare to others. It's stupid, I know. Some day, I'll be over it.

pros and cons of PA

Pennsylvania Pros

• home and family :)
  
• staying up late with my little bro
• guaranteed job
• getting paid to play kickball, dodgeball, and freeze tag,
  
• playing tennis weekly with Scott
• visiting with Betsy
• weekends in the pool at grandmas
• SUNDAYS
• PA bands and concerts (i.e. Far and Fading & The Historic)
• late night Risk games with mom, Jim, Eddie, and Lindsey
• bars with the friends
  
• cranberry juice ;)
• company of Nittany (kitty kitty) and Scooter
• weekend trips to D.C., Philly, and New York
• my own bed in my own room
• Religious diversity
  
• actually having a social life
  
• support system
• being entertained by my drunken friends
• GREEN trees
• silent nights
• being able to see stars
• not having to drive on State Street.
  

Pennsylvania Cons

• Mom always wanting to know where I am and what I'm doing
• the job only being 6 weeks long
• 12-year-olds thinking they're the boss (i.e. stressful job)
• my waistline (i.e. training)
  
• not taking the time or chance to make more friends here
• not getting to enjoy Utah in the summer - when I actually have time to do so
• becoming lazy(ier)
• humidity
• breaking out because of the humidity
• not seeing a certain someone every week ;)
  

absence

I've been absent. I haven't known what to write. I admit that I've been guilty of shutting the world around me out...I get like that when I'm down and confused. I'm back to asking God my favorite question, "Why?" I know that I should be asking "What now?" instead. I wish there were something I could have changed...something I could have done (as do many others) to tell Shaunte how beautiful she was and how much she was apart of the Clapper family. Yesterday was my first day back in classes (since flights were canceled in Philly on Monday). I'm not sure how it came up, but Dr. Callahan started talking about how suicide was the only way to escape being part of a community or society defined group. I kinda broke down for a few minutes and had to excuse myself. I think that was the first time I really let myself cry over the whole thing.

I have a week to figure out if I'm going back to PA for the summer or staying here. This decision is stressing me out (you can tell by taking one look at my face). I guess I'm going to have to create my pros and cons list.

I also don't know what to do for housing. I'm not really sure if I want to share a room or not....

Oh, and I have a blind double date tomorrow...I don't know any of parties involved. This could be slightly awkward and I'm feeling rather nervous about it. Especially since my stress is showing on my face. (sigh)

in memory

Well, I'm in PA...again. My little "cousin" took her own life last week. I found out Thursday night and changed my original flight (I was just coming home for this weekend) to the next morning in hopes of making it back in time for the viewing. However, I had a canceled flight in Chicago and didn't make it back on time. I was really upset. So, here I am in Pennsylvania. I'm kinda confused. Everything feels so surreal. I hadn't seen the girl for a couple of years and I have yet to see her immediate family. So, it hasn't really sunk in yet. I spent the weekend at my cousins' home. (My cousin Rachel was practically a mother to Shaunte and her siblings). I'll hopefully get to visit the family on Sunday.

thesis update

I'm in the process of contacting the UNIFEM office in Ecuador and seeing are will to allow me to work with them on a communications project. I'm not sure when I'll end up going down. It looks like I have a job back in PA from June 15 to July 24...so that leaves either May or August to go

happenings in my life.

1) I admit it. I've had trouble focusing on schoolwork. It's been pretty terrible. I think the most amount of schoolwork I have done has been during those 40 minute cardio sessions on the treadmill where I read my textbooks. Other than that, I'm always finding other ways of occupying my time. I'm not sure my mind is really ready to handle graduate school right now. It's too scatter-brained.

2) I started guitar lessons (finally). While, it doesn't come easily to me (just like every other musical instrument), I really like it. I learned more in 45 minutes on Thursday than I did the entire semester I took the private guitar class at Messiah (OK, so I'm still not over the fact that the professor accused me of lying to him about practicing. I warned him upfront about my musical inabilities and my lack of rhythm).

3) I went to the Draper Temple Open House this afternoon with my friends Heather and Renae. It was really cool to get to inside of the temple. (who knows how long it will be until I get to enter another place in the temple beside the baptismal font). They're such gorgeous buildings.

super bowl sunday

Super Bowl Sunday is baaaad. Apparently I gained 4 pounds in one weekend.... Ridiculous.


But the Steelers won and I had lots of fun with my friends.



Santonia Holmes' winning catch

summer questions

I really don't know what to do about this summer. I'm so torn.... I hate making big decisions. I usually rely on my Magic 8 Ball to answer the smaller ones ;) I wish I could teleport back and forth between PA and UT. That would be pretty sweet.

venting

1) I HATE driving in Utah. Seriously. There's three lanes of traffic and three cars will all decide to go 10 under the speed limit and drive beside each other...leaving you stuck behind them. My weekly drive to my training session usually stresses me out.... I'd much rather drive the capitol beltway in Harrisburg during rush hour than to drive down State Street anytime between 9am and 7pm.

2) People use cell phones and iPods way too much--so much that they have no idea what's going on around them. The other day at 24hour Fitness, I was walking up the stairs to the cardio/weights area when this girl in front of me just stops in the middle of the stairs to respond to a text message. (Gagh!!)

3) I almost hit a biker this morning (I admit, although he blended in with the surroundings and came out of nowhere on the sidewalk, it was pretty much my fault). Luckily, he was paying attention to what I was doing.

4) I'm ready for spring. The lack of sun makes me grumpy...which is probably why I'm posting a blog to vent.

5) Why in the world do I have to wear a skirt to church? Why can't I wear dress slacks and a nice shirt without being questioned? I'm so tempted to wear a skirt and my Pittsburgh Steelers jersey to church on Sunday ;)

6) I'm 23 years old. I think I'm able to decide if a guy can be in my apartment after midnight.

7) BYU seriously needs to update their honor/dress code. While just having a mustache might have been a fashion trend in the 1970s, it's just horribly gross now. If you can't have a beard, please don't grow just a mustache.

I think that's enough venting for now ;) Thanks for letting me get it out instead of bottling it up.

history and random happenings

The Steelers are going to the Super Bowl!!!

Barack Obama is officially our president - what a historic moment to watch. And his speech...it was sooo powerful.

I'm feeling motivated about school again.

I might be back in Pennsylvania for the summer :)

normalcy

i'm over him. life can go on normally now.

outgoing

I like it when I'm outgoing. It's happier. I'm working on this.

all-nighter

Dude, I'm only one week into classes this semester and I'm already pulling an all-nighter. There's something wrong with this picture....

new year, new improvements

Well, after a semester and the start of a new year, I've been thinking back to the goals that I set for myself at the start of the fall semester. Some of them I've been really good at keeping, others have not been so hot. Rather than reiterating my goals verbatim, I'm just going to summarize by saying that I'm working on improving in all areas of my life: physical, spiritual, social, and academic.

I've already gotten this semester off to a positive start. Hopefully it can stay that way.

not part of the plan

falling for the guy was not part of the plan...especially if i don't know if it involves him falling for me back. i'm supposed to get through the next two years guyless. there's just sooo many; i don't know if i can make it.

Banos and fears

An experience I had in Banos, Ecuador just popped into my mind. My friend Jenni and I went white-water rafting down the Pastaza River. That was a big step of me to overcome that fear--I'm not a big fan of large bodies of water-- At one point we stopped at this mouth of a stream that fed into the Pastaza river. We climbed out of our rafts and made our way up the stream to a swimming hole. Many people jumped off of the rocks into the swimming pool. I, for some reason, have always had this fear of falling from Point A to Point B and wasn't going to do it. However, one of the friends of the tour guides was hanging back and talking to me...asking if I had a boyfriend, and encouraging me to stay in Banos to be his girlfriend and sleep with him...that's when I jumped.

I guess I've just been thinking about what it takes to make us overcome our fears. I'd love to think that it's something positive and inspirational that helps me overcome my fears but the reality is that I'm usually just running from something else I don't like. I have to choose the better of the two options.